Hope N the Word

I heard a song in church this morning that I had never heard before.  I cannot get the lyrics out of my mind, They speak to me - right. where. I am. in this moment.

"I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies.

I raise a hallelujah, louder than my unbelief.

I raise a hallelujah, fear has lost it's hold on me.

I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee."

Why do these lyrics speak to me?  Because God never promised that we wouldn't have storms in our life.  He never promised us an easy life.  But He DOES promise to walk with us thru the storms.  He does promise a rainbow after the flood.

I do not pretend to be anything that I am not.  I am in the midst of a storm, not just any storm; I am battered and ripped to shreds. I have been in such despair that all I can think about is to go to sleep and never come out of the covers.  Depression so overwhelming that I cannot physically see a single good thing about myself.  Overwrought with grief that attempts to smother the very breath that I need to live.  Satan has been using tactics to attack my mind, my intelligence, my sense of self worth, my overall opinion of myself, and my drive to move forward.  

This isn't the first of these storms I have encountered - always the same.  The enemy knows me too well.

Yes, I am the very person that I try so hard to reach thru this ministry.  Because no matter the storm, no matter the lies that are whispered in my ear - I have a HOPE within me that swells up and demands to be acknowledged. 

For today, I choose to just act on faith.  I will put my faith in front of my thoughts, emotions, and pain.  

"I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm.

Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar!

Up from the ashes, HOPE WILL ARISE.

Death is defeated, the King is alive.

Sing a little louder, heaven comes to fight for me."

If you are in the midst of storm, I encourage you to just raise a hallelujah and sing louder than the enemy's lies.  Though the storms rage and the wind blows, we have THE help in times of trouble.  God meets us in the storm.  

(song credit: Raise a Hallelujah by Bethel Music)

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.  Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.  In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles.  For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.  Taste and see that the Lord is good.  Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!  Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need.  Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing."  Psalm 34:4-10 (New Living Translation)

This was one of the scripture readings in church this morning and it couldn't have come at a better time.  

I am in a real struggle both personally and spiritually;  I was questioning God's call on my life and my ability to "hear" him anymore.  I have been devastated by heartbreak and what seems like failure.  Yesterday, I was ready to quit.  I was angry, sad, discouraged, confused, and afraid.  I prayed myself to sleep last night and woke up this morning even more upset.  

Drinking my coffee on the front porch; I silently asked God, "why are you letting this happen?  Why can't I hear you anymore?  WHERE are you?!?!?!?"  His answer?  "Are you going to keep listening to lies or are you going to get up and go to church and HEAR me thru my Word?"  WHOAH!  I heard THAT loud and clear!  I had 20 minutes to get dressed, throw on my face and be in the church door; I made it in time for the first worship song - 

"You Say" by Lauren Daigle:  "I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough.  Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up.  Am I more that just the sum of every high and every low?  Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh).  You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing.  You say I am strong when I think I am weak.  You say I am held when I am falling short.  When I don't belong, oh you say that I am Yours.  And I believe (oh) I believe.  What you say of me (oh) I believe.  The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me.  In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity."

In my mind I am thinking "how did the praise and worship team know?  How did they possibly come up with THIS song for Mother's Day????"  Well, they didn't "know,"  it was a Godwink moment.  It was His answer to my cries.  It was Psalm 34 versus 4 & 6 coming to life IN and FOR me!  I am not the lies in my mind.  I am His child.  I am loved and I am enough.  

Now, fast forward to the scripture reference:  verse 4 says that I prayed and He answered.  He freed me from ALL my fears.  Verse 6 says that I prayed desperately and He listened.  He saved me from ALL my troubles.  Pay attention!  It does not say that He freed me and saved me from "some," NO!  It says He freed and saved me from ALL my fears and troubles.  ALL of them.    

Verse 5 in the NLT version (referenced above) is absolutely wonderful because it says that if I lean on Him for help that I will be RADIANT with joy!  Take a look at the definition of that word, Radiant:  sending out light; shining or glowing brightly.  A point or object from which light radiates.  Marked by or expressive of love, confidence, or happiness. Isn't that just awesome?!?!?   

Am I still sad and heartbroken?  Yes.  Am I taking time to deal with that?  Yes. Are there going to be good days and ugly crying days? Absolutely. Is this going to be easy? No.  Do I believe that I will be this way from here on? NO!  I don't know how, and I don't know when - but I believe the Word of the Lord.  I cried out, and He heard me!  He will deliver me back to radiant joy. 

He says I am loved.

He says I am strong.

He says I am His.

And I believe.

The Lord laid something on my heart a few days ago and today I see the true meaning of it.

When we are weak, when we are in a storm, when we are confused, when we feel lost, when we can't see His purpose, when we feel utterly depleted and empty...that is where He meets us.  That is where we are called to give the last grain of our mustard seed to others.  That is where we are called to give our last flicker of the flame to light another's world.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  (New International Version)

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  (King James version)

That word, "Understanding"  in Hebrew (bee-naw) means:  Knowledge, meaning, wisdom.  Bee-naw is derived from the Hebrew word "Bene" meaning:  to separate mentally, or distinguish.  To consider, discern, feel, inform, have intelligence of, be prudent, to view wisely.

The word, "Heart" in this scripture in Hebrew (labe) means:  used widely for the feelings, the will, courage (or lack of), and even the intellect.  

The word "direct" in verse 6 in Hebrew (yaw-shar) means:  to be straight or even, to be or cause to make right, pleasant or prosperous.  To be pleasing and upright. To take the straight way.

To paraphrase Proverbs 3:5 & 6, these scriptures are literally saying:  Do not trust your own or other's opinions, ideas or feelings.  We must trust and listen to His guiding.  We must learn to operate in the Spirit.  Go where He says "go."  Walk where He says "walk." Trust where, who, and what He says "trust."  Sure, we can ask for prayer and inspiration from trusted Christian prayer warriors, but go to God FIRST.  Do not rely on feelings, this walk isn't about how we feel; it's about what He has called us to do.  When we learn to give our opinions, feelings and ideas to the mighty One that created us, His word says that he will direct us.  He will guide us, He will protect us, He will make us right, He will prosper our way.  

Titus 1:2 says God does not lie.  Hebrews 6:18 says it is IMPOSSIBLE for God to lie.  Who else can we fully trust to get us through the trials, the confusion and frustration, and the storms of this life?  No one.  His Word says to trust and acknowledge Him, to put away our own reasoning and feelings.  When we do this He WILL guide us, protect us, and prosper us.  The Bible is the inspired Word of God, and God cannot lie - so BELIEVE IT!  When the Word promises us a blessing, it is the plain and simple truth.  

Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice IN our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  

Many have misquoted this scripture to say "rejoice FOR our sufferings."  No.  God does not expect us to be happy that we are experiencing emotional, physical, or spiritual pain.  He says to rejoice as we go "through" the storm.  Why?  Because He is our Hope, He will bring us through victoriously.  He will protect, guide, and prosper us.  

And this is where I came to the conclusion mentioned in the first paragraph of this article.  When we are weak, He gives us strength.  When we are lost, He lights our path.  When we are confused, He comforts our heart. When we are desperate, He hears our cry.  When we share, He gives us more.  Shift your focus from self to others.  When we concentrate on the needs of someone else, our problems tend to diminish.  Like the old saying, "I just thought I had problems..."  You may not have a whole speech to share with a group of people, or a Bible study to share, but a prayer and a kind word for another will do wonders for your own sense of peace.

I challenge you today:  Share a prayer, a scripture, a testimony with someone hurting.  Or - keep it simple:  share a smile, sometimes that's the best encouragement you can give to someone. 

My article “Unmasking the Lie” appeared in FREED magazine, Fall 2018 Deception Breaking Free of the Lies That Bind edition.

“Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction.” Isaiah 38:17a

The deeper I go into studying emotional/verbal abuse, the more my eyes are opened to see what I was blind to during my 27 years of victimization. I am now able to comprehend the red flags that were there all along. I recognize the proverbial blinders I chose to wear until I was so beaten down that I no longer had the strength to remove them. I am in no way insinuating that any victim of abuse is at fault. I am merely stating that through much prayer and study, I know where I deceived myself into believing lie, upon lie, upon lie. I believed the lie to the point of desperation. I believed the liar to the point of losing my self-esteem, my dreams and goals, my friends and a lot of my family. I lived the lie until the Lord began to peel away the scales on my eyes and He began to show me in His Word who He says I am. I stayed in that “prison” until the light was shined on the truth. Once I saw the light, the door to freedom began to open. It took months of preparation, soul searching, prayer, and placing my hope, faith, and trust in Him to lift me out of the situation and not return to it or another like it. When the door was fully open, I ran!

The Lord has given me a ministry to turn my test into a testimony. And made it my mission to shine the light on the truth about emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse.

Most of these abusers are Narcissists and/or Sociopaths. Narcissism is NOT a disease! It is a decision. It is a decision to gain control of their target. They know exactly what they are doing. Narcissistic abuse is a gradual brainwashing and crazy-making of their victim. Therefore, since it is a decision to abuse, you cannot “help” them, “fix” them, “teach” them, or “show” them morals, decency or common courtesy. You cannot love them enough to make them want to change. You cannot placate them in any way. It is impossible to avoid an attack; no matter what you do, say, or don't say – everything is ammunition. All you can do is walk on eggshells and brace yourself – because it is coming.

Make no mistake, the Narcissist targeted you. They established rapport and gained your trust, they led you into sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, and (the worst part) you trusted them enough to share your past. These abusers target people that are already broken in some way; their targets are usually givers, hard workers, have a huge sense of compassion, and (are you ready for this?) are very intelligent. All of these are wonderful attributes and character traits – except in the hands of a Narcissist. The Narcissist/Sociopath remembers everything you shared, earned your trust by sharing “their” story only to begin building a trap for you with details of yours.

All the qualities they loved about you are now weapons in their arsenal. Here are a few examples I remember all too well. The twisting of my good qualities that my abuser used against me:

• Your strive to do better? Selfishness. All the time you spend going to school and studying takes away from your duties at home and you aren't going to use that degree anyway. “Who are you trying to impress, Miss High and Mighty college lady?”

• Your compassion for others? Stupidity. They don't appreciate it and are just using you. You could be at home showing ME some compassion.

• Your friendly nature? Tramp. You just flip your hair and bat your eyes at anyone who looks your way. You don't even know how pathetic you are. You are fat, lazy, frizzy haired, stupid, and no one else wants you.

• Your ability to work longs hours or hold down more than one job? Lazy. You aren't really working. You are hanging around the office with your so-called friends that are lazy like you, or they are single and have nothing else to do but gossip all day and night. You are using it as an excuse to stay away from home so you don't have to take care of the kids and the house.

• Your like-ability? Whatever. They don't like you. You probably told them some cock-a-mamie story about me so they would feel sorry for you. You are such a victim, poor baby.

• Your faith? Hah! You can't even do that right! Hypocrite. Have you ever read, “wives must submit themselves to the husbands, in EVERYTHING?” You don't submit to me on anything! You fight me on everything. If you would just be the Christian you claim to be, we wouldn't have these problems. *Of course he left out the whole scripture, focusing only on what I was supposed to do. Ephesians 5:22-26 ends with, “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...”

• Your friends and family? Losers and man-haters. They all hate me and you listen to them so much. All they do is talk smack about me. And their husbands? Wimps! No wonder we fight all the time, with all their garbage running through your head.

No matter how long or how much you have been targeted by the abuse, it is all a charade. This person has twisted your good qualities into something sinister and/or shameful. The Narcissist has cause you to question your own motives, intelligence, and character. This twisting of words, actions, and qualities has a technical term; it's called “gaslighting” (aka: crazy-making). And again, make no mistake, it is intentional.

Victims of long-term target practice tend to minimize the Narc's behavior. They tell themselves (and others), “I probably said it wrong.” “They're right, sometimes I just don't think.” “I don't know what else to do, I must not be trying hard enough.” And God forbid if someone outside the relationship actually calls you out on this. The immediate response is equally minimizing. “You don't understand him/her, he/she didn't mean it that way.” Or one that I heard recently, “He is just passive-aggressive, it's his way of not having to make a decision.”

Someone I dearly love once said to me, “If you don't respect yourself, how can you possibly expect me to respect you? If you can't even love yourself, how could you ever love anyone else?” That someone was a catalyst to opening my eyes, showing me that even though I was out of the situation, I was still minimizing it.

How can we get our lives back and find purpose and joy in living if we participate in the abuse by minimizing it or making excuses for it. Truth: It's impossible.

Brothers and Sisters I want to tell you who God says YOU and I are:

• You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 129:4)

• You are royalty. “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood...” 1 Peter 2:9a

• You are victorious. “For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:4

• You are the victor not the victim. “The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never the bottom.” Deuteronomy 28:13

• You and your children are protected. “I will contend with those who contend with you, and your children I will save.” Isaiah 49:25b

• You are loved, forever. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

• You are chosen. “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world...” Ephesians 1:4a

• You are strong. “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord is my strength and my song.” Isaiah 12:2

• You are enough, do not be ashamed. “Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other, never again will my people be shamed.” Joel 2:27

• You have a purpose and a future. “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

• You deserve peace. “My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.” Isaiah 32:18

• You are heard. “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a place to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2

• You have hope. “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31 & “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

• You are a new creation. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!” Isaiah 43:18-19a

What will you choose to believe? Lies, slander, and charade? Or the Word. Who will you choose to listen to? The Narcissist, who hunted you down and slew your self-worth? Or God, who has loved you since the beginning of the world.

While you ponder on the questions I posed to you, I have one more thing the Lord says you are:

You are free. “to say to the captives, 'Come out,' and to those in darkness, 'Be Free!'” Isaiah 49:9

I decided to believe the Word. I decided to believe that every single scripture in the Bible is a love letter—from God-- to me! I chose freedom. I chose love. I chose to stand up for myself. I chose to be free. I chose to hear and see the truth. I chose to find me again. I chose to believe my saviour, Jesus Christ.

Regarding the recent situation at our border: There is a particular statement I have seen and heard numerous times this past week, that has me deeply saddened.  The statement is, "It's the Mother's fault, she shouldn't have put her child in danger of being taken from her in the first place!"

I feel very alone in my empathy for these mothers who have had their children ripped from their arms at our border. I am heartbroken over the desperation they must have felt. Anguished over the guilt and sadness they must be suffering now.

What happened to compassion and empathy? 

I am not judging our laws or the processes to determine their fate, but I only ask that they be treated as decently as possible while they are in the United States' custody.  If there is a fault, it is the conditions in their countries.  People only leave their countries, their homes, and their people in desperation.  It stands to reason that if they had a bearable choice, they'd rather live peaceably in their own countries.  That being said; has anyone else thought about what the living conditions must have been like, in order to compel a Mother to take that risk? Traveling with a child or children, often by foot with very little money or food. Some knowing (others not), that they could be turned away or arrested? What must it have been like to live in a world where gambling on crossing illegally is a valid option?

Less than 2% of people crossing our southern border (illegally) are Mexican. The largest percentages are Honduran, Guatemalan, and El Salvadoran and most have the legal right to seek asylum under current U.S. immigration law (Temporary Protected Status program).  Part of the recent mass influx of women from Honduras and El Salvador is due to the dates expiring for applying for asylum (expiration dates have been pushed out 18 and 6 months respectively).  I have heard and read information on the atrocities that go on in those countries. I have never been to Honduras, El Salvador, or Guatemala, but I can still empathize with their plight.  All I can say is this - Rather than being hated and feared, these women should be admired for their determination to risk everything for uncertain results - characteristics of a good mother, one who loves her children fiercely and uncompromisingly.  What trauma for babies to lose that sense of love and peace by being separated from their mothers in this manner.  

Regarding the less than 2% coming in from Mexico. First, I must tell you that you cannot fully  understand unless you have seen it and lived it, yourself. 

Women, children and families living and working in the dump (La Familia de Basura).  By "work", I mean going out after the trash trucks have left at night; trudging thru filth, stench, and maggots. They open every garbage bag they can get their hands on, in search of food for their children.  Next, they gather up as much cardboard as one person can carry.  In the morning, one of the women in the home will take a 1 hour bus ride to the recycling facility to sell their cardboard for about 30 pesos (approximately $4.20 u.s.),  the roundtrip bus ticket takes 14 of those pesos. 

These women endanger their lives every single night by going out into the dump. Besides the obvious health hazards, there are men (vultures) waiting in the shadows. They are raped, which often produces more children.  They are beaten. Many are kidnapped and sold into prostitution.  Others are raped, beaten and then killed!  Children are abandoned, often thru no choice of the Mother. Yet, they take the chance every single night because it is their "job."

They live in squatter's huts; separated from the actual dump, by a small creek of open sewage. Their houses are built from pallets, plastic sheets, broken blocks, cardboard, and whatever else they can find. They use the creek as their outhouse. They share a common water pump. They build kitchens out of rocks and metal grates.  Their huts are built on the side of the hill, on the western slope of the dump. They sleep on the ground or on wooden pallets. When monsoon season comes, they wake up knee deep in mud and many find that their "home" has washed away - back into the dump.

They have no education, many were abandoned there as children, they don't ask for help and they don't expect it. Their eyes are hollow and full of fear. I have never seen eyes without hope until May, 2017 - and it broke my heart. 

No, you definitely don't get a clear picture until you witness for yourself. Children eating food, covered in maggots. Children crying for mothers that didn't make it home this morning. Mother's quietly covering their bruises and wiping blood from the beating they received at "work" last night. Very YOUNG grandmothers wringing their hands, watching with worry for the daughter that didn't make it home last night. 

I have a clear picture. So, before making, agreeing with, or defending the crude, inconsiderate, insensitive, and graceless statement that it is the Mother's fault, I challenge you:  look at these pictures I have posted; this is a real family.  Do some research, think with your heart, have some compassion.  (Better yet - I will go with you  to see for yourself)  These children were already in danger and a mother will do anything to try and protect her young, even if it means... crossing the border illegally.

"Cursed is the man who withholds justice from the alien (foreigner), the fatherless or the widow.    Then all the people shall say, "Amen!"   - Deuteronomy 27:19

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them."   - Matthew 5:17

Freedom: voluntary; without restraint; without cost; to set at liberty.

I didn't personally know or understand the true definition of the word Freedom until the last 3 or 4 years. I came to realize I didn't know what the word meant because I was in bondage (subjection to servitude, oppression, enslavement):

- Bondage to memories that haunted and tormented my mind. Memories of things no child should have to endure.

- Bondage to an abusive marriage. Persuaded to believe that I was not a good Christian if I left.

- Bondage to a chronic and debilitating illness. Convinced it was my cross to bear; the thorn in my side, if you will.

Believing that I was paying my dues. Surmising that joy was not mine to be had. Certainly, I didn't "deserve" it.

How wrong I was! Glory, Hallelujah!

I have been liberated! I am set free! And, my sister's in Christ; So. Are. You.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke  of slavery." Galatians 5:1

You no longer have to bow down to any slave master; doing any dirty, disgusting deed he demands of you. You are set free. Stand up for yourself. You have been given the "right" to defend yourself.

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."  Ephesians 1:4-6

Adopted children have the same rights and privileges as biological children. Our "adoption" is our freedom from oppression and enslavement and has granted us the right to live holy and blessed.

"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise." Galatians 3:26-29

All Christians are the same to God. Once you have accepted Christ as your saviour; you are "adopted" into His family. You are now a direct descendant of Abraham. An heir to his (last will & testament) to ALL that the Lord promised to him!

The promise is yours, receive it. The blessing is yours, accept it . Freedom is yours, LIVE IT!

"for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith."  1 John 5:4

When I think of or see a bulldog, there are 3 characteristics that immediately come to my mind:

1. Stamina: ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort (endurance).

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

2. Strength: capacity for endurance, power to resist force, a strong attribute or inherent asset.

"She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at days to come." Proverbs 31:25

Side note: another attribute I perceive in bulldogs is they look very dignified. (Dignity: the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect).

3. Persistence: firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action, in spite of difficulty or opposition. 

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. " 1 Corinthians 15:58

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12

You may be asking yourself right now, where is she going with all this about Bulldogs? What in the world do Bulldogs have to do with scripture?!?!?  I promise, this analogy will all come together. My hope is that at least one person gets as excited as I am.  

Let me start by giving you a little background on "how" I came to associate a bulldog with 1 John 5:4.

2 years ago, while at work, I was listening to a podcast of Gloria Copeland and her son-in-law. They were discussing this particular scripture as it pertains to unfaltering faith. What caught my immediate attention was: 

"Bulldog Faith:                                                            Take it!                                                                        Fight for it!                                                                  Don't let go of it!" - Gloria Copeland

I hit the pause button and wrote that down IMMEDIATELY. I cannot begin to explain how much it resonated with me. I went home after work and wrote it down in my Bible along with the Spanish translation.  Wow! In Spanish it sounds even more passionate!

La Fe De Un Perro Tenaz:                                    !Tomala!                                                                    Lucha por Ella!                                                              No la sueltes! 

I have read and re-read that scripture and quote over and over. It speaks to me every time. I have the power to overcome any and every trial and persecution. I have the power thru my faith in Him! And this past year He has shown (proven) it to me. Drawn me a picture, if you will. 

I told my husband, "I thought I had faith before. But after this 7 months on the mission field...Hah! I didn't come close to knowing what faith is or how to rely on it. Now I KNOW I do!"

We faced things I never dreamed of encountering; people, places, principalities and situations that without faith and trust in God, I would never have made it. 

This past week or so, I have felt driven to break down that scripture. Every morning this week, I couldn't wait to grab my coffee, snuggle under a blanket on the couch and study.  I got out my concordance and broke down every word. I looked it up in multiple Bible translations. I prayed over it, I asked for deeper revelation.  

I began with the Strong's Exhaustive Concordance - looking up every word in the scripture. Translating each one back to the original Greek word and writing down the definitions. I have listed the key words and their original Greek word and definitions:

Overcometh: Nikaö (neek-ah-oh) to subdue, conquer, prevail, get the victory.  

- from Nikē (knee-kay) the means of success.

Even: Kai (kahee) also, indeed

Faith: Pistís (pei-stees) persuasion, credence, conviction, truthfulness of God, constancy in profession, assurance, belief.

 - from Pĕithö (pie-though) to convince (by argument true or false), to concilate (by other fair means), to assent (to evidence), to rely (by inward certainty), assurance, trust.

Next I began pouring over different versions of the Bible.  The two I found the most informative, easy to read, "layman's" terms were The Message and Amplified versions:

"Every God-begotten person conquers the world's ways. The conquering power that brings the world to its knees is our faith." 1 John 5:4 (The Message version)

"For everyone born of God is victorious and overcomes the world; and this is the victory that conquered AND overcame the world - our (continuing, persistent) faith (in Jesus the son of God)." 1 John 5:4 (Amplified version)

Finally, after breaking down the words in Greek, reading multiple versions of the Bible, and more prayer; this is how it plays out in my head:              MY persistent belief and trust in God gives me all the strength and stamina needed to be victorious over any and all situations this world can throw at me. Indeed, I will prevail!

Yes, sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I don't understand why He tells me "no." I frequently ask God "why?" There are times I stew over a situation. Does this mean my faith isn't real or that I don't have enough? Absolutely NOT!  It means I am a real, independent, free-thinking person. I am not an android, slave, or clone. I have feelings, thoughts, opinions, the ability to reason, and I have questions. (He knows this; he created us this way. Without independent thought and emotion, we could not have true relationship and communication with Him).

When I struggle, I choose to grab a firmer hold to my faith and dig further into His word. I keep asking questions, praying and reading until I HEAR Him. When I calm down and listen with my spiritual ears, He always tells me what I need to know in order to understand His way and plan for a particular instance in my life. 

"The value of persistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we finally hear Him." - unknown author

I will continue to take hold of Him! I will fight for my faith! I will not let go!

My conclusions to my own questions from Love and Brimstone part one:

I will start by telling you who God is not:  He is not a big, angry, roaring, lightning-rod-throwing bully.  He does not hate and want to punish us.  He does not want us feeling sad, miserable, begging, crying, depressed, condemned, and unworthy.  Yes, He is angry.  BUT!  Not with us.  He is angry with the very real enemy we all face on this earth.  In my experience, so many churches focus on God’s wrath, but don’t put it in perspective.  That wrath is directed at Satan and his followers.  That wrath is toward the principalities and spirits that wreak havoc on His children.  Just because there is evil in this world, does not mean that we cannot focus on enjoying this life.  Don’t focus on the evil (know it is there and be aware of it), but enjoy what you have.  Be grateful for who you are and what you have accomplished and overcome.

The “religious” focus seems to be on “Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.”  1 John 2:15  Let me breakdown or define the word World in this scripture:  The things OF the world (Kopoc – Greek for "order."  Kopoc comere is "elements of disorder") are objects that may become objects of sinful affection, such as wealth or honor.  St. John is not condemning having those things, because there are gifts and blessings from the Lord.  He is condemning the love OF those things.  World here is also speaking of the sinful elements of human life.  We are not to love evil, sin, or other gods. 

Why in the world would anyone want to believe in God and come to Christ if we, as believers, are all shame-faced, sullen, and miserable?  Who, in their right mind, would choose Jesus if He is just a punishing figure?  The answer is – they won’t.

Plain and simple – love God, love His ways, love His children (not their sin), and strive to live as Jesus did. “Whoever does not love, does not know God. Because God is love.” 1 John 4:8  He is love, He is love, He is love!  I can’t say it enough!  We are His children and He loves us.  Do you love your children?  Would you do anything for your children?  Guess what?  So would He.  And more.  His Word says, “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”   Luke 11:11

Now to the question I used to ask myself about being a robot.  That question was based on, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;”  Jeremiah 1:5  And, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  Psalm 139:13

Just because He knows me and knows my thoughts, does not mean I will only do what He says (unfortunately). I am not a robot - He created me with free will.  Without free will, I wouldn't need a Saviour.  Without free will, I wouldn't need Jesus.  Without free will, I wouldn't need a relationship with God. 

“Anyone who chooses to do the will of God will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own.”  John 7:17

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”  2 Peter 3:9

“Human free will is manifested in the fact that, throughout Scripture, God gives us choices and calls on us to choose the way he knows is best.” <reknew.org: Where is Free Will in the Bible? 2014/08>

Choices, we are free to choose.  Everything in life is a choice.  Choices also come with consequences, but we are not free to choose the consequences of our decisions.

I choose to believe in Jesus Christ.  I believe that He came to the earth, robed in flesh.  I believe He died on the cross for my sins.  I believe He arose again on the 3^rd day and took the keys of hell from the devil.  I believe He is coming back for his church (His people, NOT a religion). 

Why do I believe this?  Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am a unique, peculiar, talented, and blessed woman.  Because He showed me that He is real.  I asked and He answered.  I could not deny His answer.  I cannot deny that I know that I know He dwells inside of me.  I feel Him and He speaks to me!  I believe because all of “this” did not just appear from nothing.  The complexity of the universe, the stars, the inner workings of the human body, the belly-laugh of a child, the tide of the ocean, the germination of a seed…that did not come from some random “bang” in the universe.  Someone made it all...that someone is God.

I cannot prove the existence of God to anyone.  All I can do is tell you to ask Him, "If you are real, prove it!"  Just be ready - because HE WILL!  Now, whether you choose to accept the proof is entirely up to you.

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”  Luke 11:10

"Whoever does not love, does not know God. Because God is love." 1 John 4:8

Were you aware of that scripture? For years, I wasn't aware of it. 

I was raised on Hell-fire and brimstone sermons. And waiting for the rapture. I was given the impression; as so many were, that God was this great big, giant "punisher." That I had to be good or He would "Get me." That I needed to be in a constant state of repentance and sorrow. And the only way out was when I either died or Jesus came for His church.  I remember the elders of the church were ALWAYS praying that Jesus would come for His church - TODAY. And that scared, frustrated and upset me.

Number 1, because I didn't think life was all that bad and because I was young and wasn't "done" experiencing life.

Number 2, because I thought I wasn't remorseful enough about life to make it to heaven and I was terrified of hell.

Number 3, because, honestly - I was upset that this "terrible, angry, and punishing" God would strike me dead for having fun, making a mistake, or not praying for Him to come back soon.

I was afraid of God. I wondered about old testament Bible stories. What happened to the God that saved all the animals on the ark? What happened to the God that saved Moses by having his mother put him in a basket in the river (when Pharaoh had ordered that all male babies be slaughtered)? What happened to the God that gave Sarah a baby at the age of 90? What happened to the God that was in the fire with Shadrach, Meshak,  and Abednigo? What happened to the God that split the Red Sea to save the Israelites from Pharaoh's soldiers? What happened to the God that saved Jonah by having a whale swallow him during a storm in the sea?

And I wondered about the things Jesus did while he was alive. If we are all so bad - why did he feed over 10,000 people with 2 fish and 5 loaves? Why did he heal the leper, the blind man, and the woman with the issue of blood? Why did he tell grown ups to become as little children to enter the kingdom of God? (Most grown ups I knew were far from having the mind of a child when it came to God).

What happened to that God? The one that loved people? The one that took care of people? The one that gave people their dreams? Why was he so mad at me/us? Was it because bad people put His son on a cross? (Well, I didn't put him there, I would never hurt anyone like that).

You see, it was quite shocking to go from my Sunday school class, where I was taught all the wonderful things God did for people - to "big church" and hearing how bad we are all and that God was so ANGRY with us all. That no one is worthy to be saved, so we better get on our knees and cry and pray that He comes now and takes us out of our misery. It took me years to get over that fear and frustration. I didn't know how to comprehend God's anger.

I admit, in my late teens and early twenties, I flirted with the idea of atheism. I reasoned that the god I was raised on was too contradictory and therefore; must be a fairy tale. The problem? How did we get here? Where did the earth come from? If there was a big bang - how, who, where did it come from? 

Theory of evolution? - as Steve Harvey said "if we evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?" - and again, WHO created the monkeys?  I searched high and low for answers. Every search led to one answer - there has to be some "being" that created all this. But, if there is really a god, which one? 

Buddha - he didn't make sense to me at all, just a man and no god in the religion per-se.  Hindu - again no explanation of how we got here, just everyone perpetually reappearing thru reincarnation. Shinto - based on Buddhism.  Islam, well I knew VERY little of Allah and what I saw from the Quran was Muhammed, a giant bully that forced people to believe his way or killed them. But, what about the God I was raised on? Didn't he kinda do the same? And, didn't he say he formed us from the start and knew our thoughts before we did? Doesn't that make us like robots?

Questions, questions, and more questions. My search for the real answer was years long. But somehow, I always had this unexplainable hope. I had hope that there was a god that loved me and didn't desire to hurt me. A god that wanted me to express my thoughts and fears, but didn't see me as a "bad" person because I saw good in this world. A god that respected my thoughts and didn't make me think only His thoughts. A god that wanted me to be unique.

By this point; as you can see, I no longer flirted with the idea of atheism. I knew that something or someone created all of this. The possibility of just nothing...wasn't even a possibility.

I will discuss my conclusion to these questions in part 2.

"Only by giving are you able to receive more than you already have." - Jim Rohn

No matter where you are in your walk, I am here to tell you that YOU ARE ABLE to accomplish any and every thing that the Lord has laid on your heart to do.  The secret is in your faith. You never know exactly how faithful you are - until faith is ALL you have. And those are the days the He picks you up and carries you.

The mission field is hard, harder than I ever could have possibly imagined. Emotionally, physically and financially. You see the need and it breaks your heart. You serve the need and it breaks your back. You give to the need and it breaks your wallet. But you do it anyway, and with JOY.

The need is so big that you feel you are only a drop in the bucket. You don't have an actual "starting" point, so you pray for direction and the Lord guides you to a point of contact.  A colonia full of kids, just roaming the streets; some are hungry, some want a friend, some want to learn, some are in search of discipline, and some...just want a hug. Those are the ones, those kids that just want someone to love them; they become your heartbeat. Then the Lord guides you to a place called "la familia de basura" (families of the dump); yes, they live and eat in the dump. Children with distended bellies and dark circles around their eyes; crying for the oranges you have in the truck. Mothers with haggard faces and tear stained eyes because they didn't find anything to feed their children for the last 2 days. Those are the ones, those mothers and their children trapped in a life of poverty; they become your second heartbeat.

You live in this poverty stricken area with them, you sweat in your apartment, you sweat outside, you sweat and you live their life. You don't go to a 5 star hotel and live the good life after doing good deeds for the day. You live life with them. 

Your door is always open, you feed your own groceries to the hungry, you color with the children on the sidewalk, you play in the rain with all the children, you hug the little girl that has lice so big you can see them across the room, you help an elderly man dig up his sewer line and replace it, you buy chicklets from an elderly lady with no other income, you help a neighbor with an injured child get back and forth to doctor appointments, you go to grocery stores and ask or bribe the guys at the back door for the discarded food to feed the hungry, you clean up trash in the street of your colonia, you teach English to children that are hungry to escape a life of poverty, you take 10 kids for a ride in the air conditioned car, give 60 kids their very own set of markers or colored pencils, take 2 kids to a grocery store the first time in their 9 year old lives,  you clean and bandage cuts and scrapes, you take a whole family for an outing to the beach, and you just "be there" for those that need a hug or a shoulder. 

You don't want anything. You don't expect anything. You only want to love them, even the ones that give you lice.

One day you find yourself down to 7.5 pesos (.42 cents) and no idea how or where you will come up with money to pay rent, put gas in the car, or feed your own dog. All you know is that you HAVE to make your daily trip to pick up donated food behind the grocery store and take it to the family in the dump that you have adopted. They are depending on you. You hit your knees and you cry out to God. And somehow, the wifi signal lights up on your phone (a phone that is not even in service anymore) and you receive a message from someone who would like to send an offering to help out. 

Praise God! He ALWAYS makes a way where there is NO WAY!

This - this is why I say "you are able." Because you must latch on to faith, BELIEVE the impossible! He called you, He is faithful and just to deliver you. When fear and doubt creep in, cry out! Hang onto your faith with everything you got! Hang on by your fingernails if you have to. 

You are able. And when you are so emotionally, physically and financially drained - He will carry you. Just. Don't. Let. Go.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6