Hope N the Word

"I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."  Job 3:26 (NIV)

I can relate to this scripture, and I am sure that a lot of you can too.  Been there, done that.  And it is no way to live your life. 

I once lived in a world of CONSTANT drama and like most people, I had no idea that I was actually feeding into it.  All I knew was that everything and everyone in my house was in a perpetual state of confusion, turmoil, anger, bitterness and panic.  The verbal and physical abuse that went on in my home was ever present.  I spent my time trying to figure out how to put out the fires.  I would go to bat for my family no matter what they did or said, I would find any and every excuse for their behavior.  I have since learned that psychologists call this "co-dependency."  

In my confused state, I was creating bigger fires.  I couldn't stand it if anyone was mad or upset with me, so I ran around cleaning up messes that I had no business being involved in.  Oh sure, I spent plenty of time venting to my mother and close friends (who I thank with all my heart for never giving up on me) - but in the end; I could not or would not follow through with the decisions I made during those venting sessions.  When I would try to put my foot down, it led to horrific fights that could go on for days - so I just stopped trying to draw lines.  I erased the lines.  I went from being angry to beat down without any desire to defend myself. 

I used to get so angry, confused and upset that I would literally bang my head on the wall or the floor.  I went to counselor after counselor and was told that I was manic-depressive and was put on an array of medications over the years; all of which left me numb and unable to feel anything.  I just agreed with the doctors and for years I took my medicine like a good little girl; still feeling angry, confused and upset, but numb.  I told myself that things weren't as bad as I thought because after all, I was mentally ill. (HAH! I am NOT!)  I quit taking that mind numbing medicine and wha-la!  I began to see things exactly as they were.  I wasn't crazy - but I was living in chaos.

At that point I began asking "how do I make the drama stop?!?"  The first step that I took was to stop defending wrong behavior, no matter WHO it was.  Wrong is wrong and Right is right.  I still got angry and I would scream my head off, but it didn't do any good.  Why?  Think about it....if someone is screaming at you, do you even care about what they are saying?  I don't.  This is where the desire to defend myself began to disappear.  I was quickly becoming just a shell of a person.  The reason....look at what I said my first step was.  Although ceasing to defend wrong behavior is a true and correct step, it was not the first step I should have taken.  The first step, should have been to get on my knees.  It all could have stopped so much faster, but pride kept me in the state of mind that I could fix it and if I couldn't, then I just wasn't trying hard enough.  You know, the whole "I made my bed, now I just have to lay in it," mentality.  

Putting down that pride led me to realize more and more every day that I cannot fix anyone but myself.  I sure can't fix anyone that doesn't even see that they have a problem.  I got on my knees and I prayed that God would change me.  The slow and steady change in me, caused the drama in my home to intensify.  The more I prayed and the more I changed, the worse it got.  Slowly, I began to let go.  I began preparing to go out the door that God was opening.  I didn't think my heart could be broken any further, but the pain of walking out that door was excruciating. 

Sound silly?  I can assume that some may be thinking "this woman walked out of an severely dysfunctional home, and she says it was excruciatingly painful?"  Yes, that's what I said.  That home was all I had known for my adult life.  No matter how bad it was, I had hopes and dreams for my family.  It was painful to admit that the hopes and dreams I had fantasized about, would not play out the way I envisioned them.  BUT God - has given me new hopes and dreams and I trust Him.  He set me free and I will follow His lead!                        

"My days have passed, my plans are shattered.  Yet the desires of my heart turn night into day; in the face of the darkness light is near."  Job 17:11-12 (NIV)  

Day in this scripture is translated (yome) meaning:  full life, season or process of time, promise after trial. 

Darkness in this scripture is translated (Kho-shek) meaning:  misery, destruction, death, ignorance, sorrow, wickedness.

Light in this scripture is translated (owr) meaning:  (in every sense) bright, clear, happiness, morning sun.

Things didn't turn out the way I planned, but I lived and learned through the trials of my past. Misery cannot and will not consume me ever again, I am not afraid of the darkness anymore.  "I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord,"  (Psalm 121:1-2)  God has a plan for me and without those experiences, I would not have the knowledge needed to handle His plan.  He has given me a vision and for the first time in years; I am excited about my future.  A new day has dawned and I cannot wait to see how it unfolds!

I heard a great quote today, by Steven Furtick.  He said, "The devil always wants to fight you one on one.  Look back on your life, when you were at your lowest - you were alone.  People wanted to help you, but you were in solitary."  That spoke volumes to me.  You know: you can be alone in a crowd of people, surrounded by family, sitting next to someone, and in a relationship or marriage.  I know, because I have been there.

"The thief comes to steal and to kill and to destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."  John 10:10 (ESV)  Let's look at the first sentence of that scripture...how does he go about this statement?  By getting you ALONE.  By convincing you that no one cares (no matter how much they tell you and attempt to show you the opposite).  The thief is a LIAR and the author of confusion.  He uses your situation to plant doubt and doubt grows confusion and confusion creates loneliness.  You are NOT alone!  The devil is a LIAR!  When doubt comes creeping in - go back to that scripture.  What does the 2nd sentence say?  "I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly."  This promise is for YOU!  Matter of fact; every single word in the Bible is a personal promise to YOU, yes YOU!

No matter what you have been through or what you are going through, God is HERE for you.  You are NOT alone.  Stop beating yourself up for your mistakes and your past.  It is called the past because it is done, it is over. 

Don't allow anyone to put you in solitary.  Surround yourself with people that love and accept you.  Sometimes this means walking away from family and friends.  I did it and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  But you know what?  It was also the most freeing.

I have had toxic friends, family members and a very toxic marriage.  By nature, I am a pretty mouthy and sarcastic person, and I was pretty good at painting a picture of a confident, outspoken, "take no shi%#", woman.  It was all a lie.  Behind closed doors, I was scared, depressed, miserable, VERY angry & defiant, and felt like the dumbest woman on the planet.  Because I didn't have a back-bone; it had long ago been beat outta me. (and I don't mean physically)  It all began with one statement from someone that had promised to love, honor and cherish me.  "You think you are so smart, but you aren't.  Nobody loves and takes care of you like I do."  Sounds innocent enough, right?  Well, it was the beginning of constantly doubting my every thought, want, need and decision.  It was the beginning of a downward spiral.

Years of being told everything I did was wrong.  Years of being told my feelings were wrong.  Years of invalidation and my words being twisted into weapons.  Years of being praised in public and then cut down in private.  And my all time favorite:  years of being told "wives submit ye, to your husband."  But there is more to that scripture, it also says, "husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church."  Submission does NOT mean, lay down and be a rug. I did not know that for a very long time.  And I only have myself to blame for not knowing it - I had a Bible, all I needed to do was read, study and pray for revelation of the word submission.    <See, submission is a good thing and I cannot wait to submit to the man that loves me the same as Christ loves the church.  Oh, but that is a whole other subject for another blog.>

I am an intelligent woman (book wise), but I began doubting that.  I had a lot of dreams, but I began to let them go.  I have loving, intelligent and supportive women in my family, but I began walking away from them.  I had plans for my life, but I began to doubt and then forget them.  I am a loving, compassionate woman, but I began to quench those qualities.  I have had some wonderful career opportunities, but I quit those jobs.  I love learning and started college with my oldest daughter, but I walked away from it.  Why?  Because it was just easier than standing up for myself.

I don't say all of this to make you hate anyone.  I don't hate a single person that has ever been in my life.  I said it all to show, just how easy it is for satan to get you alone and in solitary.  And that is where he fights you one on one.  He knows that if he can use someone to beat you down that he can destroy you.  One less person for him to worry about, one less person that will tell the truth about God.  And, in his mind, this is how he will defeat our Lord.  (silly devil, read the back of the book)

Satan was wrong about me.  He used people to try to destroy me, BUT GOD used them to strengthen me!  I made it through and now I have many experiences under my belt and I will use those experiences to reach out to others with THE TRUTH!  

Experience has taught me this:  Don't waste your time and life in toxic relationships.  If someone in your life only sees the negative of everyone and every situation and you have tried to show them light, then let them sit in the darkness without you (it's their choice).  If you are in a relationship with someone that is jealous of your other relationships and tries to separate you from them - that is no relationship worth having.  If someone only wants to talk or be around you when you can do something for them, they are using (not loving) you.  Is someone makes you feel ugly, worthless, un-loveable, unintelligent, like you are walking on eggshells, always in defense mode, always on the verge of anger - leave them behind.  Whether it be a friend, your adult child, mother, father, sister, brother or any other family member or spouse.  You cannot fix them.  You can only fix yourself.  You can love a toxic person, and you can pray for a toxic person, but do it from God's side of the fence - don't be chained to them.

God gave me a vision for my life and no lying devil will ever steal it from me again!  I AM intelligent.  I AM worthy.  I AM beautiful. And, I AM loved. 

It all comes down to this:  Devil you might have me bound up by chains and shackles, but I raise my voice and lift my eyes to heaven.  I use everything I have and move everything I can to loose those shackles.  God shakes the ground and breaks the chains that bind me.

I know now where my strength comes from, and - I AM NOT ALONE!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding - in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."  Porverbs 3:5-6

I no longer question the "why's" and the "how's" of the things I went through as a child.  They happened and it was scary, but I have made a decision not to be paralized by fear.  I don't need to know why - what I need to do is use that experience to reach out to others that are or have lived it - be an example of faith that overcomes. 

That isn't to say that I haven't experienced paralizing fear; matter of fact, I have.  It was awful and I believe that the fear was worse than the actual circumstances.  2 and a 1/2 years ago, something was told to me that "triggered" the memories.  Memories so strong that I could smell, feel and actually taste my abusers.  Yes, that word abusers is plural and not a mistake.  This is the part where I tell you where my testimony begins:  I was molested at the age of 4 1/2 (at least 3 times that I can remember), by a babysitter's husband.  I was molested again, at the age of 13 by my aunt's "then" husband (they are no longer married).  Those instances led to years of what I now call, self-inflicted sexual abuse.  By that I mean, I did not value my body, myself, nor my purity.  In my mind; I was no longer pure anyway - so, why not go on the hunt?  And hunt I did - for YEARS!  What was I hunting for?  Well - love, of course!   I reasoned that sex was love, so I hunted it down.  Little did I ever realize that I was filling a suitcase full of lies, deceit, and heartache.  I drug that luggage around with me for many, many years (at least a decade) and frankly, I convinced myself that I was proud of it.

Ok, now you know that part of my story, so let me tell you about fear and what it can do to you:  When the memories were triggered 2 1/2 years ago, I thought that I was going crazy.  No matter what I did, the flashbacks hit me wave after wave after wave.  I didn't sleep for over 4 days, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't quit crying, I was scared to close my eyes and scared to keep them open, I was afraid to be alone, but I didn't want anyone with me either.  I even checked myself into a psychiatric "safe" unit - I was a mess! After coming home from the psychiatric unit (I was there less than 24 hours); I was still a wreck.  I did some major soul searching.  I just could not figure out how something that I hadn't even thought about for at least 10 years could come back and consume my mind like that.  I read books, I prayed, I read my Bible, I cried and I grieved.  And that was IT!  Grieving:  I had never completely dealt with it.  I was married, had 2 kids and 4 grandkids and I was a Christian; so, in my mind....it was over.  WRONG! 

I had moved on and I was no longer that scared little girl and no longer that scared and scarred young woman seeking love in the arms of any man that showed me the time of day.  After all, I had been married for something like 20 years.  I was living a in a dream world; because I was most certainly, still scared and scarred.  I had never grieved over the loss of my innocence.  Sure, I had cried over many things, but never specifically for the abuse I went through.  I also had continued (in my own way) to blame myself for the whole situation.  Yes, we who have suffered abuse will always find a way to make it our own fault.  I am very aware that it doesn't make sense to blame myself for something that happened when I was 4 1/2 years old.  It is a phenomena that I have seen with many abuse survivors - we can't make sense of the nonsensical and so it must be our fault.  I don't understand how we rationalize to that conclusion, but a lot of us have.  I now know this:  It is because the devil is a LIAR!  He attacks us, he does everything he can to keep us down and away from God because he knows that if we, as survivors, grab onto God....he is in for a world of hurt! 

"The thief comes only to steak and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10 (NIV)   He may have stolen my innocence, but he CANNOT steal my faith, kill my belief or destroy my life!  And THAT is why he works in our minds to convince us that WE did something wrong.  That somehow, it was OUR fault.  NO!  Do not listen to that lie, do not give place to it in your heart.  The Lord loves us, each and every one of us.  He grieves our pain and He grieves the loss of the innocence shed.  God and ONLY God, can turn it around and give you "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding..." (Philippians 4:7a) - What a Rhema Word in my life!  I grabbed ahold of God with everything in me and determined to get that peace and abundant life that He promised me.  I dug deep into His Word, I was going to beat this once and for all.  I was bound for victorious living - I HAD TO HAVE IT!   After the grieving was out of my system, the next step was to realize that "I" could not defeat this issue.  That I had to give it to God.  That I had to let Him defeat my enemy.  "God doesn't save by means of sword or spear.  The battle belongs to God..."  (1 Samuel 17:47b) I only needed to be listening to Him, to ready myself and do as He led me. 

The final step to the victory?......Forgiveness.  Yes, I said forgiveness.  It was difficult, I didn't want to do it.  I begged and I pleaded, anything but forgiving them!  How do I forgive someone so depraved?  How could I possibly just "let it go"?  Even though, at that time it had happened 41 & 32 years prior; wouldn't that be letting them off the hook (so to speak)?  It took a few weeks to figure out that I would not be letting them off the hook.  In all actuality, I was letting myself off of the hook from the lie satan had spent years using to hold me in bondage.  Those were some pretty tough weeks.  And they didn't have to be.  I could have been free immediately if I had just done as the Lord told me in the first place.   

The first scripture I was led to was Matthew 6:14,15 "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:  But if ye forgive no men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you."  Wait?  What?  Does that mean what I think it does?  Because I haven't forgiven these sick and depraved men, I could miss out too?  Oh Lord - that got me!  Here I was beating myself up with a lie for all these years and now I know the truth.  I was now free of satan's lie, now it really was up to me.  I wrestled that scripture, trying to work out "how" do I forgive.  I spent many hours on my knees.  After a week or two, I heard in my spirit "thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou annointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over."  (Psalm 23:5 KJV)

And right then and there - I did it!  I forgave them.  They no longer hold power over my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, or my soul.  Because "He restored my soul and leads me on the paths of righteousness..." (Psalm 23:3)  I am truly blessed and I thank God for every single day that He has given me.  I am no longer a victim or a survivor - I am victorious!

**********

No “Intenten” Comprender — Sólo Perdonen, 20 de junio de 2016

“Confía de todo corazón en el Señor y no en tu propia inteligencia. Reconózcanlo en todos tus caminos y Él guiará sus pasos.” Proverbios 3:5-6

Ya dejé de cuestionar el “por qué” y el “cómo” de las cosas que me sucedieron de niña. Sucedió y fue espantoso, pero tomé la decisión de no dejar que el miedo me paralizara. No tengo que saber el por qué — lo que necesito hacer es utilizar esa experiencia para comunicarme con otras que están viviendo o han vivido algo así — ser un ejemplo de fe que vence.

Eso no quiere decir que no haya sentido miedo paralizante; de hecho, sí lo he sentido. Fue horrible y creo que el miedo fue mucho peor que las circunstancias en sí. Hacía 2 años y medio, supe de algo que me alborotó los recuerdos. Recuerdos tan reales que pude oler, sentir y realmente percibir el sabor de mis abusadores. Sí, esa palabra abusadores es plural y no es un error. Ésta es la parte dónde les digo que aquí empieza mi testimonio: a la edad de 4 años y medio fui víctima de abuso sexual (cuando menos recuerdo 3 veces) por el esposo de una niñera. Me sucedió otra vez a los 13 años por el hombre con quien estaba casada mi tía en esos tiempos. Estos incidentes me llevaron a lo que llamemos abuso sexual auto-infligido durante muchos años. Con eso quiero decir que no valoraba ni a mi propio cuerpo, ni a mí misma, ni a mi pureza. En mi mente, ya no era pura — así que ¿por qué no ir de caza? Y así lo hice ¡por AÑOS! ¿Qué es lo que buscaba? Bueno, el amor, ¡claro está!  Razoné que el acto sexual equivalía al amor, así que fui de caza para encontrarlo. No me daba cuenta que estaba llenando una maleta de mentiras, decepciones y dolores de corazón. Y anduve con ese equipaje por muchos, muchos años (mínimo una década) y francamente, me había convencido de que era un orgullo.

Ahora que saben esa parte de mi historia, permítanme hablarles sobre el miedo y lo que les puede hacer. Cuando se me volvieron los recuerdos hace 2 años y medio, sentí que me estaba volviendo loca. Hiciera lo que hiciera, las escenas retrospectivas me golpeaban como una ola tras otra. No dormí por más de 4 días, no podía pensar con claridad, no podía dejar de llorar. Tenía miedo de cerrar mis ojos y miedo de mantenerlos cerrados, tenía miedo de estar sola, pero tampoco quería estar con nadie. Más aún, me metí a una clínica psiquiátrica para sentirme segura. ¡Estaba hecha un desbarajuste! Aún después de regresar a casa (estuve en la clínica por menos de 24 horas), todavía estaba hecha añicos.  Hice mucho examen de conciencia. No podía entender cómo algo que no me había venido a la mente hacía 10 años por lo menos ya podía regresar y consumir mi mente así. Leí libros, recé, leí la Biblia, lloré y estuve como en duelo. Y ESO era! Duelo: nunca lo había enfrentado debidamente. Estaba casada, con dos niñas y cuatro nietos y era una persona cristiana; así que según mi mente — todo estaba en el pasado. ¡EQUIVOCACIÓN!

Había seguido mi camino y ya no era esa niñita asustada ni esa joven asustada y con el alma cicatrizada que buscaba amor en los brazos de cualquier hombre que me volteara a ver. Después de todo, estaba casada desde hace unos 20 años. Pero vivía en un mundo de sueños, ya que de verdad todavía estaba asustada y llena de cicatrices. Nunca había llorado por la pérdida de mi inocencia. Había llorado por muchas cosas pero nunca específicamente por el abuso que había sufrido. También había seguido a culparme (a mi manera) por toda la situación. Así es, los que sufrimos abuso siempre encontramos la forma de absorber la culpa. Estoy consciente de que no tiene sentido culparme por lo que pasó cuando tenía 4 años y medio. Es un fenómeno que he observado en mucha gente que ha sobrevivido el abuso sexual — no encontramos sentido en algo que no tiene sentido, así que debemos tener la culpa. No comprendo cómo podemos racionalizar y llegar a esa conclusión, pero muchos lo hemos hecho. Ahora esto lo sé: ¡el diablo es un MENTIROSO! Nos ataca y hace todo lo posible para mantenernos oprimidos y alejados de Dios porque sabe que si nosotros los sobrevivientes corremos a Dios…¡le va a ir muy mal!

“El ladrón no viene sino para hurtar, matar y destruir; yo he venido para que tengan vida.” Juan 10:10 (RVRVC). Puede que haya robado mi inocencia, pero ¡NO PUEDE robarme la fe, ni matar mis creencias ni destruir mi vida! Y ESO es porque nos trabaja la mente para convencernos que NOSOTROS hicimos algún mal – que de alguna manera tenemos NOSOTROS la culpa. NO! No escuchen esa mentira, ni se la guarden el corazón. El Señor nos ama, a cada uno y a todos nosotros. Él llora por nuestro dolor y le duele la pérdida de nuestra  inocencia. Dios y SOLAMENTE Dios puede cambiar el giro y darnos “la paz de Dios que sobrepasa todo entendimiento…” (Filipenses 4:7a)  ¡Qué declaración tan impresionante para mi vida! Abracé a Dios con todo mi ser y me propuse a obtener esa paz y vida abundante que Él me había prometido. Profundicé en Su Palabra — iba a vencer esta situación de una vez por todas. Estaba destinada para una vida victoriosa ¡TENÍA QUE TENERLA! Después de acabar con el luto y haber sacado todo ese dolor de mi ser, el próximo paso era reconocer que “YO” no podía vencer este asunto. Lo tenía que entregar a Dios. Tenía que dejar que ÉL venciera mi enemigo. ”El Señor no libra con espada ni con lanza. ¡Del Señor es la batalla!” (1 Samuel 17:47b) Sólo necesitaba escucharle a Él, a prepararme para hacer lo que me indicara.

 ¿Y el paso final hacia la victoria? … El perdón. Así es – dije el perdón. Era difícil y no lo quería hacer. Imploré y supliqué, todo menos perdonarlos! ¿Cómo perdono a alguien tan depravado?¿Cómo sería posible “dejarlo así no más”? Aunque en ese momento habían pasado 41 y 32 años, ¿no sería eso, como quien dice, dejarlos ir sin castigo? Me tardé unas semanas en entender que no los estaba dejando sin castigo. En realidad, estaba liberándome a mí misma de la mentira que satanás había utilizado para mantenerme en cautiverio durante años. Fueron unas semanas bastante difíciles. No tenía que haber sido así. Podría haberme liberado inmediatamente si sólo hubiera hecho lo que el Señor me pidió en un principio.

La primera escritura que se me sugerió era Mateo 6:14-15, “Porque si perdonan a los hombres sus ofensas, su Padre celestial también les perdonará a ustedes. Pero si no perdonan a los hombres, tampoco su Padre les perdonará sus ofensas.” ¡Espera! ¿Qué? ¿Eso quiere decir lo que pienso? Porque yo no he perdonado a esos hombres enfermos y depravados ¿podría perder eso yo también? ¡Ay, Señor, eso duele!  Me había estado martirizando con una mentira por tantos años y ahora comprendí la verdad. Ya me había liberado de la mentira de satanás, y ahora realmente me correspondía a mí dar el siguiente paso. Luché con esa escritura, tratando de entender “cómo” llegar a perdonar. Pasé muchas horas de rodillas. Después de un par de semanas, oí dentro de mi espíritu, “Me preparas un banquete a la vista de mis adversarios; derramas perfume sobre me cabeza y me colmas de bendiciones...” (Salmo 23: 5 RVC)

Y allí en ese momento  ¡lo hice! Les perdoné. Ya no tienen poder sobre mis pensamientos, mis sueños, mi corazón ni mi alma. Porque “Me infunde nuevas fuerzas y me guía por el camino correcto.” (Salmo 23: 3 RVC) Realmente estoy bendecida y le doy gracias a Dios cada día que me ha dado. Ya no soy ni víctima ni sobreviviente  ¡Soy un persona victoriosa!

It has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions that I should share my testimony with others - that there are other women out there that have been through some or all the tests that I have encountered in my life.  I never imagined that my story would be of help to anyone.  I have always had a servant heart, helping anyone in any way that I could.  And everyone who knows me, also knows that my life is an open book.  I have no secrets.  But, how in the world would sharing my story possibly "help"? 

For the past few months, the Lord has been talking to me about this Hope that I have burning in me.  It has just always been there and no matter what I was going through, it was never snuffed out.  Even in my darkest times - times that I honestly wished I could just slip into a coma and never wake up, or when I wished I had the "courage" to just end my own life.  What stopped me?  HOPE!  Unexplainable, burning Hope.  I didn't know where it came from, I just knew I had it.  And now, the Lord has laid it on my heart to explain my Hope to you.

I have 2 favorite scriptures on which I base my Hope.  The first is Hebrews 11:1 "Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  (King James Version)  Now let's look at that same scripture in The Message version of the Bible - "Now, faith is the CONFIDENCE in what we hope for and the assurance about what we do not see."  I have always just "known" that there is a reason and purpose for me.  I have dabbled in many things, thinking that I was on my way to my purpose, only to figure out "that's not it."  Instead of giving up in discouragement, I just look at it as a learning experience.  You see, no matter how faithful we are, we all make mistakes and wander off of the path that the Lord has set before us.  He knows we will do it and He knows we will sometimes get hurt, but He is right there to pick us up and love on us when we come back to Him.  He sets our feet right back on the path we wandered from.  (And if you are anything like me, you may have wandered off the path more times than you care to count.)

Last Sunday in church, my Pastor was preaching and he said something that I could not write down fast enough, because it is SPOT ON for this article!  He said "God's Word + Hope (expectancy) + faith = manifestation.  Hope forms the image (according to the Word of God), faith acts on the image and gives it substance (confidence)....until it becomes reality.  But you must continually act on that faith and keep it in the forefront."  And then yesterday, I was a talking to my good friend about changing the direction of my blog from articles about Lupus & Chronic Pain to articles of Hope, based on my personal testimony.  He happened to be listening to a service on the radio and shared the following with me:  "In the original Greek, the words Hope, Expectancy & Pregnancy are interchangeable.  When we Hope, the Lord has impregnated us with what we are expecting.  Just like an expectant mother, you feel the first of that Hope seed." 

Now look at the definitions of some of the words from Hebrews 11:1, my Pastor's quote and what my friend shared with me:

Faith is the SUBSTANCE:  ultimate reality that underlies all outward manifestations.  This is confidence.

Hoped for (EXPECTED):  to think something will certainly happen.  To consider something to be reasonable, required, or necessary.

MANIFESTATION:  a perceptible, outward, visible expression.  A public demonstration of power & purpose.

Does that bless you as much as it does me?  I certainly Hope so.  If not, hang on - I'm not done.  I said that I have 2 favorite scriptures that I base my Hope on.  Here is the 2nd one:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11  See that word Hope?  This scripture is literally saying that He WILL give us our EXPECTED destiny.  Not just in heaven, but here on earth!  Look at Matthew chapter 6  where the Jesus teaches the disciples how to pray, He says "Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be your name.  Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, ON EARTH as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses (debts), as we forgive those who trespass (owe) against us.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."  That's in RED letters, folks.  That means He said it and so I believe it!  Why?  Because He cannot and will not lie!

Let me share Jeremiah 29:11-14a from The Message version of the Bible:  "I know what I am doing, I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you HOPE (expect) for.  When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.  When you come looking for me, you'll find me.  Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED.  (God's decree)" 

No matter where I have been in life, what tragedies have befallen me, what mistakes I have made, how far I have run from Him - He loves me!  From the moment I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior and professed with my mouth that Jesus Christ died on that cross for my sins - He has loved me and waited patiently while I got my act together.  And He has promised me that I can expect to be abundantly blessed (oh I know I am already blessed), but He promises to bless beyond anything I could possibly imagine.  And I happen to have a very vivid imagination - so, I am expecting phenomenal.  Because his Word says "Those who Hope in Me will not be disappointed."  Isaiah 49:23

I realize this is not my testimony per se, but I felt it necessary to explain where my Hope comes from before going into the gory details of my past.  And not to worry - I won't be unloading it all at once.  My Hope is that this endeavor will reach at least one person.  A single person that will see that no matter what is happening in their life....there IS Hope!  And He is just waiting for you to seek Him, cry out to Him, believe in Him, accept Him as your Lord and Savior and He will pour out His blessings upon you.  I pray that you are blessed by this blog and that you continue with me on this journey.

La Explicación de Mi ESPERANZA, 8 de junio de 2016

Me han comentado en numerosas ocasiones que debería compartir mi testimonio con otras personas — que hay otras mujeres en el mundo que han pasado por alguna o por  todas las pruebas que yo he encontrado en mi vida. Nunca me imaginé que mi historia pudiera ayudar a nadie. Siempre he tenido el corazón de siervo, ayudando a cualquier persona en cualquier forma posible. Y todos los que me conocen, saben mi vida como un libro abierto. No tengo secretos. Pero, ¿Cómo podría ser posible que el compartir mi historia pudiera ser una "ayuda"?

En los últimos meses, el Señor se ha estado comunicando conmigo sobre esta Esperanza que está ardiendo dentro de mí. Siempre ha estado allí, y a pesar de lo que me pasaba nunca se extinguió. Aún en los momentos más obscuros — momentos en que honestamente deseaba entrar en coma para jamás despertar,  o las veces que deseaba tener el “valor” de acabar con mi vida — ¿Qué es lo que me detuvo? ¡LA ESPERANZA! Una Esperanza ardiente, inexplicable. No sé de dónde venía, sólo sabía que la tenía. Y ahora, el Señor me ha puesto en el corazón la necesidad de explicarles mi Esperanza.

Tengo dos escrituras favoritas que son la base de mi Esperanza. El primero es Hebreos 11:1, “Es pues la fe la sustancia de las cosas que se esperan, la demostración de las cosas que no se ven.” (Reina Valera Antigua)

Ahora vemos esta misma escritura traducida de la versión The Message (El Mensaje) de la Biblia, “Ahora, la fe es la CONFIANZA en lo que esperamos y la seguridad de lo que no se ve.”  Siempre he “sabido” que hay una razón y un propósito para mi vida. He probado varias cosas, pensando que ahora sí estaba encaminada hacia mi propósito, sólo para descubrir que eso no era. En vez de darme por vencida, lo tomaba como una lección en la vida. Ya ven, sin importar qué tan fieles somos, todos nos equivocamos y erramos del camino que el Señor nos ha preparado. Él sabe que nos equivocaremos y sabe que a veces nos vamos a lastimar, pero está allí para levantarnos y abrazarnos cuando volvamos a Él. Nos pone los pies otra vez en el camino de dónde nos habíamos extraviado. (Y si ustedes se parecen a mí de alguna forma, podrían haberse salido del camino más veces de lo que quisieran admitir.)

El domingo pasado en mi iglesia, el Pastor estaba predicando y dijo algo que me apuré en escribir porque es TOTALMENTE  RELACIONADO con éste artículo. Dijo que “La Palabra de Dios + La Esperanza (la expectación/anticipación) + la fe = la manifestación. La Esperanza forma la imagen (de acuerdo con la Palabra de Dios), la fe actúa sobre la imagen y crea la sustancia (confianza)…hasta que se convierta en realidad. Pero tienen que actuar constantemente sobre esa fe y mantenerla en primer plano. Ayer estaba yo platicando con un buen amigo sobre la idea de cambiar el enfoque de mi blog de artículos sobre Lupus y el Dolor Crónico hacia artículos sobre la Esperanza, basados en mi testimonio personal. En ese momento él estaba escuchando un sermón en el radio y compartió lo siguiente conmigo. “En la lengua griega, las palabras Esperanza, Expectación, y Embarazo tienen la misma raíz y son intercambiables. Cuando Esperamos (algo), el Señor nos ha impregnado de lo que estamos en expectativa — como una madre embarazada que siente el principio de esa semilla de Esperanza.”

Ahora veamos las definiciones de algunas de las palabras de Hebreos 11:1, las palabras de mi pastor y lo que mi amigo compartió conmigo:

La Fe es LA SUSTANCIA: la realidad fundamental que es la base de todas las manifestaciones externas. Esto es la CONFIANZA.

Lo Esperado (LO ANTICIPADO): el pensar con certitud que algo va a suceder; el considerar que algo es razonable, requerido o necesario.

LA MANIFESTACION: una expresión perceptible, externa y visible; una demostración pública de poder y propósito

¿Esas cosas les bendicen el corazón a ustedes como me bendicen a mí? Espero que realmente sí. Pero si no, esperen un momento, que todavía no acabo. Dije que tengo 2 escrituras favoritas sobre las cuales baso mi Esperanza.  Aquí está la segunda:

“Sólo yo sé los planes que tengo para ustedes. Son planes para su bien, y no para su mal, para que tengan un futuro lleno de esperanza.” (Jeremías 29:11, RVC) ¿Ven esa palabra “Esperanza”? Esta escritura dice literalmente que Él nos VA A DAR nuestro destino ESPERADO/ANTICIPADO. No sólo en el cielo, sino también aquí en la tierra! Observen en el capítulo 6 de Mateo donde Jesús enseña a rezar a sus discípulos, diciendo “Padre Nuestro que estás en los cielos, santificado sea tu nombre. Venga tu reino. Hágase tu voluntad, en la tierra como en el cielo. El pan nuestro de cada día, dánoslo hoy. Perdónanos nuestras deudas, como también nosotros perdonamos nuestros deudores. No nos metas en tentación, sino líbranos del mal.”  ¡Esto está impreso con tinta ROJA, gente! Eso quiere decir que Él lo dijo, y por lo tanto ¡lo creo!  ¿Por qué? ¡Porque Él no tiene ni la capacidad para mentir!

Déjame compartir una versión de Jeremías 29:11 traducida de The Message (El Mensaje). “Yo sé lo que estoy haciendo, lo tengo todo planeado — planes para cuidarte, no abandonarte, planes para darte el futuro que ESPERAS (anticipas). Cuando me llames, cuando llegues a mí a rezar, escucharé. Cuando me vengas a buscar, me encontrarás. Sí, cuando me busques con sinceridad y lo quieres más que nada, me aseguraré que NO TE DESILUSIONARÁS. (Decreto de Dios)”

Sin importar donde haya estado en mi vida, ni las tragedias que me hayan sucedido, ni mis errores, ni qué tanto me haya alejado de Él, ¡Él me ama! Desde el momento en que lo acepté como mi Señor y Salvador y profesé con mi boca que Jesús Cristo murió en la cruz por mis pecados — Él me ha amado y esperado pacientemente mientras llegaba a enderezar me vida. Y me ha prometido que puedo esperar ser bendecida de una manera de abundancia (estoy bien consciente de que ya estoy bendecida), pero Él promete bendiciones más allá de lo que pudiera imaginarme. Y yo sí tengo una imaginación muy activa — así que estoy esperando algo fenomenal porque Su Palabra dice “Los que Esperan en Mi no se quedarán desilusionados.” Isaías 49:23

Me doy cuenta que esto no es mi testimonio en sí, pero sentí la necesidad de explicar de dónde viene mi Esperanza antes de proceder a contar los detalles brutales de mi pasado, Pero no se preocupen — no se lo voy a echar todo de una vez. Mi Esperanza es que esta obra llegue por lo menos a una persona. Una persona solitaria que comprenda que sea lo que sea que esté pasando en su vida…HAY Esperanza. Y Él está esperando que Le busques, que Le grites, que creas en Él, que Lo aceptes como tu Señor y Salvador, y te lloverá con sus bendiciones. Rezo que este blog les bendiga y que continúen a seguirme en este trayecto.

"As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations, before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were."  Romans 4:17 KJV

Now, let's look at that same scripture in another version:  "We call Abraham "father" no because he got God's attention by living like a saint, but because God made something out of Abraham when he was a nobody.  Isn't that what we've always read in Scripture, God saying to Abraham, "I set you up as father of many peoples"?  Abraham was first named "father" and then BECAME a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do:  raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing.  When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he WOULD do.  And so he was made father of a multitude of peoples.  God himself said to him, "You're going to have a big family Abraham!""  Romans 4:17-18 The Message version

This scripture has become a major stepping stone in my walk of faith.  For years, I had heard the paraphrase "speak to those things that are not as though they were."  And the key part of Romans 4:17 is the last word of the KJV ... "WERE" - that's past tense!  Meaning; you put your God faith to work and you BELIEVE that it already happened.  Wow!  What a Rhema moment in my life! 

"What?"  you ask, "does this have to do with a blog about chronic illness?"  Well, let me tell you.  See - I went into remission from Lupus last July.  But before I even saw the doctor, I had already decided to BELIEVE that I WAS healed.  I prayed scripture over myself (and I still do).  One of my favorites to pray over myself is "And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.  For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith."  Mark 11:22-23 KJV  The part I say is "I say to this mountain (change that word to whatever I am facing), be removed from me and fall into the sea.  In Jesus name."  That, my friends; is how you can pray scripture over your own lives.  You just take scripture and make it personal (1st person), SPEAK it, BELIEVE what you say, use God faith. 

I hear so many people begging God (and I too have spent my time in the begging position), God does not want us to grovel at his feet.  He is not a dictator.  He loves us and He cares about us.  Look at it from this perspective:  How much do you love your children? You would go to the ends of the earth for them, right?  Well, imagine this - He loves you MORE than that!  He wants us to have health and happiness.  Prayer is super simple - Speak His Word, pray His will and BELIEVE what you say! 

I also know that there are so many people who will say "I prayed for this" or "I prayed for that. And nothing happened."  My answer to that question is:  Are you sure you prayed for His will?  Do you Believe what you spoke?  Was there even a shred of selfishness in that prayer?  These are always good questions to ask yourself before you pray.  Because if you are praying for something outside His will, it won't happen.  If you don't Believe what you spoke, it won't happen.  If you were praying selfishly, you might as well shut up before you even start. 

I am still praying God's will in my life and I have new mountains all the time, but I now look at those mountains as stepping stones (lessons) on my journey to the fullness of His blessings in and over my life.  (Example:  I love puzzle games that have levels and chapters.  I play one called Mosaic World: I have to click on the correct squares within a grid, using correlating numbers, in order to reveal a picture.  There are a set number of picture puzzles to solve within a chapter to earn my way up to the next level.  And each picture is more difficult to solve within a chapter.)  I see the Word and my walk with God in much the same way.  Each lesson is a little more difficult than the last and sometimes it takes a lot of backing all the way up and starting over.  But ohhhh the joy and celebrating that goes on when I finally get the revelation!

In a nutshell:  If you prayed God's will, you Believe what you spoke and you are not praying selfishly - then He heard you.  Your job is to keep the faith.  God answers prayer in HIS time, not ours.  Sometimes prayers seem to be unanswered, simply because there is a lesson that we haven't quite grasped yet.  So keep reading His Word, keep speaking to the mountain and most importantly BELIEVE that you will receive the answer.  Faith is an action word, a verb, a tool (someone very close to me, just showed that to me recently).  You exercise your faith.  Use it to get you through until the prayer is answered! (and sometimes, you got the answer; it just doesn't look like what you expected.)

Don't leave your faith in the toolbox - USE IT!

It was never about "going on a diet,"  because I have been there and done that.  I "dieted" my way all the way up to 342.2 pounds!  I began this journey by looking at where I was and why I was there.  I was so sick (physically and emotionally), I couldn't drag myself out of bed (I was sleeping 18 to 20 hours a day!).  Part of that was the Lupus & Fibromyalgia, but I am no longer kidding myself.  The biggest part of that was depression. 

I was so sad and so very lonely.  The only thing I thought I could depend on was food.  Happy?  Eat.  Sad?  Eat.  Lonely?  Eat, A LOT.  Pain so excruciating that I couldn't function?  Eat.  Take your meds and go back to bed.  My whole life revolved around eating and sleeping and crying.  I fooled myself by saying, I don't eat very much at meals, so why am I so fat?  Well, the truth is - I didn't eat much at meals, because people would see.  I ate in secret.  Food was my best friend (and worst enemy).  I slept to escape the horrific pain ravaging my body; but more honestly, to escape my life.  I cried because I was in so much pain; but mostly because I was an emotional mess.  I no longer had any idea "who" I was, or what I wanted out of my life.  I was just going through the motions of life.  Not taking any responsibility for my own situation.  I was in a prison of my own choosing.

My Grandma passed away 3 years ago yesterday.  I made a promise to her 2 days before.  I told her that I knew she was hanging on because she felt no one would continue the work she had begun.  I told her it was ok to let go, to go home, because I would pick up her torch and I would press on in her place.  I had no idea how I would do it, but I just knew in that moment that she needed to know that I WOULD do it.  I never made a promise to that wonderful woman that I did not keep.  And I am not about to start now.

I now realize that that promise was the start of this journey.  The day that my Grandma went home - a spark lit in me that I could NOT deny.  I began fanning that flame.  I quickly learned that in order to carry the torch, I had to take a long, hard look at myself and make some big changes.  The first change (and I thought this would be the easy part), get a grip on my weight.  Nope!  NOT the easy part.  Why?  Because everything in my life was tied up in that number on the scale.

1.  Lupus &  Fibromyalgia - I had to DECIDE it wasn't going to beat me.  I had to realize that even if I lived my whole life with those diseases, I could still live a healthy life.  AND losing weight would DRASTICALLY reduce my joint pain. 

2.  Depression, sadness - I had to DECIDE to choose happiness.  I had to find something to make me smile everyday.  I began stating a list of things I was grateful for every single time I opened my eyes.  I found my sense of humor again.

3.  Loneliness - the big one.  I hit my knees and I apologized to God for leaving Him out of my life.  Oh sure, I was still a believer and I was Christian and I prayed.  But I never looked at Him as my friend.  I never looked to Him to fill the void in my heart.  I was praying for others to feel Him in theirs, but I wasn't praying for myself!

4.  That Self-imposed Prison - I began to slowly see "why" I was there and "what" I needed to do about it. I had to learn that I am not a victim, I am victorious.  I had to learn what it was that got me there and what it was that kept me there, so that I would not escape, just to find myself in another one.  I had to learn to quit jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.   

5.  Weight - once I began working on #'s 1-4, the weight DID become the easy part.  I listen to my body now, if I am full, I push away from the table.  I eat out all them time and the best part?  I always have the most awesome lunch (left overs) the next day.  I don't eat emotionally or out of boredom anymore - I have too much other stuff to do!  If I have a craving for Braum's Cherry Chocolate Chip ice cream or French Fries.....I eat them!  I have learned that 3 bites of something you crave is the perfect amount.

If I am not feeling well (sick), I take that to God, NOT the kitchen.  If I am feeling sad, I take that to God and He always shows me how blessed I truly am. If I am lonely, I take that to God and He listens and suddenly friends show up! 

The weight issue?  As of today, my goal is another 49 pounds.  The change of lifestyle?  That journey is no where near the end.  I am a work in progress and I will always be a work in progress.  I feel honored to carry the torch that my Grandma so gracefully entrusted to me. 

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  1 John 4:18 (NIV)

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)

I made a post of facebook last week that included a few quotes "Miracles come in CANS, not cant's" - Joyce Meyer, "Expect Miracles" - Unknown & " Always believe something wonderful is about to happen" - Unknown.  I also included a quote of my own "It's just a matter of perspective - I choose to find a miracle everyday.  Like a personal "treasure" hunt."

I am full of questions, curiosity and wonder.  I find positive everywhere. I laugh at things that others find ridiculous.  I see beauty where others only see something hideous.  I hear songs where others only hear noise.  I find good in people that others have chalked off as "lost" causes.  Why?  I say, "why not?"  Because it is who I am.  It is who I was created to be.

No, I am not living in a fantasy world.  I know that this world is full of corruption.  I know that there is evil.  I am aware that spiritual warfare is going on.  Does that mean that since I CHOOSE to have joy in my life, that I am naïve?  No!  It just means that I have had enough of negative in my life and I have made a conscious decision to be positive.  Does that mean that nothing bad ever happens to me?  No!  It means that I just trust and BELIEVE that something good will come from it.  I watch the news - I see what is happening.  The media is geared to telling us the disputes, the horrors, the arguments, etc., etc.  I pray for the people, our government, this nation.

What does it hurt to focus my thoughts on miracles and wonders?  Nothing.  What hurts is when I am so focused on looking for a positive, that I don't see the hit coming from the negative.  What hurts is when I don't ACT when led to do so.  I can choose joy all day long, but who am I helping by not speaking and calling out the negative?  The answer is, no one.  As an adult, mother, daughter, friend - I have to get off of my laurels. Tough love is also positive - I have to straighten up my God-given back bone.  I have always been afraid of hurting someone's feelings or making them mad (preferring to be hurt my own self).  I have come to realize that in the long run....I am hurting them.   

The last 18 months have been a whirlwind of changes in my life - all for the better. I have had to make conscious decisions that I never thought I could make.  I made them.  And, guess what?  No one died because of them!  Matter of fact - those decisions brought about so much more positive and I am truly blessed.  So, now I am putting my faith where my mouth is, and I say - "bring on more changes, I am ready, I am willing and I am able."  I will speak truth even if it hurts.  Because the hurt is only for a moment.

It is a learning process - and I am not as far along in this lesson as I would like to be.  Who's fault is that?  Mine.  I take full responsibility for it. 

Positive brings positive. I will continue to search for the rainbows - it is a gift that I treasure.

As a woman who has suffered from a chronic illness and the ensuing chronic pain that comes along with it; I realize that it is very difficult to stay positive and BELIEVE that God is not punishing or forgetting about you.  I suffered in pain and sickness for over 7 years and I thought it would never end.  I prayed and prayed and wondered "where are you, God?  Why do you let me suffer like this?  What have I done so bad to deserve this?"  And yes, at times I even prayed "Just take me now, I cannot live one more day in this pain." 

I am ashamed now to realize that my faith was so far dwindled that I was on the edge of slipping over the cliff.  Because I know that I know that I know - God is NOT a cruel God, He is a LOVING God.  I just forgot (or more likely) pushed aside, that He answers our prayers in His time.  There was a lesson to be learned in that misery and until I gathered my faith back up to BELIEVE that I would be healed - I tied His hands toward my healing.  You see, God is a gentleman - He does not step in where we do not allow Him.  My doctor says I am currently in remission - I believe THE doctor has healed me.  And for those naysayers:  if I am not healed and I get sick again, I will NOT ever believe it is punishment or that I lack faith.  If I haven't learned anything else, I have learned that I do have faith and it is strong and no matter what I face in this life, I can get through it because I have my Lord and Savior walking beside me and He will carry me when I cannot walk.

I was reading the book of Ruth today and Naomi's story really spoke to me.  She also believed that God had turned against her.  She lived in famine ridden Moab and nearly starved to death.  Her husband died and a few years later, she lost both of her sons.  She told both of her daughters-in-law to go back to their families, that she had nothing to offer them and that they would likely starve to death if they remained with her.  One of them went home, but not Ruth.  She loved Naomi and pledged to stay with her to the end of their lives.

"...the hand of the Lord is gone out against thee."  Ruth 1:13 

  Naomi believed that her adversity demonstrated that she no longer had God's favor, but that He was against her.  We must not consider all adversity and hardship to be the result of God's actions or His dissatisfaction with us.  Satan and everyday life experience will inflict difficulties and hardship on us, irregardless of our relationship with God.   An awesome example of this is in Luke chapter 13, beginning with verse 11 "and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for 18 years.  She was bent over and could not straighten up at all.  When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God."  ....fast forward to verse 16 (Jesus speaking) "Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for 18 long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?" 

The King James version calls it a spirit of infirmity.  Jesus sees some physical sickness as the direct result of demonic activity or oppression.  This crippled woman was afflicted by a spirit of infirmity.  "This woman...Satan hath bound." (v 16 KJV)  We must "see" with the eyes of Christ, the suffering of humanity.  Jesus taught that many people are imprisoned by sickness and they are in great distress and in great need.  We are in great danger of becoming insensitive to the world's misery.  True disciples are like Jesus, in that they are able to see life's distress and hear the groaning of creation.  If we suffer illness, it is not punishment - it is of this world.  If we see or know those suffering illness, it is not their "fault,"  and we are to pray for and with them and BELIEVE for their healing.

Now, back to Naomi's story:  Naomi and Ruth traveled to Bethlehem in the time of the barley harvest.  In the law of Moses, God had commanded Israel to allow the poor and needy to gather grain that was left in the fields after the harvest.  (God wants those who have plenty to share with those in need.)  When they arrived in Bethlehem, Ruth went to one of the fields to gather grain in order to feed herself and her beloved mother-in-law.  While Ruth was gathering in the field, she caught the eye of Boaz, who owned the field.  He said to her "I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband - how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before.  May the Lord repay you for what you have done.  May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge."  (Ruth 2:11-12 NIV)  Ruth went back to Naomi and told her about the man that owned those fields and Naomi was ecstatic!  You see, Boaz was related to Naomi's late husband.  And in those days, Boaz was required by the law of Moses to provide for the needs of his relatives. (Boaz went one step further by marrying Ruth - but that's a whole 'nother subject).

"Then Naomi said to her daughter-in-law, "Blessed be he of the Lord, who has not forsaken His kindness to the living and the dead!" And Naomi said to her, "This man is a relation of ours, one of our close relatives."  And this, my friends, is where Naomi began to understand that God had NOT forsaken her!  That His love for her was never ending.  She had a change of attitude toward her previous perception of the situation she was in.  She began to understand that God, had indeed; heard all her prayers and had answered them in the PERFECT time. 

Sure, she went through some pretty tough times, but I am pretty sure the great-great-(step)grandmother of King David was thankful for every single lesson she learned during that time of her life.  I know that I am grateful for the lessons I would never have learned had I not gone through those YEARS of pain and suffering.  I would have been able to sympathize with others in this situation, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can truly "feel" the pain of those suffering with the myriad of chronic illness and chronic pain disorders and diseases.  It's called empathy - and I thank God for it!

Dear Lord, I lift up each of my friends, family and LaughingLupie readers that suffer from chronic disease, to your throne.  I ask that you strengthen their bones, hearts, lungs, livers, kidneys, skin and minds.  I pray that you show your love and mercy in a very personal way to each and every one.  I give you all praise and glory, In Jesus' mighty name.  Amen.

So I have been re-examining my life. I have come a LONG way in recent months. 

I feel better than I have in years. I now know what joy is (it is not just happiness) - it is a security you feel all the way to your bones.  I have reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I have become a much calmer and patient person (yes! I said "patient"). I am more able to let things go that are not mine to handle. And ask for help when I need it.

I have come to realize that my past is my past for a reason. And it is just that - the past. It is my testimony and I should use it to help others. I am no longer ashamed. It was what it was and now it is an excellent tool box from which to draw strengths to share with others.

My walk with God is AMAZING - I have been a Christian for years, but somehow I never felt the calm and joy in my soul that I have now.

Having said all of that - I realized that I have let my "guard" (for lack of a better word) down lately. I have let a few of those bad habits and thoughts and people creep back into my mind. I haven't  outwardly acted on it, but it has affected me.

I have been feeling sick both physically  and emotionally. All because I have allowed the opinions of others to creep into my mind and because the constant barrage of drama (that used to be my life) is trying to jump back FULL FLEDGED into my life.

In my past, I was  so opinionated and angry that I screamed about everything, but still layed  down to be a door mat. I have noticed the opposite  extreme. I don't  scream and freak out, but I have still managed to be a door mat. I manage to let the problems and negativity of others to walk right over my feelings and don't  say a word. (I have just been telling myself "it's  ok, at least you aren't angry and screaming your head off") - well that isn't good either.

I wasn't created to be a doormat. I am a woman of God and just because I am compassionate does not equate that I can never voice my opinions,  problems, hurt feelings, needs and desires.

If my feelings, goals, desires and needs are not important  to the people I surround myself with. Then maybe I am still in the habit of surrounding myself with the wrong people. And that is no one's  fault but my own. I have to learn to quit worrying about someone being upset with me.

I am who I am. And I have to let the stress go from my life - it is the BIGGEST trigger to a flare. And I have managed to stave off flares for months now.

I deserve love, acceptance, friendship, respect, truth and honesty. Even if others disagree with my beliefs  or opinions - the world will not come to an end if I give voice to such. However; if I continue to be the doormat "drama queen" - it hurts me in the end. I get sicker and end up in bed and in horrific pain for weeks on end.  I refuse to go there.

The time for games is over and I accept my part in having played them.

I have been doing a lot of thinking here lately about how well I feel and it's connection to my prayer life.  It's amazing to me that removing stressors, believing for healing (instead of crying over the pain), surrounding myself with positive prayer warriors and fine tuning my relationship with God has literally turned my illness around.  Thank you Jesus!

So - that led me to studying the word prayer:  what it means, how to do it and where it leads.

Prayer refers to a multifaceted communication with God:  calling upon God, calling the name of the Lord, crying unto the Lord, lifting up your (or someone else's) soul to God, seeking God, thanking God, walking with God, and coming boldly to the throne of grace.

Prayer is the link to receiving God's blessings and power, and the link to the fulfillment of His promises.  James specifically states (in James 5:14-15) that  physical healing can come to the believer in response to "the prayer of faith."

We must pray with sincere, true faith.  "What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."  Mark 11:24  Faith is BELIEVING in things hoped for, things you can't see.  Super simple - Believe.

We must pray in Jesus' name.  "And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified by the Son.  If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it."  John 14:13-14  What is the name? 

We must pray according to the perfect will of God.  "And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask anything according to his will, he heareth us."  I John 5:14  It's so easy to know if you are praying the will of God - ask yourself "does my request line up with scripture?"  Look it up.

We must be IN the will of God when we pray.  God only give us the things we ask for IF we first seek His kingdom and His righteousness.  "And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight."  I John 3:22  In Psalm 66:18 the writer shows that if we cherish our sins (definition of cherish:  hold dear, to be fond of, to protect) "the Lord will not hear."  Confess your sins, do your best not to commit them again.  No one is perfect, but we must strive to live as closely as Jesus did.  When you mess up, confess it!  Ask for forgiveness and move on.

We must pray persistently.  "Ask...seek...knock."  Matthew 7:7-8  Bring your requests before the throne daily, until you receive your answer.  Sometimes that answer is "no" and we must have the faith to BELIEVE that God has other (more glorious plans) for our lives.  Sometimes the answer is "yes, but wait" and we must have the faith to BELIEVE that it will happen in God's time.  Remember - God's time is NOT our time!  Sometimes the answer is "yes" and we receive immediately.  No matter what the answer is - be thankful and praise Him.

That brings me to what I believe is the pinnacle of our prayer life.  We must praise Him and come before Him with a thankful heart.  "Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.  For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all the generations."  Psalm 100:4-5  

I thank God every single day for the trials and tribulations that I have endured in my life.  I know that I know that I know - that it is not for naught.  I have seen where God has used me to testify to others that have been in similar situations that I have gone through.  Do I wish that I didn't have this disease?  Do I sometimes forget to praise him when I am in excruciating pain (physical, spiritual or mental)?  Do I want His promises now?  Do I sometimes wonder if he heard me?  The answer is - OF COURSE!!!  But I will not allow the devil to rob me of my blessings by continually trying to work things out on my own.  I/we MUST BE PATIENT. "Be still and know that I am God..."  Psalm 46:10

 When I am in pain, I pray for relief and then I tell God "I know there is a reason and I pray for strength and direction."  I believe that I am healed and I claim it every day.  I have the joy of the Lord and I will only speak peace and healing over my body, mind and spirit.  And I speak peace and healing over yours.