So I have been re-examining my life. I have come a LONG way in recent months.
I feel better than I have in years. I now know what joy is (it is not just happiness) - it is a security you feel all the way to your bones. I have reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I have become a much calmer and patient person (yes! I said "patient"). I am more able to let things go that are not mine to handle. And ask for help when I need it.
I have come to realize that my past is my past for a reason. And it is just that - the past. It is my testimony and I should use it to help others. I am no longer ashamed. It was what it was and now it is an excellent tool box from which to draw strengths to share with others.
My walk with God is AMAZING - I have been a Christian for years, but somehow I never felt the calm and joy in my soul that I have now.
Having said all of that - I realized that I have let my "guard" (for lack of a better word) down lately. I have let a few of those bad habits and thoughts and people creep back into my mind. I haven't outwardly acted on it, but it has affected me.
I have been feeling sick both physically and emotionally. All because I have allowed the opinions of others to creep into my mind and because the constant barrage of drama (that used to be my life) is trying to jump back FULL FLEDGED into my life.
In my past, I was so opinionated and angry that I screamed about everything, but still layed down to be a door mat. I have noticed the opposite extreme. I don't scream and freak out, but I have still managed to be a door mat. I manage to let the problems and negativity of others to walk right over my feelings and don't say a word. (I have just been telling myself "it's ok, at least you aren't angry and screaming your head off") - well that isn't good either.
I wasn't created to be a doormat. I am a woman of God and just because I am compassionate does not equate that I can never voice my opinions, problems, hurt feelings, needs and desires.
If my feelings, goals, desires and needs are not important to the people I surround myself with. Then maybe I am still in the habit of surrounding myself with the wrong people. And that is no one's fault but my own. I have to learn to quit worrying about someone being upset with me.
I am who I am. And I have to let the stress go from my life - it is the BIGGEST trigger to a flare. And I have managed to stave off flares for months now.
I deserve love, acceptance, friendship, respect, truth and honesty. Even if others disagree with my beliefs or opinions - the world will not come to an end if I give voice to such. However; if I continue to be the doormat "drama queen" - it hurts me in the end. I get sicker and end up in bed and in horrific pain for weeks on end. I refuse to go there.
The time for games is over and I accept my part in having played them.