It was never about "going on a diet," because I have been there and done that. I "dieted" my way all the way up to 342.2 pounds! I began this journey by looking at where I was and why I was there. I was so sick (physically and emotionally), I couldn't drag myself out of bed (I was sleeping 18 to 20 hours a day!). Part of that was the Lupus & Fibromyalgia, but I am no longer kidding myself. The biggest part of that was depression.
I was so sad and so very lonely. The only thing I thought I could depend on was food. Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat. Lonely? Eat, A LOT. Pain so excruciating that I couldn't function? Eat. Take your meds and go back to bed. My whole life revolved around eating and sleeping and crying. I fooled myself by saying, I don't eat very much at meals, so why am I so fat? Well, the truth is - I didn't eat much at meals, because people would see. I ate in secret. Food was my best friend (and worst enemy). I slept to escape the horrific pain ravaging my body; but more honestly, to escape my life. I cried because I was in so much pain; but mostly because I was an emotional mess. I no longer had any idea "who" I was, or what I wanted out of my life. I was just going through the motions of life. Not taking any responsibility for my own situation. I was in a prison of my own choosing.
My Grandma passed away 3 years ago yesterday. I made a promise to her 2 days before. I told her that I knew she was hanging on because she felt no one would continue the work she had begun. I told her it was ok to let go, to go home, because I would pick up her torch and I would press on in her place. I had no idea how I would do it, but I just knew in that moment that she needed to know that I WOULD do it. I never made a promise to that wonderful woman that I did not keep. And I am not about to start now.
I now realize that that promise was the start of this journey. The day that my Grandma went home - a spark lit in me that I could NOT deny. I began fanning that flame. I quickly learned that in order to carry the torch, I had to take a long, hard look at myself and make some big changes. The first change (and I thought this would be the easy part), get a grip on my weight. Nope! NOT the easy part. Why? Because everything in my life was tied up in that number on the scale.
1. Lupus & Fibromyalgia - I had to DECIDE it wasn't going to beat me. I had to realize that even if I lived my whole life with those diseases, I could still live a healthy life. AND losing weight would DRASTICALLY reduce my joint pain.
2. Depression, sadness - I had to DECIDE to choose happiness. I had to find something to make me smile everyday. I began stating a list of things I was grateful for every single time I opened my eyes. I found my sense of humor again.
3. Loneliness - the big one. I hit my knees and I apologized to God for leaving Him out of my life. Oh sure, I was still a believer and I was Christian and I prayed. But I never looked at Him as my friend. I never looked to Him to fill the void in my heart. I was praying for others to feel Him in theirs, but I wasn't praying for myself!
4. That Self-imposed Prison - I began to slowly see "why" I was there and "what" I needed to do about it. I had to learn that I am not a victim, I am victorious. I had to learn what it was that got me there and what it was that kept me there, so that I would not escape, just to find myself in another one. I had to learn to quit jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
5. Weight - once I began working on #'s 1-4, the weight DID become the easy part. I listen to my body now, if I am full, I push away from the table. I eat out all them time and the best part? I always have the most awesome lunch (left overs) the next day. I don't eat emotionally or out of boredom anymore - I have too much other stuff to do! If I have a craving for Braum's Cherry Chocolate Chip ice cream or French Fries.....I eat them! I have learned that 3 bites of something you crave is the perfect amount.
If I am not feeling well (sick), I take that to God, NOT the kitchen. If I am feeling sad, I take that to God and He always shows me how blessed I truly am. If I am lonely, I take that to God and He listens and suddenly friends show up!
The weight issue? As of today, my goal is another 49 pounds. The change of lifestyle? That journey is no where near the end. I am a work in progress and I will always be a work in progress. I feel honored to carry the torch that my Grandma so gracefully entrusted to me.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 (NIV)
"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)