For the sake of this article and this ministry, I will refer to the woman as the victim of emotional and psychological abuse.  Although women are also great manipulators, (statistically) women are less likely to be narcissistic abusers of men in intimate relationships.

“Now the serpent was more cunning than any other beast of the field which the Lord God had made.  And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said,’You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.” Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die, for God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:1-5

In order to understand this study, we must first look at a couple of definitions:

MANIPULATE:  to control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.  Manipulation is the exercise of harmful influence over others - to attack another’s mental and emotional sides to get what you want.  The manipulator seeks to create an imbalance of power. This is accomplished thru exploiting the victim’s weakness and stroking their pride.

• It is a type of lying.

• Speaking falsely (in ½ truths) for the purpose of deception.

• In order to deceive someone into thinking and/or behaving in a certain way.

GASLIGHTING:  a form of emotional and psychological abuse designed to gain control over the victim.  The tone of the abuser alternates between concerned & kind, to angry & abusive.  The victim is slowly programmed to distrust her own judgment, perception, and sanity.  The goal of the abuser is to bring his victim to the point of depending on him to define her reality.

Gaslighting has 3 main components:

1. Convincing the victim that the abuse she suffers is her fault.

2. Convincing the victim that she did not experience what she thinks she did.

3. Separating the victim from those who support her.

In Genesis 3:1-5, Satan prompts Eve to question what she heard God say about the tree of knowledge, and asserts that her account is incorrect.  Satan caused her to doubt what she knew was true. He spoke ½ truths to her and appealed to her desire for wisdom, ultimately deceiving her into disobeying God.

The Bible tells us that Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44), and that he masquerades as the angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14). We (women) are also given a strong warning regarding manipulators and gaslighters creeping into our own lives.  2 Timothy 3:6 says, “For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts,” (NKJV)

I am in no way saying that women who are victims of this abuse are ignorant, unintelligent, uneducated, or sniveling idiots.  In MOST cases, it is quite the opposite.  Statistically speaking, narcissistic abusers seek out the smartest women in the bunch, however; they have an ulterior motive.  They begin with flattery, “sympathy,” and then love-bombing.  They appeal to our sensitive and humorous side.  Beginning, most generally with our sense of humor.  And then worming their way into our sensitive side.  Once they gain our confidence, they can begin their “investigation” into our past hurts, traumas, and problems.  Quickly snagging us by expressing sympathy through telling their own traumatic “stories,” pulling us into their web of deception.  And now, the hook is set.

For the sake of Christianity in marriage/dating relationships, narcissists will often use Ephesians 5:22 over their wives.  Submit, submit, submit.  “I am the king of this household.”  The problem is that there are some key verses here that they conveniently leave out.  Back up to verse 21 where it says to submit to “ONE ANOTHER” in the fear of God.  Spring forward to verse 25 where he is told to love us much as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.  Is this narcissistic, manipulative, gaslighter willing to die for us?  Absolutely not!  Granted, if you leave them, they will most likely “threaten” suicide…it’s part of the game, don’t fall for it.

I am not just giving you statistics here, I have learned this by experience.  I have been that woman. I was that woman throughout more relationships than I care to admit, the last being over two decades.  Also, I am not claiming complete innocence in those relationships/marriages.  I was not the nicest person to be around.  I was mentally ill and emotionally unstable due to childhood trauma.  I could hold it together in front of a crowd, but with those I trusted, I had many meltdowns, angry, raging outbursts, and emotional shut downs.  I believe the reason I became a victim of this abuse was due to my incessant need to be loved by a man and my eagerness to disclose my painful history in an effort to be loved by any man that listened to my story.  That eagerness led me to let down my guard, give trust to those who hadn’t earned it, and ultimately imprison myself in my own head.

Thank GOD, I came out of it with a much better understanding of Matthew 10:16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves.  Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.”  It means don’t be taken advantage of and don’t be a manipulator.

If you are in a relationship that is abusive in any way, I will not say, “just leave.” or “Run! Now.” I know that that is impossible at the moment you are discovering that you are, in fact, abused. Mental and emotional abuse are tricky situations because you have been systematically programmed to believe that you “don’t know what you are talking about.” It has only been recognized by Domestic Violence organizations in the last 15 or so years.  I say this because, about 10 years into my last marriage, I went to a domestic violence shelter in search of help.  When I spoke with the counselor, she said, “well, he doesn’t hit you so you don’t have to believe things he says about you that aren’t true.  If it’s that bad, just leave.”  It took another 10+ years for me to open my eyes and SEE that, “Yes! This IS abuse and I am being abused.”

My advice to any woman who is realizing that she is a victim of this type of abuse is:

1. PRAY!  Ask God to give you confirmation and scripture to help you hang on and depend on Him to get you out.

2. Look for any little miracles around you.  See them with your spiritual eyes and appreciate them and thank God for showing them to you.  Mine was in the spring, I would sit and watch my hibiscus open in the mornings.

3. Begin to look for beauty within yourself.  Find something physical about you that you absolutely wouldn’t change if you had all the money in the world for plastic surgery.  Mine was my eyes; I love the color of my eyes.  They are blue, but not just any ordinary blue, they are almost navy, with tiny little specks of greenish brown.  I would think to myself, “I have the perfect combination of my parent’s eyes.” My Dad’s were sky blue and my Mom’s are hazel.

4. Compliment yourself for even the smallest of accomplishments.  By the end of my last marriage, I was barely able to get out of bed - I was sleeping 18 to 20 hours a day. (partly because I had a chronic illness, but mostly I was shutting down due to depression and mental exhaustion).  My compliments to myself started with the simple act of getting out of bed and making it.  Gradually I began to compliment myself on the way I fixed my hair, trying a new or made up recipe that I thought was delicious, or just getting through an hour without doubting myself.  

5. Do something for you. Preferably something that has ZERO to do with your abuser or that he knows nothing about.  I am not saying to be a liar or manipulative.  I am saying carve out 15 minutes a day or even every other day to: read a book, watch a silly sitcom, paint your toenails, sit in a bath, scream in the shower, day dream, search out scripture.  Something you can do with … JUST YOU and even better if you can bring God along.

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 

What does Deuteronomy 31:8 mean for you, my sister?  It means:  God is with you.  He goes before you. He won’t stop fighting for you. Don’t be scared, the God of all creation is in your corner. Be encouraged!

A fitful night of sleep.  Just what the enemy wanted. 

I am in no mood for this.  I am angry and I am tired.  It's time to go to battle.  It's time to stand up against the onslaught of the enemy.  Today is the day.  I cannot put it off any longer.  I saw it coming, and I didn't "get serious" about it.  Well, now he thinks I'm lazy.  He has decided to put lies in my head, telling me that I let myself and others down, that I am not as good a Christian as I lead people to believe, that I am not good enough, and that I am not strong enough to stand and fight.  LIES!  ALL LIES!

I am exactly that good Christian woman, no, not perfect; but I am good enough for God.  I am good enough to love and be loved.  I am strong enough to admit my weaknesses, and have faith enough to believe that God will put the strength in me that I need to overcome those weaknesses.  I am strong enough to get on my knees and GO TO WAR!

I am not afraid, "I shall not fear, for it is the Lord my God who fights for me." Deuteronomy 3:22 (personalized)

"I will be strong and bold; I have no fear or dread of them, because it is the Lord my God who goes with me; He will not fail me or forsake me."  Deuteronomy 31:6 (personalized)

"So I will not fear, for He is with me; I will not be dismayed, for He is MY God.  He will strengthen me and help me; He will uphold me with His righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10 (personalized)

"He will cover me with his pinions, and under His wings I will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler.  I will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day."  Psalm 91:4-5 (personalized)

All of these promises to overcome fear and promises that the Lord WILL indeed take care of us and fight for us are in the Word.  They are promises to us, His children.  Why did I let the enemy creep into my sleep last night?  Because I neglected to remind myself of the Word before going to sleep.  I neglected to give my anxieties and righteous indignation over to Him in prayer.  He cannot fight for me if I don't allow Him to.  

I need rest.  I need good dreams.  I need Him to help me.  I'm ready now.  

Father, I ask you to come into the situation.  I give to you what is yours and I accept what is mine.  The enemy is attacking precious people that I love.  I come to you on their behalf.  I plead the blood of Jesus over them.  Protect them, strengthen them, guard them, uphold them.  I pray you send your warring angels on their behalf to fight off this attack.  Guard their hearts, minds, and bodies.  Fill them with your love and promises. I rebuke the spirit of addiction.  I rebuke the spirit of self-destruction.  I rebuke the spirits and principalities of confusion, lies, destruction, condemnation, physical and mental illness, and depression.  Satan!  By the power given to me by Jesus Christ, I say, you are nothing but a defeated liar and I command you to GET OUT!  You may have whispered lies that were believed for a moment, but the lies are in the open now and you are cast down.  And I give all glory and honor for that to my Lord and Saviour, who is worthy to be praised.  Thank you Jesus for kicking me into gear this morning.  Thank you for giving me guidance and and grit to stand up to this attack.  I praise you and I glorify you and only you.  Without you, I can do nothing.  Spiritual warfare is real and I am so glad that I don't have to face this alone.  I am relieved that you will wage the war and hold me up, even when my body becomes tired and feel I can't take another step - I don't have to do it alone for you are with me.  I am on my knees, fighting.  With You, my Lord - my rear guard.  Thank you and all glory and honor to you.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

I don't have any living biological children, but I have plenty waiting to meet me in heaven. That use to sadden me to the core.  I wept and pleaded with God for children.  I have an old prayer journal that was devoted solely to praying for children of my own.  

This is what is helpful about journaling:  I read the phrase, "of my own" and think to myself, Really?!  I didn't recognize how selfish that prayer was.  I was unappreciative of the gifts that were right in front of me the whole time.  I realize how far I have come, how my faith has grown.

My spiritual eyes are open; He answered that prayer long ago.  God has given me so many children in my lifetime, more than most women will ever have.  He gave me some of those children for a very short season, and I don't know anything about them now.  But I have faith that somehow they remember that silly girl or silly woman and know that she loved them deeply.  Others, God gave me for a number of seasons.  Each of them was loved and cared for with my whole heart.  Two were given to me for what I hoped was a lifetime and they will always have my heart.

In the last year, God has brought me three more "children."  They are grown women, but God has shown me that they are my spiritual daughters.  I pray that their season as my children will last a lifetime.  This I know - even if this season doesn't last a lifetime, I am determined to pour as much love into them as He has poured into me, His adopted child.  The enormity of this position in their lives could be daunting...BUT GOD...He gives me the words, the prayers, the thoughts, and the guidance to meet the challenge.  I have made mistakes already, but that just goes with the territory of being a parent.  I ask for His help and I seek my husband and Mom for advice frequently.  I am grateful to my husband and my Mom for always welcoming my newest adoptees; they know my heart and I know theirs - all are full of love for each in need of a family.

These girls are each wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, strong willed, and worthy of all the love God and I can show and give them.  They each have a struggle similar to the other, and they each have a different root to their struggle.  Though they have one particular struggle in common, the three are different as night and day.  Each posing her own challenges, which keeps me praying and seeking God:

One, I have known for close to 30 years, although I hadn't seen in 10.  She was friends with my girls growing up and spent a number of week ends in my house.  Both of her parents have already gone on to be with the Lord - I cannot imagine not having my mom around to run to and I am 53!  She is done playing games with her life, is determined to be a better mom to her own almost-grown daughter, and is hungry to learn the Word and grow a closer relationship to God.  She calls me Mama and introduces me as such.  That gives me all the feels, because she truly means it.  My prayer is to live up to the name.

Two, walked away from a life that would make soap operas cringe.  She has recently restored a relationship with her father that no one thought would ever be possible.  She has made amends with a man that truly adores and loves her and whom she greatly wronged in the past.  She recently made a decision that demonstrated one of the most selfless acts of love that any mother could ever give.  She works hard to share what God has done for her and show His love to others, while dealing with her own emotional trauma.  This lady has a call on her life and I am inspired by watching her grow.  My prayer is to be her biggest cheerleader.

Three, where do I start with three?  So young, hurt, and broken.  Deserving of being truly loved and accepted.  Learning to let down her guard and trust.  Finding her worth, because she is worthy of all the beautiful things that God has for her.  I could easily spoil her, but that is not why she was brought to me.  I was recently made aware that I was slipping into my old enabling ways and had to nip it in the bud (so to speak).  She and I are learning from each other.  I am using what I learned from past mistakes with one of my other daughters.  She is teaching me to stand up for myself again.  She is my onion - every layer different than the last.  Each layer a new and promising challenge.  My prayer is to see her truly become the beauty inside her heart.

And with that I say - Thank you Jesus for showing me that I DO have children of my own.  I am a girl mom.

,

"Cause me to hear your loving kindness in the morning.  For in you do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you."  Psalm 143:8

I can't say that I have ever paid much attention to this passage of scripture, but now that I have seen it - I won't forget it.  I have heard many preachers, pastors, and teachers say, "wake up everyday and thank God for His blessings, name the things you are grateful for."  While this is wonderful advice and also a great way to start the day; I believe that asking to HEAR from the Lord, is even BETTER!

Asking God to tell you He loves you.  Asking Him to show you His kindness.  Giving your soul (will) over to Him first thing in the morning and trusting Him to guide your steps.  Wow!  Imagine if just half the people you knew would do this - how much better would this world be?!?!?  Instead of running off a list of "things" and "stuff" that God has done for you, start the day by asking Him to just love you and then trusting Him to show you His kindness by guiding your steps, thoughts and emotions.

I know me.  The truth is, I have a constant battle within me to watch my mouth and keep a check on my attitude.  Quite frankly, I suffer from frequent, angry outbursts.  Most of the time, it isn't pretty.  I hurt people, I hurt myself, and I hurt my walk.  The last thing I ever want to do is hurt people.  I love people.  People are my people.  

I don't believe in New Years resolutions because they don't usually "stick" and/or they get boring.  But, I believe this is one thing I can do and look forward to each morning.  I already start each day by reading a daily scripture and then devotions.  Why not add asking Him to cause me to hear His loving kindness and surrendering my will over to His?  

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage."  Galatians 5:1

I will begin this article with a quick study of the words Bondage and Yoke from the scripture above.  I will start with the Webster's dictionary definitions and move on to the Strong's Concordance (King James Version) Greek meanings.

Bondage:  the tenure or service of a slave.  A state of being bound (usually by compulsion).  A captive.  Servitude or subjugation to a controlling person or force.

Strong's Concordance Greek 1397:  Doo-li-ah.  Slavery, to be a slave.  From 1401:  Doo-los.  A state of subserviency.

*Subservient = less important.

Yoke:  to become joined or linked to.  As in, a soul tie.

Strong's Concordance Greek 2218:  Zugos.  Servitude as in a law or obligation.  A coupling.

*Soul Tie = often the ramifications of having partners that you create a lifelong bond with thru a sexual encounter(s), but with whom you only have a short-term relationship with.  The bond remains long after that relationship/encounter is over, leaving you longing for wholeness.

"soul ties between married couples draw them together like magnets, while soul ties between fornicators can draw a beaten and abused woman to the man which in the natural realm she would hate and run from, but instead she runs to him even though he doesn't lover her."  [greatbiblestudy.com.  Basic Introduction to Soul Ties | What a Soul Tie Is]

So many Christian (and non Christian) women do not value themselves as holy, beautiful, works of God.  We tend to downplay our strengths, morals, and convictions.  We give in to passion and things of this world in order to "feel" loved.  We let passion override conviction; which, in turn Satan uses to condemn us in our minds.

Many, many, MANY women have been used and abused so much that we lack the simple ability to say, "no."  I see my old self in so many women - looking for love in all the wrong places (yes, I totally went there, the corny song cliche').  Hanging my self-worth on the ability to catch and keep a man.  I truly believed that sex equaled love and so, I freely gave it away.  Only to have my heart smashed to bits over and over again.  Sex only snagged them, it never set the hook.  I didn't understand what self-worth or self-respect was.  I didn't see myself as worthy of the love that comes from God.  I couldn't grasp that there is a substantial reason that the Word says, "And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5:24)

I took two molestation situations that happened when I was young and used them to justify my behavior.  I was guilt ridden, only I didn't know that at the time.  In my mind, these 2 men did what they did because it felt good and they said they loved me - so, it was my fault for being lovable.  I continued being "lovable" and trying to be loved.

I always thought the the only addictions that I had were cigarettes and emotional eating.  I just (this very moment) realized that I had a dangerous addiction: men.  By that I mean, men that were not good for or to me.  Not that I am some kind of angel, or that every single moment of every relationship I have been in was horrific.  But I wanted love so badly that I stuck around for anyone that gave me the time of day, no matter what time that was.  No matter how badly I was treated or talked to, I stayed and eventually believed every lie that was dished out to me.

At the age of 45, I finally began to see the bondage I had put myself in by that mindset.  I began searching for a love within and for myself.  At the age of 46, the Lord opened a door for me to walk out of my past and into His plan for me.  The plan He had prepared for me all along.  I began studying myself and my life.  I opened my eyes and my heart to learn His truth for and about me.  I started declaring scriptures and quotes about strength and self-respect over myself on a daily basis.  I didn't believe a lot of them, but I was driven by faith and hope that those promises really were for me.  Slowly, I started breaking the yokes of bondage that I and others had placed on me. 

Three days before my 47th birthday, God arranged an "introduction" to the man that would love, honor, and cherish me for the rest of my life.  This man challenged me and everything I thought I knew about myself.  He pushed me to dig deep and keep going even when I wanted to give up and forget everything I had been thru.  Because I wasn't divorced yet, this guy refused to meet me in person.  Even after my divorce was filed and final, he STILL refused to meet me in person.  I was so frustrated. BUT GOD - was using this time to teach me 3 very important lessons:  patience, loving myself, and friendship with a man (no "strings" attached).  Seven months after our initial introduction, we met in person.  And I have learned how to be truly loved by a man.

Have we done everything right?  Of course not. Do I sometimes slip back into old thought processes and patterns?  Yes.  Do those soul ties still creep up on me out of the blue?  Yes.  Have those soul ties caused problems in our relationship?  Yes.  Do we keep going and keep trying and keep honoring our vows?  Emphatically, YES!

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."  Galatians 2:20

I recently met a young woman - she is physically beautiful with deepest brown eyes I have ever seen.  A tiny whip of a thing.  She has a sweetness about her and an innocent look that in my imagination could capture the heart of any man she set her sights on.  She is funny, smart, and yes, manipulative.  She is trying desperately to be a grown up to those who decide what "grown up" looks like.  Under that whit, beauty, and innocence also lies a look of pain so deep that you can see her soul crying.  You see, this young woman (I have to force myself not to use the term "girl"), has seen and been through more than most.  She has been through abandonment and abuse.  Those eyes hold so much fear, distrust, and a longing to love and be loved.

Slowly, I have learned part of her story - the parts that she has allowed.  I see her sizing me up.  I see her questioning herself, "can I trust this woman with my secrets?  Will this woman judge me?  Will she think I am lying?  Will she care?"  

She is beautiful, she is lovely, she is frustrating, she is smart, and... she is so very broken.  That's all I can say about the young woman I recently met.  Is it all I know?  No.  Is it all you need to know?  Yes.

I knew a girl that held many similar secrets.  Abused by men, starting at the age of 4.  Abandonment by men, started before birth.  Funny and smart, she had to be in order to hide truth and pain.  Manipulative, of course!  It's a survival skill.  Distrustful - you would be too.  Broken; in a million pieces a million different ways.

I knew a girl that would trust a stranger over a trustworthy person every single time.  That girl had been "taught" that so-called trustworthy men would be the first to take advantage and therefore, were never to be trusted. 

I knew a girl that was scared and angry.  Scared of her own self, her own thoughts, her own emotions.  Angry at herself for being afraid, for being trapped in her head, for being forced into a "make believe" world, at those who hurt her. Angry at the world.

This girl grew up to be young woman I recently met.  She reached out to the wrong people, shared her story with the wrong people - people who used those memories as weapons to manipulate and gaslight her.  She reached out because she was desperate to love and be loved.  

I knew a girl that became the woman I am now.  Strong in my faith that God has taken those things that were meant to destroy me and made them into a blessing.  A testimony, a platform, a ministry to reach out to those girls that she was.  God gave me the strength to overcome that which was seeking to devour me from the inside out.  He walked with me through the storm, carried me when I couldn't drag myself, and set me upon the rock of His eternal love and protection.  

It is upon this rock that I stand for those who are abused, neglected, broken, and lost. All because....I knew a girl.  

That we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head – Christ -  Ephesians 4:14,15 (emphasis mine)

I am the classic people pleaser, the I-don't-want-to-make-anyone-mad-at-me, the I would rather be hurt than hurt someone else. Don't get me wrong; when I have had enough, I will eventually “blow up.” Then I feel bad because I lost my temper AND hurt someone's feelings. Face it. I am an enabler.

Am I OK with that? No. I am not OK, because being an enabler makes me physically and mentally ill. I get knots in my stomach, my thoughts go racing all over the place, I can't concentrate, and I am constantly questioning myself. I can decide “OK, it's time to speak up.” and five minutes later begin the inner argument of why I shouldn't and 99.99999% of the time I back down and say nothing; or worse, act passive/aggressively. It's called a back bone, and mine has been minute for most of my adult life.

Do I like this part of me? No. I don't like it because it doesn't reflect the faith, hope and trust in God that is truly inside me. It doesn't help anyone, and it hinders my ability to minister to the ones God has called me to minister to – the whole reason that HopeNtheWord was created. He has shown me that I have got to get serious and do what it takes to overcome this part of me. I have to learn and grow in my ability to love people in TRUTH. That I can still be a loving, caring, empathetic, and sympathetic person while speaking truth to those who need to hear it.

I have decided to make strides to seriously remember and apply the quote, “what you tolerate is how you will be treated. What you allow is what will continue.” I have to find the balance between being a rug and dropping (what my husband calls) bombs.  In my attempt to understand and apply Ephesians 4:15 to my life, I have been studying, reading, and praying for revelation and how-to's. In my reading, I came across an article that I found most helpful in my personal endeavor. The following are a few exerts from the article:

“We have become a culture of tolerance.”

“Since discrepancies about right/wrong and good/bad exist, it sometimes becomes necessary to confront someone with a truth that may be uncomfortable.”

“How much more dangerous to convince (or agree with) someone that they are innocent, or good enough, in God's eyes when in reality they are guilty and deserving of His judgment?”

“Let them know they are not hopeless...God forgives, gives understanding, and empowers us to live in His ways.”

{Robert Driskell; Speaking Truth in Love: 7 Helpful Tips; Christianswanttoknow.com; 10/5/2012}

There is something to that old saying, “the truth hurts.” When we confront someone with truth, they may get angry, upset, or completely cut us out of their life. We made them uncomfortable and we in turn feel pain for hurting them. Many of us have chosen to avoid that pain and therefore, propitiate tolerance of their wrong doing. They get-away with it. And each time we avoid that uncomfortable pain, we teach them that what they are doing is OK. This is tolerance. The problem with tolerance is that it worries more what people think than what God thinks.

A prime example of this in the book of 1 Kings. King Saul was a people pleaser. When confronted by Samuel for not doing exactly what God told him to do, he said he did, but the people wanted to save the best and he couldn't risk losing any of his army. David on the other hand, was a God pleaser. When confronted by Nathan for having Bathsheba's husband murdered, David admitted what he had done, blamed only himself, and fell on his face before God in repentance. David still suffered the consequences of his actions, but he was accountable and he was forgiven. Personally, I plan to go to heaven. In order to do so, I must quit being a Saul and stand up and be a David.

This applies to confronting someone with truth regarding their personal life. More importantly; it applies when confronting someone when it comes to the Word. Whether it be misinterpreting scripture, adding to or taking from scripture, disobeying scripture, being led astray by someone else misusing scripture, or tolerating abuse of scripture.

“Now this I say lest anyone should deceive you with persuasive words.”

“Beware lest anyone cheat you thru philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.”

Colossians 2:4,8

Ephesians 4:14 warns us not to be childish and follow every person who professes to be Christian. If what they say follows the Word, follow them. If it doesn't follow the Word, don't follow them. Since many words change over time, it is important to be on guard against those who will twist scripture. As I have always told new (and mature) Christians: bring your Bible to church, bring a pen and paper. Look up the scriptures being read and don't just assume that is what is written. Take notes, go home, and CHECK IT! Study and show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15

DISCLAIMER: I am not saying if you find the teaching to be incorrect that you jump up in service and call them out. I am saying if you find the teaching to be in error, go to the person privately and ask them about it. It really could be just an error on their part. We are all human and we make mistakes (even pastors and teachers). If you find it to be an ongoing or habitual thing, it's time to confront them again and then stop following them. Pray first, God will lead you.

“Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them.  For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth word and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.” Romans 16:17,18

In Galatians, Paul is talking to the churches about being freed from the world thru the birth of Jesus Christ, that they were redeemed. They are no longer slaves but sons of God and heirs thru Christ. But after they have known and been known by God, they have stopped living by faith and have become content to works of the law alone. Paul admonishes them to go back to their faith and works together in the freedom and liberty of Christ thru a spirit-led lifestyle. At one time they received him as an angel sent from God, but have started bringing up his past life of persecuting Christians. He rebukes them and reminds them of the forgiveness of God, warns them of mocking God, sewing to their own flesh, doing good while waiting on God. The Galatians are in full rebellion against all they have learned, known, and seen. They are in a mess of lies, deceit and confusion. Paul says, “Have I therefore become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” (4:16)

Before confronting anyone with truth in love, the most important thing is prayer. I have learned I must ask Him for the words to say, for Him to help me control my emotions, and for him to guide my tone. This is all pretty new to me and I do not wish to become enemies with anyone. If I make an enemy by speaking truth, so be it. Ultimately, I answer to Him and I do believe that every thing works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. Whatever happens, I place my hope and trust in Him and His plan and purpose for my life.

#2020vision

Love is an action word; a verb.

Love is:

A gift; freely given.

A heart; beating for others.

A life; lived in grace and mercy. 

A tear; dropped from heaven. 

A man; on a cross.

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life  of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself TO us. Love like that."

Ephesians 5:1-2 The Message Version (bold emphasis, mine)

It's 3:07 am Wednesday morning.  I awake with an insatiable need to read Hebrews chapter 6.  I feel my way around the dark bedroom, gathering my Bible, reading glasses, notebook, and the dog.  I stumble to the kitchen and flip on the coffee maker and fall into a chair in the corner of the living room.  I open my Bible and begin to read.  

Chapter 6 begins by talking about going past the elementary principles of Christ and digging into the “meat” of the Word.  It goes on to say that God does not forget our work and labors of love, and that we should remain diligent in our hope.  God made a promise to Abraham, that because there was no one greater, He swore by Himself to bless and multiply Abraham.  OK, this is all great, but what is it that I need to see at 3 in the morning Lord?  I keep reading.  Actually, I go back to the beginning of chapter 6 and start over, still wondering in my mind “what about this is so important at 3 am?” 

I get to verse 17 and I see a word I am not familiar with.  And there it is again, in verse 18; the word is Immutability/Immutable

"Thus God, determining to show more abundantly to heirs of promise the immutability of His counsel, confirmed it by an oath, that by two immutable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we might have strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us.”  Hebrews 6:17,18 NKJV

Immutability:  “huh?  What does that word even mean?”  I grab my phone and use my Bible app to look that scripture up in the King James Version (my everyday Bible is the New King James version).  It's the same word.  I bust out my concordance and dictionary.

Webster's dictionary defines immutable as not capable or susceptible to change.  Middle English from the Latin “immutabilis” means unable to change.  

The Strong's Concordance Greek dictionary defines immutable and immutability as unchangeable, or unchangeability.

Now my curiosity is at it's peak.  I look up Hebrews 6:17 in yet another version.  The Message version combines verses 16 & 17, it says,  “When people make promises, they guarantee them by appeal to some authority above themselves so that if there is any question that they'll make good on the promise, the authority will back them up. When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee – God can't break his word.  And because his word cannot change, the promise is likewise unchangeable.”  

I begin to look up scriptures that say God cannot lie.  I immediately find four of them.  

Numbers 23:19 “God is not man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent.  Has He said, and will He not do?  Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?”  

1 Samuel 15:29 “And also the Strength of Israel will not lie or relent.  For He is not a man, that He should relent.”  

Titus 1:2 “in the hope of eternal life which God, who cannot lie, promised before time began.” 

And finally, 2 Timothy 2:11-13 “This is a faithful saying:  For if we died with Him, we shall also live with Him.  If we endure, we shall also reign with Him.  If we deny Him, He also will deny us.  If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.”

My mind is now racing with excitement.  This is literally affirming all God's promises made to us!  I am on the edge of the chair just waiting for my husband's alarm to go off.  I can hardly contain myself, I have to tell someone what I just discovered!  The alarm finally goes off, he gets dressed, comes in for his morning coffee and sits down to read morning devotions with me.  I excitedly tell him that I have something different to share today.  I begin reading Hebrews 6:17-18 and ask him if he knows what “immutability” means?  He has no idea.  I begin to show him what I have been studying for the last 2 ½ hours.  He suggests that maybe I should write a blog article on the subject, I agree.  I send him off to work, while I contemplate what angle to approach an article.  

Nothing is working, I can't put it together.  I decide to walk away and just meditate on “immutable” and the scriptures that I have read for a little while; something will come to me (it usually does).  Around 8:30 am, I open my email and see something from FREED magazine.  It is an invitation to contribute an article for the next print edition.  The theme is:  “Fearless:  The Art of Living in Freedom.”  That's it!  Now I know exactly why I was awake at 3:07 am!  God's unchanging promises had nothing to do with a blog article about His promised blessings (although I may still write that article too).  No, this study had everything to do with sharing my testimony of living free from fear. 

Fear is a normal, although unpleasant, emotion.  Fear masquerades under many other titles:  anxiety, worry, strong anticipation, alarm, and apprehension, to name a few.  God knows I have faced fear, and will face it again and again in this life.  He has given me His promises that He will deliver me from or through any situation.  I do not have to live my life in a state of solicitude.  I am exempt from onerous limitations.  He has given me the tools and instructions needed to live free from any fear this life may present.     

You see, the Word says that He will never leave me, nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).  I have no reason to fear what man can do to me (Hebrews 13:5,6).  Jesus says that He gave me peace, that I have no reason to worry or fear (John 14:27).  God will come with a vengeance to save me (Isaiah 35:4).  That He is with me and will hold me up when I cannot walk (Isaiah 41:10).  I can face my enemies because God will give me the words to speak (Jeremiah 1:8).  God loves me with His perfect love, and in it there is no fear (1 John 4:16-18).

I read a quote this morning that spoke volumes to me regarding living free from fear; “We are truly free when we know the truth about ourselves and the world.  This means throwing off the lies and deceptions to which we are so often captive.”  [Dr. Art Lindsley: Seven Implications of the Biblical View of Freedom for Our Lives; 7/14/16: Institute for Faith, Work & Economics; www.tifwe.org]

Fear is based on lies. When fear comes strolling thru the backdoor of my mind all I need is faith, and to BELIEVE that He is with me, and He will not forsake me.  I can draw from my past recollections of the hope that has always been inside of me.  I have faced many terrible situations in my life; but, I can always look back and know who was with me and who got me thru it.  When I acknowledge that it was Him that held onto me, He sent the right people at the right time, then I am able to draw strength from those memories of  hope.  My job is to call out to the one who loves me as no other.  He will hear me, and He will answer me.

That early morning meeting was a “God-wink,”  He knew about the invitation.  He knew what direction the article should be written from.  He knew I needed those wee hours of the morning to be alone with Him to learn what He needed me to know.  He knew I would see the email 5 ½ hours later and I would be brainstorming an article on God's promise that He will be with me no matter what storms may come.  He will deliver me from evil.  He always has and He always will.  

His Word is a living document and His promises never change, they are immutable.

*Update: though this article was not selected for FREED magazine's fall print edition, God's purpose for my early morning Bible study remains...to share His unchanging promise of living in freedom from fear.

I heard a song in church this morning that I had never heard before.  I cannot get the lyrics out of my mind, They speak to me - right. where. I am. in this moment.

"I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies.

I raise a hallelujah, louder than my unbelief.

I raise a hallelujah, fear has lost it's hold on me.

I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee."

Why do these lyrics speak to me?  Because God never promised that we wouldn't have storms in our life.  He never promised us an easy life.  But He DOES promise to walk with us thru the storms.  He does promise a rainbow after the flood.

I do not pretend to be anything that I am not.  I am in the midst of a storm, not just any storm; I am battered and ripped to shreds. I have been in such despair that all I can think about is to go to sleep and never come out of the covers.  Depression so overwhelming that I cannot physically see a single good thing about myself.  Overwrought with grief that attempts to smother the very breath that I need to live.  Satan has been using tactics to attack my mind, my intelligence, my sense of self worth, my overall opinion of myself, and my drive to move forward.  

This isn't the first of these storms I have encountered - always the same.  The enemy knows me too well.

Yes, I am the very person that I try so hard to reach thru this ministry.  Because no matter the storm, no matter the lies that are whispered in my ear - I have a HOPE within me that swells up and demands to be acknowledged. 

For today, I choose to just act on faith.  I will put my faith in front of my thoughts, emotions, and pain.  

"I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm.

Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar!

Up from the ashes, HOPE WILL ARISE.

Death is defeated, the King is alive.

Sing a little louder, heaven comes to fight for me."

If you are in the midst of storm, I encourage you to just raise a hallelujah and sing louder than the enemy's lies.  Though the storms rage and the wind blows, we have THE help in times of trouble.  God meets us in the storm.  

(song credit: Raise a Hallelujah by Bethel Music)

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.  Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.  In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles.  For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.  Taste and see that the Lord is good.  Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!  Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need.  Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing."  Psalm 34:4-10 (New Living Translation)

This was one of the scripture readings in church this morning and it couldn't have come at a better time.  

I am in a real struggle both personally and spiritually;  I was questioning God's call on my life and my ability to "hear" him anymore.  I have been devastated by heartbreak and what seems like failure.  Yesterday, I was ready to quit.  I was angry, sad, discouraged, confused, and afraid.  I prayed myself to sleep last night and woke up this morning even more upset.  

Drinking my coffee on the front porch; I silently asked God, "why are you letting this happen?  Why can't I hear you anymore?  WHERE are you?!?!?!?"  His answer?  "Are you going to keep listening to lies or are you going to get up and go to church and HEAR me thru my Word?"  WHOAH!  I heard THAT loud and clear!  I had 20 minutes to get dressed, throw on my face and be in the church door; I made it in time for the first worship song - 

"You Say" by Lauren Daigle:  "I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough.  Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up.  Am I more that just the sum of every high and every low?  Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh).  You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing.  You say I am strong when I think I am weak.  You say I am held when I am falling short.  When I don't belong, oh you say that I am Yours.  And I believe (oh) I believe.  What you say of me (oh) I believe.  The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me.  In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity."

In my mind I am thinking "how did the praise and worship team know?  How did they possibly come up with THIS song for Mother's Day????"  Well, they didn't "know,"  it was a Godwink moment.  It was His answer to my cries.  It was Psalm 34 versus 4 & 6 coming to life IN and FOR me!  I am not the lies in my mind.  I am His child.  I am loved and I am enough.  

Now, fast forward to the scripture reference:  verse 4 says that I prayed and He answered.  He freed me from ALL my fears.  Verse 6 says that I prayed desperately and He listened.  He saved me from ALL my troubles.  Pay attention!  It does not say that He freed me and saved me from "some," NO!  It says He freed and saved me from ALL my fears and troubles.  ALL of them.    

Verse 5 in the NLT version (referenced above) is absolutely wonderful because it says that if I lean on Him for help that I will be RADIANT with joy!  Take a look at the definition of that word, Radiant:  sending out light; shining or glowing brightly.  A point or object from which light radiates.  Marked by or expressive of love, confidence, or happiness. Isn't that just awesome?!?!?   

Am I still sad and heartbroken?  Yes.  Am I taking time to deal with that?  Yes. Are there going to be good days and ugly crying days? Absolutely. Is this going to be easy? No.  Do I believe that I will be this way from here on? NO!  I don't know how, and I don't know when - but I believe the Word of the Lord.  I cried out, and He heard me!  He will deliver me back to radiant joy. 

He says I am loved.

He says I am strong.

He says I am His.

And I believe.

The Lord laid something on my heart a few days ago and today I see the true meaning of it.

When we are weak, when we are in a storm, when we are confused, when we feel lost, when we can't see His purpose, when we feel utterly depleted and empty...that is where He meets us.  That is where we are called to give the last grain of our mustard seed to others.  That is where we are called to give our last flicker of the flame to light another's world.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  (New International Version)

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  (King James version)

That word, "Understanding"  in Hebrew (bee-naw) means:  Knowledge, meaning, wisdom.  Bee-naw is derived from the Hebrew word "Bene" meaning:  to separate mentally, or distinguish.  To consider, discern, feel, inform, have intelligence of, be prudent, to view wisely.

The word, "Heart" in this scripture in Hebrew (labe) means:  used widely for the feelings, the will, courage (or lack of), and even the intellect.  

The word "direct" in verse 6 in Hebrew (yaw-shar) means:  to be straight or even, to be or cause to make right, pleasant or prosperous.  To be pleasing and upright. To take the straight way.

To paraphrase Proverbs 3:5 & 6, these scriptures are literally saying:  Do not trust your own or other's opinions, ideas or feelings.  We must trust and listen to His guiding.  We must learn to operate in the Spirit.  Go where He says "go."  Walk where He says "walk." Trust where, who, and what He says "trust."  Sure, we can ask for prayer and inspiration from trusted Christian prayer warriors, but go to God FIRST.  Do not rely on feelings, this walk isn't about how we feel; it's about what He has called us to do.  When we learn to give our opinions, feelings and ideas to the mighty One that created us, His word says that he will direct us.  He will guide us, He will protect us, He will make us right, He will prosper our way.  

Titus 1:2 says God does not lie.  Hebrews 6:18 says it is IMPOSSIBLE for God to lie.  Who else can we fully trust to get us through the trials, the confusion and frustration, and the storms of this life?  No one.  His Word says to trust and acknowledge Him, to put away our own reasoning and feelings.  When we do this He WILL guide us, protect us, and prosper us.  The Bible is the inspired Word of God, and God cannot lie - so BELIEVE IT!  When the Word promises us a blessing, it is the plain and simple truth.  

Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice IN our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  

Many have misquoted this scripture to say "rejoice FOR our sufferings."  No.  God does not expect us to be happy that we are experiencing emotional, physical, or spiritual pain.  He says to rejoice as we go "through" the storm.  Why?  Because He is our Hope, He will bring us through victoriously.  He will protect, guide, and prosper us.  

And this is where I came to the conclusion mentioned in the first paragraph of this article.  When we are weak, He gives us strength.  When we are lost, He lights our path.  When we are confused, He comforts our heart. When we are desperate, He hears our cry.  When we share, He gives us more.  Shift your focus from self to others.  When we concentrate on the needs of someone else, our problems tend to diminish.  Like the old saying, "I just thought I had problems..."  You may not have a whole speech to share with a group of people, or a Bible study to share, but a prayer and a kind word for another will do wonders for your own sense of peace.

I challenge you today:  Share a prayer, a scripture, a testimony with someone hurting.  Or - keep it simple:  share a smile, sometimes that's the best encouragement you can give to someone. 

My article “Unmasking the Lie” appeared in FREED magazine, Fall 2018 Deception Breaking Free of the Lies That Bind edition.

“Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction.” Isaiah 38:17a

The deeper I go into studying emotional/verbal abuse, the more my eyes are opened to see what I was blind to during my 27 years of victimization. I am now able to comprehend the red flags that were there all along. I recognize the proverbial blinders I chose to wear until I was so beaten down that I no longer had the strength to remove them. I am in no way insinuating that any victim of abuse is at fault. I am merely stating that through much prayer and study, I know where I deceived myself into believing lie, upon lie, upon lie. I believed the lie to the point of desperation. I believed the liar to the point of losing my self-esteem, my dreams and goals, my friends and a lot of my family. I lived the lie until the Lord began to peel away the scales on my eyes and He began to show me in His Word who He says I am. I stayed in that “prison” until the light was shined on the truth. Once I saw the light, the door to freedom began to open. It took months of preparation, soul searching, prayer, and placing my hope, faith, and trust in Him to lift me out of the situation and not return to it or another like it. When the door was fully open, I ran!

The Lord has given me a ministry to turn my test into a testimony. And made it my mission to shine the light on the truth about emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse.

Most of these abusers are Narcissists and/or Sociopaths. Narcissism is NOT a disease! It is a decision. It is a decision to gain control of their target. They know exactly what they are doing. Narcissistic abuse is a gradual brainwashing and crazy-making of their victim. Therefore, since it is a decision to abuse, you cannot “help” them, “fix” them, “teach” them, or “show” them morals, decency or common courtesy. You cannot love them enough to make them want to change. You cannot placate them in any way. It is impossible to avoid an attack; no matter what you do, say, or don't say – everything is ammunition. All you can do is walk on eggshells and brace yourself – because it is coming.

Make no mistake, the Narcissist targeted you. They established rapport and gained your trust, they led you into sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, and (the worst part) you trusted them enough to share your past. These abusers target people that are already broken in some way; their targets are usually givers, hard workers, have a huge sense of compassion, and (are you ready for this?) are very intelligent. All of these are wonderful attributes and character traits – except in the hands of a Narcissist. The Narcissist/Sociopath remembers everything you shared, earned your trust by sharing “their” story only to begin building a trap for you with details of yours.

All the qualities they loved about you are now weapons in their arsenal. Here are a few examples I remember all too well. The twisting of my good qualities that my abuser used against me:

• Your strive to do better? Selfishness. All the time you spend going to school and studying takes away from your duties at home and you aren't going to use that degree anyway. “Who are you trying to impress, Miss High and Mighty college lady?”

• Your compassion for others? Stupidity. They don't appreciate it and are just using you. You could be at home showing ME some compassion.

• Your friendly nature? Tramp. You just flip your hair and bat your eyes at anyone who looks your way. You don't even know how pathetic you are. You are fat, lazy, frizzy haired, stupid, and no one else wants you.

• Your ability to work longs hours or hold down more than one job? Lazy. You aren't really working. You are hanging around the office with your so-called friends that are lazy like you, or they are single and have nothing else to do but gossip all day and night. You are using it as an excuse to stay away from home so you don't have to take care of the kids and the house.

• Your like-ability? Whatever. They don't like you. You probably told them some cock-a-mamie story about me so they would feel sorry for you. You are such a victim, poor baby.

• Your faith? Hah! You can't even do that right! Hypocrite. Have you ever read, “wives must submit themselves to the husbands, in EVERYTHING?” You don't submit to me on anything! You fight me on everything. If you would just be the Christian you claim to be, we wouldn't have these problems. *Of course he left out the whole scripture, focusing only on what I was supposed to do. Ephesians 5:22-26 ends with, “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...”

• Your friends and family? Losers and man-haters. They all hate me and you listen to them so much. All they do is talk smack about me. And their husbands? Wimps! No wonder we fight all the time, with all their garbage running through your head.

No matter how long or how much you have been targeted by the abuse, it is all a charade. This person has twisted your good qualities into something sinister and/or shameful. The Narcissist has cause you to question your own motives, intelligence, and character. This twisting of words, actions, and qualities has a technical term; it's called “gaslighting” (aka: crazy-making). And again, make no mistake, it is intentional.

Victims of long-term target practice tend to minimize the Narc's behavior. They tell themselves (and others), “I probably said it wrong.” “They're right, sometimes I just don't think.” “I don't know what else to do, I must not be trying hard enough.” And God forbid if someone outside the relationship actually calls you out on this. The immediate response is equally minimizing. “You don't understand him/her, he/she didn't mean it that way.” Or one that I heard recently, “He is just passive-aggressive, it's his way of not having to make a decision.”

Someone I dearly love once said to me, “If you don't respect yourself, how can you possibly expect me to respect you? If you can't even love yourself, how could you ever love anyone else?” That someone was a catalyst to opening my eyes, showing me that even though I was out of the situation, I was still minimizing it.

How can we get our lives back and find purpose and joy in living if we participate in the abuse by minimizing it or making excuses for it. Truth: It's impossible.

Brothers and Sisters I want to tell you who God says YOU and I are:

• You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 129:4)

• You are royalty. “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood...” 1 Peter 2:9a

• You are victorious. “For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:4

• You are the victor not the victim. “The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never the bottom.” Deuteronomy 28:13

• You and your children are protected. “I will contend with those who contend with you, and your children I will save.” Isaiah 49:25b

• You are loved, forever. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

• You are chosen. “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world...” Ephesians 1:4a

• You are strong. “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord is my strength and my song.” Isaiah 12:2

• You are enough, do not be ashamed. “Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other, never again will my people be shamed.” Joel 2:27

• You have a purpose and a future. “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

• You deserve peace. “My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.” Isaiah 32:18

• You are heard. “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a place to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2

• You have hope. “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31 & “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

• You are a new creation. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!” Isaiah 43:18-19a

What will you choose to believe? Lies, slander, and charade? Or the Word. Who will you choose to listen to? The Narcissist, who hunted you down and slew your self-worth? Or God, who has loved you since the beginning of the world.

While you ponder on the questions I posed to you, I have one more thing the Lord says you are:

You are free. “to say to the captives, 'Come out,' and to those in darkness, 'Be Free!'” Isaiah 49:9

I decided to believe the Word. I decided to believe that every single scripture in the Bible is a love letter—from God-- to me! I chose freedom. I chose love. I chose to stand up for myself. I chose to be free. I chose to hear and see the truth. I chose to find me again. I chose to believe my saviour, Jesus Christ.

Regarding the recent situation at our border: There is a particular statement I have seen and heard numerous times this past week, that has me deeply saddened.  The statement is, "It's the Mother's fault, she shouldn't have put her child in danger of being taken from her in the first place!"

I feel very alone in my empathy for these mothers who have had their children ripped from their arms at our border. I am heartbroken over the desperation they must have felt. Anguished over the guilt and sadness they must be suffering now.

What happened to compassion and empathy? 

I am not judging our laws or the processes to determine their fate, but I only ask that they be treated as decently as possible while they are in the United States' custody.  If there is a fault, it is the conditions in their countries.  People only leave their countries, their homes, and their people in desperation.  It stands to reason that if they had a bearable choice, they'd rather live peaceably in their own countries.  That being said; has anyone else thought about what the living conditions must have been like, in order to compel a Mother to take that risk? Traveling with a child or children, often by foot with very little money or food. Some knowing (others not), that they could be turned away or arrested? What must it have been like to live in a world where gambling on crossing illegally is a valid option?

Less than 2% of people crossing our southern border (illegally) are Mexican. The largest percentages are Honduran, Guatemalan, and El Salvadoran and most have the legal right to seek asylum under current U.S. immigration law (Temporary Protected Status program).  Part of the recent mass influx of women from Honduras and El Salvador is due to the dates expiring for applying for asylum (expiration dates have been pushed out 18 and 6 months respectively).  I have heard and read information on the atrocities that go on in those countries. I have never been to Honduras, El Salvador, or Guatemala, but I can still empathize with their plight.  All I can say is this - Rather than being hated and feared, these women should be admired for their determination to risk everything for uncertain results - characteristics of a good mother, one who loves her children fiercely and uncompromisingly.  What trauma for babies to lose that sense of love and peace by being separated from their mothers in this manner.  

Regarding the less than 2% coming in from Mexico. First, I must tell you that you cannot fully  understand unless you have seen it and lived it, yourself. 

Women, children and families living and working in the dump (La Familia de Basura).  By "work", I mean going out after the trash trucks have left at night; trudging thru filth, stench, and maggots. They open every garbage bag they can get their hands on, in search of food for their children.  Next, they gather up as much cardboard as one person can carry.  In the morning, one of the women in the home will take a 1 hour bus ride to the recycling facility to sell their cardboard for about 30 pesos (approximately $4.20 u.s.),  the roundtrip bus ticket takes 14 of those pesos. 

These women endanger their lives every single night by going out into the dump. Besides the obvious health hazards, there are men (vultures) waiting in the shadows. They are raped, which often produces more children.  They are beaten. Many are kidnapped and sold into prostitution.  Others are raped, beaten and then killed!  Children are abandoned, often thru no choice of the Mother. Yet, they take the chance every single night because it is their "job."

They live in squatter's huts; separated from the actual dump, by a small creek of open sewage. Their houses are built from pallets, plastic sheets, broken blocks, cardboard, and whatever else they can find. They use the creek as their outhouse. They share a common water pump. They build kitchens out of rocks and metal grates.  Their huts are built on the side of the hill, on the western slope of the dump. They sleep on the ground or on wooden pallets. When monsoon season comes, they wake up knee deep in mud and many find that their "home" has washed away - back into the dump.

They have no education, many were abandoned there as children, they don't ask for help and they don't expect it. Their eyes are hollow and full of fear. I have never seen eyes without hope until May, 2017 - and it broke my heart. 

No, you definitely don't get a clear picture until you witness for yourself. Children eating food, covered in maggots. Children crying for mothers that didn't make it home this morning. Mother's quietly covering their bruises and wiping blood from the beating they received at "work" last night. Very YOUNG grandmothers wringing their hands, watching with worry for the daughter that didn't make it home last night. 

I have a clear picture. So, before making, agreeing with, or defending the crude, inconsiderate, insensitive, and graceless statement that it is the Mother's fault, I challenge you:  look at these pictures I have posted; this is a real family.  Do some research, think with your heart, have some compassion.  (Better yet - I will go with you  to see for yourself)  These children were already in danger and a mother will do anything to try and protect her young, even if it means... crossing the border illegally.

"Cursed is the man who withholds justice from the alien (foreigner), the fatherless or the widow.    Then all the people shall say, "Amen!"   - Deuteronomy 27:19

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them."   - Matthew 5:17

Freedom: voluntary; without restraint; without cost; to set at liberty.

I didn't personally know or understand the true definition of the word Freedom until the last 3 or 4 years. I came to realize I didn't know what the word meant because I was in bondage (subjection to servitude, oppression, enslavement):

- Bondage to memories that haunted and tormented my mind. Memories of things no child should have to endure.

- Bondage to an abusive marriage. Persuaded to believe that I was not a good Christian if I left.

- Bondage to a chronic and debilitating illness. Convinced it was my cross to bear; the thorn in my side, if you will.

Believing that I was paying my dues. Surmising that joy was not mine to be had. Certainly, I didn't "deserve" it.

How wrong I was! Glory, Hallelujah!

I have been liberated! I am set free! And, my sister's in Christ; So. Are. You.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke  of slavery." Galatians 5:1

You no longer have to bow down to any slave master; doing any dirty, disgusting deed he demands of you. You are set free. Stand up for yourself. You have been given the "right" to defend yourself.

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."  Ephesians 1:4-6

Adopted children have the same rights and privileges as biological children. Our "adoption" is our freedom from oppression and enslavement and has granted us the right to live holy and blessed.

"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise." Galatians 3:26-29

All Christians are the same to God. Once you have accepted Christ as your saviour; you are "adopted" into His family. You are now a direct descendant of Abraham. An heir to his (last will & testament) to ALL that the Lord promised to him!

The promise is yours, receive it. The blessing is yours, accept it . Freedom is yours, LIVE IT!

"for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith."  1 John 5:4

When I think of or see a bulldog, there are 3 characteristics that immediately come to my mind:

1. Stamina: ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort (endurance).

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

2. Strength: capacity for endurance, power to resist force, a strong attribute or inherent asset.

"She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at days to come." Proverbs 31:25

Side note: another attribute I perceive in bulldogs is they look very dignified. (Dignity: the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect).

3. Persistence: firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action, in spite of difficulty or opposition. 

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. " 1 Corinthians 15:58

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12

You may be asking yourself right now, where is she going with all this about Bulldogs? What in the world do Bulldogs have to do with scripture?!?!?  I promise, this analogy will all come together. My hope is that at least one person gets as excited as I am.  

Let me start by giving you a little background on "how" I came to associate a bulldog with 1 John 5:4.

2 years ago, while at work, I was listening to a podcast of Gloria Copeland and her son-in-law. They were discussing this particular scripture as it pertains to unfaltering faith. What caught my immediate attention was: 

"Bulldog Faith:                                                            Take it!                                                                        Fight for it!                                                                  Don't let go of it!" - Gloria Copeland

I hit the pause button and wrote that down IMMEDIATELY. I cannot begin to explain how much it resonated with me. I went home after work and wrote it down in my Bible along with the Spanish translation.  Wow! In Spanish it sounds even more passionate!

La Fe De Un Perro Tenaz:                                    !Tomala!                                                                    Lucha por Ella!                                                              No la sueltes! 

I have read and re-read that scripture and quote over and over. It speaks to me every time. I have the power to overcome any and every trial and persecution. I have the power thru my faith in Him! And this past year He has shown (proven) it to me. Drawn me a picture, if you will. 

I told my husband, "I thought I had faith before. But after this 7 months on the mission field...Hah! I didn't come close to knowing what faith is or how to rely on it. Now I KNOW I do!"

We faced things I never dreamed of encountering; people, places, principalities and situations that without faith and trust in God, I would never have made it. 

This past week or so, I have felt driven to break down that scripture. Every morning this week, I couldn't wait to grab my coffee, snuggle under a blanket on the couch and study.  I got out my concordance and broke down every word. I looked it up in multiple Bible translations. I prayed over it, I asked for deeper revelation.  

I began with the Strong's Exhaustive Concordance - looking up every word in the scripture. Translating each one back to the original Greek word and writing down the definitions. I have listed the key words and their original Greek word and definitions:

Overcometh: Nikaö (neek-ah-oh) to subdue, conquer, prevail, get the victory.  

- from Nikē (knee-kay) the means of success.

Even: Kai (kahee) also, indeed

Faith: Pistís (pei-stees) persuasion, credence, conviction, truthfulness of God, constancy in profession, assurance, belief.

 - from Pĕithö (pie-though) to convince (by argument true or false), to concilate (by other fair means), to assent (to evidence), to rely (by inward certainty), assurance, trust.

Next I began pouring over different versions of the Bible.  The two I found the most informative, easy to read, "layman's" terms were The Message and Amplified versions:

"Every God-begotten person conquers the world's ways. The conquering power that brings the world to its knees is our faith." 1 John 5:4 (The Message version)

"For everyone born of God is victorious and overcomes the world; and this is the victory that conquered AND overcame the world - our (continuing, persistent) faith (in Jesus the son of God)." 1 John 5:4 (Amplified version)

Finally, after breaking down the words in Greek, reading multiple versions of the Bible, and more prayer; this is how it plays out in my head:              MY persistent belief and trust in God gives me all the strength and stamina needed to be victorious over any and all situations this world can throw at me. Indeed, I will prevail!

Yes, sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I don't understand why He tells me "no." I frequently ask God "why?" There are times I stew over a situation. Does this mean my faith isn't real or that I don't have enough? Absolutely NOT!  It means I am a real, independent, free-thinking person. I am not an android, slave, or clone. I have feelings, thoughts, opinions, the ability to reason, and I have questions. (He knows this; he created us this way. Without independent thought and emotion, we could not have true relationship and communication with Him).

When I struggle, I choose to grab a firmer hold to my faith and dig further into His word. I keep asking questions, praying and reading until I HEAR Him. When I calm down and listen with my spiritual ears, He always tells me what I need to know in order to understand His way and plan for a particular instance in my life. 

"The value of persistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we finally hear Him." - unknown author

I will continue to take hold of Him! I will fight for my faith! I will not let go!

My conclusions to my own questions from Love and Brimstone part one:

I will start by telling you who God is not:  He is not a big, angry, roaring, lightning-rod-throwing bully.  He does not hate and want to punish us.  He does not want us feeling sad, miserable, begging, crying, depressed, condemned, and unworthy.  Yes, He is angry.  BUT!  Not with us.  He is angry with the very real enemy we all face on this earth.  In my experience, so many churches focus on God’s wrath, but don’t put it in perspective.  That wrath is directed at Satan and his followers.  That wrath is toward the principalities and spirits that wreak havoc on His children.  Just because there is evil in this world, does not mean that we cannot focus on enjoying this life.  Don’t focus on the evil (know it is there and be aware of it), but enjoy what you have.  Be grateful for who you are and what you have accomplished and overcome.

The “religious” focus seems to be on “Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.”  1 John 2:15  Let me breakdown or define the word World in this scripture:  The things OF the world (Kopoc – Greek for "order."  Kopoc comere is "elements of disorder") are objects that may become objects of sinful affection, such as wealth or honor.  St. John is not condemning having those things, because there are gifts and blessings from the Lord.  He is condemning the love OF those things.  World here is also speaking of the sinful elements of human life.  We are not to love evil, sin, or other gods. 

Why in the world would anyone want to believe in God and come to Christ if we, as believers, are all shame-faced, sullen, and miserable?  Who, in their right mind, would choose Jesus if He is just a punishing figure?  The answer is – they won’t.

Plain and simple – love God, love His ways, love His children (not their sin), and strive to live as Jesus did. “Whoever does not love, does not know God. Because God is love.” 1 John 4:8  He is love, He is love, He is love!  I can’t say it enough!  We are His children and He loves us.  Do you love your children?  Would you do anything for your children?  Guess what?  So would He.  And more.  His Word says, “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”   Luke 11:11

Now to the question I used to ask myself about being a robot.  That question was based on, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;”  Jeremiah 1:5  And, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  Psalm 139:13

Just because He knows me and knows my thoughts, does not mean I will only do what He says (unfortunately). I am not a robot - He created me with free will.  Without free will, I wouldn't need a Saviour.  Without free will, I wouldn't need Jesus.  Without free will, I wouldn't need a relationship with God. 

“Anyone who chooses to do the will of God will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own.”  John 7:17

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”  2 Peter 3:9

“Human free will is manifested in the fact that, throughout Scripture, God gives us choices and calls on us to choose the way he knows is best.” <reknew.org: Where is Free Will in the Bible? 2014/08>

Choices, we are free to choose.  Everything in life is a choice.  Choices also come with consequences, but we are not free to choose the consequences of our decisions.

I choose to believe in Jesus Christ.  I believe that He came to the earth, robed in flesh.  I believe He died on the cross for my sins.  I believe He arose again on the 3^rd day and took the keys of hell from the devil.  I believe He is coming back for his church (His people, NOT a religion). 

Why do I believe this?  Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am a unique, peculiar, talented, and blessed woman.  Because He showed me that He is real.  I asked and He answered.  I could not deny His answer.  I cannot deny that I know that I know He dwells inside of me.  I feel Him and He speaks to me!  I believe because all of “this” did not just appear from nothing.  The complexity of the universe, the stars, the inner workings of the human body, the belly-laugh of a child, the tide of the ocean, the germination of a seed…that did not come from some random “bang” in the universe.  Someone made it all...that someone is God.

I cannot prove the existence of God to anyone.  All I can do is tell you to ask Him, "If you are real, prove it!"  Just be ready - because HE WILL!  Now, whether you choose to accept the proof is entirely up to you.

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”  Luke 11:10

"Whoever does not love, does not know God. Because God is love." 1 John 4:8

Were you aware of that scripture? For years, I wasn't aware of it. 

I was raised on Hell-fire and brimstone sermons. And waiting for the rapture. I was given the impression; as so many were, that God was this great big, giant "punisher." That I had to be good or He would "Get me." That I needed to be in a constant state of repentance and sorrow. And the only way out was when I either died or Jesus came for His church.  I remember the elders of the church were ALWAYS praying that Jesus would come for His church - TODAY. And that scared, frustrated and upset me.

Number 1, because I didn't think life was all that bad and because I was young and wasn't "done" experiencing life.

Number 2, because I thought I wasn't remorseful enough about life to make it to heaven and I was terrified of hell.

Number 3, because, honestly - I was upset that this "terrible, angry, and punishing" God would strike me dead for having fun, making a mistake, or not praying for Him to come back soon.

I was afraid of God. I wondered about old testament Bible stories. What happened to the God that saved all the animals on the ark? What happened to the God that saved Moses by having his mother put him in a basket in the river (when Pharaoh had ordered that all male babies be slaughtered)? What happened to the God that gave Sarah a baby at the age of 90? What happened to the God that was in the fire with Shadrach, Meshak,  and Abednigo? What happened to the God that split the Red Sea to save the Israelites from Pharaoh's soldiers? What happened to the God that saved Jonah by having a whale swallow him during a storm in the sea?

And I wondered about the things Jesus did while he was alive. If we are all so bad - why did he feed over 10,000 people with 2 fish and 5 loaves? Why did he heal the leper, the blind man, and the woman with the issue of blood? Why did he tell grown ups to become as little children to enter the kingdom of God? (Most grown ups I knew were far from having the mind of a child when it came to God).

What happened to that God? The one that loved people? The one that took care of people? The one that gave people their dreams? Why was he so mad at me/us? Was it because bad people put His son on a cross? (Well, I didn't put him there, I would never hurt anyone like that).

You see, it was quite shocking to go from my Sunday school class, where I was taught all the wonderful things God did for people - to "big church" and hearing how bad we are all and that God was so ANGRY with us all. That no one is worthy to be saved, so we better get on our knees and cry and pray that He comes now and takes us out of our misery. It took me years to get over that fear and frustration. I didn't know how to comprehend God's anger.

I admit, in my late teens and early twenties, I flirted with the idea of atheism. I reasoned that the god I was raised on was too contradictory and therefore; must be a fairy tale. The problem? How did we get here? Where did the earth come from? If there was a big bang - how, who, where did it come from? 

Theory of evolution? - as Steve Harvey said "if we evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?" - and again, WHO created the monkeys?  I searched high and low for answers. Every search led to one answer - there has to be some "being" that created all this. But, if there is really a god, which one? 

Buddha - he didn't make sense to me at all, just a man and no god in the religion per-se.  Hindu - again no explanation of how we got here, just everyone perpetually reappearing thru reincarnation. Shinto - based on Buddhism.  Islam, well I knew VERY little of Allah and what I saw from the Quran was Muhammed, a giant bully that forced people to believe his way or killed them. But, what about the God I was raised on? Didn't he kinda do the same? And, didn't he say he formed us from the start and knew our thoughts before we did? Doesn't that make us like robots?

Questions, questions, and more questions. My search for the real answer was years long. But somehow, I always had this unexplainable hope. I had hope that there was a god that loved me and didn't desire to hurt me. A god that wanted me to express my thoughts and fears, but didn't see me as a "bad" person because I saw good in this world. A god that respected my thoughts and didn't make me think only His thoughts. A god that wanted me to be unique.

By this point; as you can see, I no longer flirted with the idea of atheism. I knew that something or someone created all of this. The possibility of just nothing...wasn't even a possibility.

I will discuss my conclusion to these questions in part 2.

"Only by giving are you able to receive more than you already have." - Jim Rohn

No matter where you are in your walk, I am here to tell you that YOU ARE ABLE to accomplish any and every thing that the Lord has laid on your heart to do.  The secret is in your faith. You never know exactly how faithful you are - until faith is ALL you have. And those are the days the He picks you up and carries you.

The mission field is hard, harder than I ever could have possibly imagined. Emotionally, physically and financially. You see the need and it breaks your heart. You serve the need and it breaks your back. You give to the need and it breaks your wallet. But you do it anyway, and with JOY.

The need is so big that you feel you are only a drop in the bucket. You don't have an actual "starting" point, so you pray for direction and the Lord guides you to a point of contact.  A colonia full of kids, just roaming the streets; some are hungry, some want a friend, some want to learn, some are in search of discipline, and some...just want a hug. Those are the ones, those kids that just want someone to love them; they become your heartbeat. Then the Lord guides you to a place called "la familia de basura" (families of the dump); yes, they live and eat in the dump. Children with distended bellies and dark circles around their eyes; crying for the oranges you have in the truck. Mothers with haggard faces and tear stained eyes because they didn't find anything to feed their children for the last 2 days. Those are the ones, those mothers and their children trapped in a life of poverty; they become your second heartbeat.

You live in this poverty stricken area with them, you sweat in your apartment, you sweat outside, you sweat and you live their life. You don't go to a 5 star hotel and live the good life after doing good deeds for the day. You live life with them. 

Your door is always open, you feed your own groceries to the hungry, you color with the children on the sidewalk, you play in the rain with all the children, you hug the little girl that has lice so big you can see them across the room, you help an elderly man dig up his sewer line and replace it, you buy chicklets from an elderly lady with no other income, you help a neighbor with an injured child get back and forth to doctor appointments, you go to grocery stores and ask or bribe the guys at the back door for the discarded food to feed the hungry, you clean up trash in the street of your colonia, you teach English to children that are hungry to escape a life of poverty, you take 10 kids for a ride in the air conditioned car, give 60 kids their very own set of markers or colored pencils, take 2 kids to a grocery store the first time in their 9 year old lives,  you clean and bandage cuts and scrapes, you take a whole family for an outing to the beach, and you just "be there" for those that need a hug or a shoulder. 

You don't want anything. You don't expect anything. You only want to love them, even the ones that give you lice.

One day you find yourself down to 7.5 pesos (.42 cents) and no idea how or where you will come up with money to pay rent, put gas in the car, or feed your own dog. All you know is that you HAVE to make your daily trip to pick up donated food behind the grocery store and take it to the family in the dump that you have adopted. They are depending on you. You hit your knees and you cry out to God. And somehow, the wifi signal lights up on your phone (a phone that is not even in service anymore) and you receive a message from someone who would like to send an offering to help out. 

Praise God! He ALWAYS makes a way where there is NO WAY!

This - this is why I say "you are able." Because you must latch on to faith, BELIEVE the impossible! He called you, He is faithful and just to deliver you. When fear and doubt creep in, cry out! Hang onto your faith with everything you got! Hang on by your fingernails if you have to. 

You are able. And when you are so emotionally, physically and financially drained - He will carry you. Just. Don't. Let. Go.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

"as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

No matter what you have done, no matter what anyone says. Once you became a Christian, your slate was wiped clean. And any sin you have committed since then is forgiven the minute you ask for forgiveness. 

I am not offering a "free ticket" to sin here. What I am saying is that once you become a Christian, you are a new creation. And that new person inside of you does not "want" to sin and so when your flesh wins and you make a mistake; your new heart will convict you to ask forgiveness.And once you ask, He forgives. His word says that He throws it "as far as the east is to the west."  And God is not a man that He should lie, so when He forgives you, it is done, over, no more, FORGOTTEN.  I was raised being told that He throws our sins into the sea of forgetfulness.

I know when you make mistakes that it is easy to wallow in it and feel unworthy to ask for forgiveness. I also know that others are watching and the minute they see you slip, they are right there to condemn you. And then there are those people that won't allow you to forget your mistakes.

There was a time about 9 years ago that my daughter made a terrible decision. When she came to her senses, she repented to God,  her dad, myself, and the person she hurt. A few months went by; one day I received a call from her, she was distraught and needing advice and asking for prayer. The person she hurt was not accepting her apology (he claimed he did), but his actions and words every single day told her otherwise. She understood that because she had hurt this person, it would take time (maybe weeks, months and hopefully not years) to earn back the trust she had broken. But this person was refusing to let her. All he would do is tell her on a daily basis how wrong she was, how bad she was and would re-hash the scenario every single evening until she was broken and in tears and feeling condemned.

Even though I knew the answer; I asked her four questions:

1.  Are you truly Sorry?

2. Did you pray for forgiveness?

3. Do you believe God forgives you?

4. Will you do it again?

"Yes, I am so sorry. Yes, I prayed and yes He forgave me and No, I will NEVER do it again! I don't know how to explain how sorry I am."

I told her, "then that is ALL you can do."  You ask for forgiveness and then you let your actions prove your words.  Just because you ask forgiveness does not mean the other person is obligated to forgive you or that there are no consequences for the actions. 

Rebuilding and earning trust does NOT mean you are belittled, berated and condemned! It means you work TOGETHER to resolve the issue, not wallow in it. How long does that take? I wish I could tell you, it takes as long as it takes or until you come to the conclusion that you have gone as far as you can on your part and the other person still can't get past it (as was my daughter's case). But remember this, just as I told her - "God forgave you, God threw it in the sea of forgetfulness.  Now how dare ANYONE use it as a weapon, including you!"

God convicts, satan condemns. We are children of the most high God, we are forgiven.

"Don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore." - author unknown

"People put you down enough, you start to believe it...The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?" Vivian (Julia Roberts) Pretty Woman

The first time I heard that line, I loved it. It touched my core, I thought it was beautiful, poignant, thought provoking, and so "real."  It didn't occur to me that it was also devastating.  I just went along with the fairy tale of the movie; he built her up, helped her find self-confidence, and they all lived happily ever after.

When I dig down to the nitty gritty of why I loved that line, I am sad for the woman that loved it. She loved it because she lived it.

I know how easy it is to fall for the lies and negativity about your own self. How?  Why?  I can only speak from where my mindset of negativity came from. It was a slow and gradual conditioning, some people call it brain-washing. Being bullied in elementary and middle school, hanging with the wrong crowd, looking for love in all the wrong places, being cheated on, lied to and forgotten.  Getting myself into the first of many abusive relationships, etc., etc.

Here is the short list of lies I believed (so easily): Being told I was worthless, fat, ugly, no good, damaged, lazy, fake, a drama queen, overbearing, not a real woman because I couldn't have kids of my own, no one else would ever want me, no one really cares about me. Along with many other derogatory comments about my physique, anatomy, thoughts and feelings. 

None of those things were said on a continual basis. Just at strategic and opportune times. Kind of a "kick her while she is down" thing. Over time, each person I allowed to treat me that way was worse than the last.  Until I became so immobilized that all I could think about was being in a coma. Yes, my big dream was to be comatose!

Those things eat away at your soul. They chip away at your heart. Before you even realize it, you are believing lies about yourself. Why is it that those lies are easiest to believe? Because they are usually told when you are at your lowest, when you are desperately searching for an answer to your depression and misery. Because you have heard it so long, it must be true. Because it is easier to blame yourself. 

It doesn't have to be that way. 

Do you know that it is just as easy to speak positive as it is negative? Well, maybe not at first. Especially if you are pre-programmed to speak negative. It will sound weird at first, and maybe disingenuous, but just try it. And then keep trying it. It takes 7 days to create a habit. 

So, I challenge you:  find something you like about yourself, it can be ANYTHING:  your eyes, hair, intelligence, smile, style, your cooking, your pinky toe - it doesn't matter what it is, pick something.  Now, write it on a sticky note and put it on your mirror. Read it, out loud to yourself every morning for a week. And smile at yourself when you read it. Pretty soon you will be adding to it.  Go ahead. Try it.

Find a reason every day to give yourself a positive truth. Be grateful for something. Smile at something or someone (even if you have to do it in secret). Find laughter and participate in it. Vow to stop believing the lies about you. You live inside of you - you know better than anyone what is true about your character. 

A very wise woman said something to me one day that was more thought provoking and beautiful than that quote from Pretty Woman. She said it years ago, but it was one of the sparks that helped ignite my journey out of those lies. It was a long road, but I began to have a new sense of wonder about possibilities.  I started looking in the mirror, literally and figuratively.  I dared to look at a new dream for myself that did not include any semblance of a coma.  

She said:  "Just because someone says something about you, does not make it true." 

That nugget of positive truth, led me to loving the woman in the mirror.

Who said it? Who was that wise woman?  ....my Mother.

*Picture taken 2 years ago, as a message to my brother. But got me back into notes on the mirror. The notes are a road I travel when the lies try to open their ugly mouths.

Though I realize that many people will be angry with me for what I am about to write; I have to say it. This slippery slope is one I never wanted to write about, never thought it was my platform, and honestly, I hoped it would go away.  Neverthess - here I go.

I cannot just stand idly by while Christians follow and/or propitiate a lie. I love my country, I love the foundation on which it was built. That foundation is crumbling away before our very eyes. Our government is morally bankrupt and yet Evangelicals promote the worst. I cannot keep quiet any longer. 

As Tele-evangelists, Pastors, Teachers, apostles, disciples...Christians, we are held to a higher standard. Why? Because "baby" Christians, less educated Christians, and unbelievers are watching us. This is serious business folks! Not a popularity contest. 

Just because a rich and famous preacher says something is right, is it? Just because a pastor says something or someone is good, are they? Just because some situation or person is popular within your church or church family, is it right?  What does the Word say? Check it yourself, do NOT rely on someone else's opinion or interpretation - get your Bible out and CHECK IT! 

Tele-evangelists, pastors, teachers, apostles, disciples....Christians are human. We make mistakes. We fall into temptation, we can let pride, greed and fame (popularity) get a hold on us. Unfortunately, it is possible to get so far into those temptations, that you become reprobate - you no longer know or care about right from wrong. The Bible has many warnings about this. It is called being given over to a reprobate mind.

The Bible warns us of men who have the appearance of godliness, but are not righteous (see 2 Timothy 3:1-8). In studying Romans 1:28-32, I found a very specific description of righteous men who not only stand back while the wicked to do evil; they participate in some of those evil things. Worse than that, they promote and endorse it; by encouraging others to compromise with morally corrupt behaviors!

"False prophets bring messages that contradict the words of true prophets.  They give messages that appeal to people's sinful nature and comfort their fears. False prophets tell people what they want to hear. True prophets tell God's truth, no matter how unpopular it makes them." (Zondervan Life Application Study Bible; NIV; notes section).

"Like a muddied spring or a polluted well are the righteous who give way to the wicked." Proverbs 25:26 (NIV)

Wicked in Hebrew (Râshâ "raw-shaw"):  Morally wrong, ungodly. To be wrong, to cause or declare wrong doing, to make trouble, iniquity.

"To give way" = setting aside standard of right and wrong. Compromise with evil.

Now let me break down the King James version of that same scripture:

"A righteous man falling down before the wicked is as a troubled fountain." Proverbs 25:26 (KJV)

Hebrew definitions:

Righteous - Tsaddîyq (tsad-deek): just, to be right (in a moral sense), clean.

Falling - Môwt (mote): to waiver, be carried or cast down, fallen away, exceedingly fallen into decay, be removed.

Down - Hârac (haw-răs): to pull down in pieces, break, destroy, pluck down, ruin.

Before - Pâneh (paw-neh'): fear of, accept, SERVE, to face.

Troubled - Râphas (raw-fas'): trampled, foul

The Amplified Version states Proverbs 25:26 like this: "Like a muddied fountain and a polluted spring is a righteous man who yields AND compromises his integrity before the wicked."

In literal terms: The morally right man that bows down, accepts and serves the ungodly is compromising with evil and will poison the water for others. Do you see? This is not my opinion - CHECK it!

I am not aiming to stir up hatred, dissention, or strife. I hope that you will be stirred up to get informed and educated, to read, study, and listen to your conscience. If you see what is going on and you feel it is wrong, it probably is. Check it!

It is not my desire to be popular (never been part of that crowd, why start now?), it is my desire to speak the truth, to say what others are afraid to, to be a voice of hope in the wilderness.

Even though some righteous are and will compromise with evil - MANY won't. And those are the ones to follow. How do you know whose morals have not been corrupted? Check it! 

Are they promoting something or someone who is morally bankrupt?  Do their words or actions make your skin crawl?  Do they twist the Word to meet their "needs"?  Do you get a general uneasiness about what they are saying?  Do you just get a feeling that "this isn't right"?

Well, that my friends is the Holy Spirit pricking your heart to search the truth.

And that brings me to the message of HOPE that is alive and well in all of this.  If we search the scriptures, pray, and hang onto the truth of God - we will wield our Swords and defeat the enemy by going home to be with the Lord. Check it!

"And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure to the end, the same shall be saved." Matthew 24:10-13 (KJV)

"At that time many will be offended and repelled [by their association with Me] and will fall away [from the One whom they should trust] and will betray one another [handing over believers to their persecutors] and will hate one another. Many false prophets will appear and mislead many. Because lawlessness is increased, the love of most people will grow cold. But the one who endures and bears up [under suffering] to the end will be saved." - (Amplified version)

And the most "plain" modern wording, I could find:  “In the confusion, lying preachers will come forward and deceive a lot of people. For many others, the overwhelming spread of evil will do them in—nothing left of their love but a mound of ashes.“Staying with it—that’s what God requires. Stay with it to the end. You won’t be sorry, and you’ll be saved. All during this time, the good news—the Message of the kingdom—will be preached all over the world, a witness staked out in every country. And then the end will come. - (The Message version)

This is WHY it is imperative that we break away from "popular" belief and CHECK it! 

Go against the grain.  Follow truth, speak truth, and hang on to HOPE in the Lord!

"God is not human that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and then not fulfill?" Numbers 23:19

Who hasn't been in a situation where you feel hopeless, helpless, alone, forgotten, and afraid? I admit it; I have been there more times than I care to say. Why?

The way I see it, there are only 2 possibilities to answer that question: 

1. You dug yourself into a rut, didn't listen to advice, didn't heed the warnings, thought you could do a 2 man job "on your own."  I have done all of the above.

2. You are following the call of God and trials come, "tests" if you will.  Because God called you, the devil also heard that call and sent his own messengers to trip you up. 

#2 is where I find myself at this very moment. I heard the call and I answered. The "powers" of this world met me at the door. Every road block, discouraging spirit, spirit of sickness, spirit of vileness, want, division, oppression, and loneliness has bombarded me at every turn.

Was coming here a mistake? Did I/we misunderstand His instructions? Did we veer off the path? Do I regret answering the call? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Have we made mistakes? Yes, of course we have! We are "rookie" missionaries - mistakes are part of the journey. Some of those mistakes have been our own doing, and others...well, I am not sure how to explain. I can only say this, Satan is a crafty devil and those spirits he sends to attack you - physically, spiritually and financially are very good at their job. 

Suffice it to say, I am struggling. Does my faith waiver? Sometimes. I ask Him a lot of questions. Do I get answers? Sometimes. What do I do when He doesn't answer? I wait.  Is waiting hard? Am I tempted to jump up and make my own strides? ABSOLUTELY! What do I do? I make myself buckle down. I spend a LOT of time in the Word and prayer. I search for answers and .... I wait.

Why? Why do I wait? Why would I wait on God who doesn't always answer? God, who allowed these spirits and trials to attack me? That my friends, is the easiest question in all of this.

I wait because of a Hebrew name I found in the Strong's Concordnace:

Yachal El-Elohim: to wait upon the Lord.           Yachal (yaw-kell): wait, be patient, to hope, to cause to hope, stay, tarry, to cause to trust and to wait.

I wait because I know that He sent me here. I wait because I know He will bless me (Hebrews 3:14 & Galatians 6:9). I wait because I know that my time is not the same as His time (Habakkuk 3:14). I wait because I know that He is my provider, protector and my Saviour (Isaiah 43:2). I wait because "my HOPE is in the Lord." (See my article entitled "My Hope Explained").  I wait because Romans 5:1-2 is a promise I stand on, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we gained all access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverence; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

You see? I wait because no matter how much satan throws at me - no matter how much he whispers doubts into my ears - my faith suddenly quits waivering  and rises up in me (1 Peter 4:12-13). It floods through my veins. That minute little mustard seed in my heart, swells to the size of an oak tree within me and I cannot back down.

I wait because the Lord will never leave me or forsake me. I am His child, His princess, His heir to the kingdom. 

No matter how hungry, tired, stretched, broken, broke, or sick I have ever been - I am not alone. He is close to the broken hearted - all I have to do is cry out to Him, He will pick me up and see me through. 

If you are in a situation right this moment that you are feeling lost, hopeless, alone, and forgotten - pray! Cry out to God. Pour yourself into His Word.  Give it to him, believe and hope in Him and then, give yourself a new name: Yachal El Elohim.

Ecclesiastes - Hebrew definition: one who holds and addresses an assembly.  (Preacher or teacher)

The book of Ecclesiastes was written by King Solomon and assigned to be read at the Feast of Tabernacles. This book seems to be Solomon's list of regrets after living his life in materialism and vain glory.  It is a "what not to do" list.

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." Ecclesiastes 1:18

When Solomon became king, He only asked the Lord for one thing...wisdom. He did not ask for fame, fortune, friends or family. He wanted to be "smart enough" to rule the kingdom and care for his people.

"And God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the sea shore."  I Kings 4:29

With the amount of wisdom Solomon received, he became VERY famous. He was wiser than anyone else, he knew all about plant and animal life, he knew over 3,000 proverbs, He wrote 1,005 songs. Kings from every nation on the earth sent scribes and teachers to listen to Solomon speak, so they could learn from him.  

Unfortunately; the fame and fortune brought pride, women and sadly - other gods.  You may ask, "How could Solomon turn from the Lord and worship other gods?"  The simple answer is also his greatest failure. Solomon did not apply spiritual wisdom to his everyday life.

By marrying foreign women he brought on his spiritual ruin. (Foreign means other religions) The Word says not to be unequally yoked and this means do not marry those that are not of the same faith as you.  Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines.
"King Solomon, however, loved many foreign (NOT Jewish) women besides Pharaoh's daughter - Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, "you must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods" Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love." I Kings 11:1-2

The Hebrew definition of Love in this scripture: affection for in a good or bad way. Sexual affection for (lust).

1.  He was not trusting God to keep his kingdom secure. Some of his wives were given to him as "offering" in peace treaties.
2.  He was not able to resist the lust of the flesh (much like David, his father). 

I Kings 11:4-6 shows that these women; did in fact, turn Solomon's heart toward their gods. He did not follow the Lord completely. Like his father, David; Solomon succumbed to the lust of the flesh. Unlike David; Solomon went a step further, into worshipping other gods.

Solomon had asked for wisdom and the Lord gave him more than anyone,  with that wisdom he gained more riches and fame than anyone could ever imagine. But Ecclesiastes is his list of regrets for trading his wisdom for wealth, fame, lust, and other gods. He traded that wisdom for momentary pleasures.

"Get (obtain) wisdom and do not forget it." Proverbs 4:5. In my opinion; Solomon's wisest advice and a subtle warning from a man who learned the hard way about what comes from the pride of life and the lust of the flesh. 

One of my favorite scriptures over the past few years; one that I stand on frequently, is:  "Be still and know that I am God;" Psalm 46:10a

This scripture; to me, is strengthening and empowering, yet calming and peaceful.

The word "still" in the Hebrew dictionary RAPHAH (raw-faw) means: to slacken, to stay, to quiet, abate, cease, consume. To mend, cure, to cause to heal, repair or to make whole. 

The word "know" in the Hebrew dictionary YADA (yaw-dah) means: observe, recognize, acknowledge, discern, perceive, be sure or certain of, have an understanding of; and my favorite - familiar friend.

Quite literally; this scripture is telling us to rest, quiet your mind, and stay calm. Recognize that your familiar friend is near and He WILL rescue you! You can be sure of His willingness and ability to ransom you from your troubles and make you whole!  

No matter what you are going through, or what you have been through - BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.  My husband frequently points out that "nothing happens to us without it first going across His desk." He knows what happened, He knows what we went through or are going through.  Our job is to pray, have faith and BE STILL, calm down and quit trying to fix it for Him.  Our job is to KNOW that He is God (our friend),  trust him and let Him work it out.

More often than not, we are the ones that create those pits that we frequently find ourselves in. We dig a hole, we cry out to God to get us out. And when He doesn't do it within our time-frame, we begin "helping" Him.  When we do that, we just make the hole deeper.  

Have you ever had an independent child that decided to cook dinner herself? You come into the kitchen and find every single dish and pan that you own, covered in who-knows-what? Food is everywhere, water is running, the stove is boiling, the refrigerator door is standing wide open - and your child is covered in a sticky mess, crying and begging you to fix it. As any good parent would do, you begin cleaning up the child, the stove, the floor, the fridge, the sink. Once you get some semblance back of what used to be your kitchen, you can start over with preparing dinner. Within minutes; said child is indignant that "she wanted to make dinner," and is pulling everything out again and adding ingredients and making the same mess. You can't keep up with her, she is making the mess faster than you fix it or clean it....

Do you recognize this child?

So does God.

My advice (and it is sometimes hard for me to follow) is: be still, clean out your thoughts, let all the negative go. Stop putting your 2-cents in. Remember? You already dug a pit you couldn't get out of on your own.  You cried out for His help. Now put your faith where your mouth is and TRUST Him.  Wait, pray, believe, let go and listen.  Listen for that still, small voice.  "The quieter you become, the more you can hear" (author unknown). Wait until He TELLS you to move. Then...MOVE. 

No “Intenten” Comprender — Sólo Perdonen, 20 de junio de 2016

“Confía de todo corazón en el Señor y no en tu propia inteligencia. Reconózcanlo en todos tus caminos y Él guiará sus pasos.” Proverbios 3:5-6

Ya dejé de cuestionar el “por qué” y el “cómo” de las cosas que me sucedieron de niña. Sucedió y fue espantoso, pero tomé la decisión de no dejar que el miedo me paralizara. No tengo que saber el por qué — lo que necesito hacer es utilizar esa experiencia para comunicarme con otras que están viviendo o han vivido algo así — ser un ejemplo de fe que vence.

Eso no quiere decir que no haya sentido miedo paralizante; de hecho, sí lo he sentido. Fue horrible y creo que el miedo fue mucho peor que las circunstancias en sí. Hacía 2 años y medio, supe de algo que me alborotó los recuerdos. Recuerdos tan reales que pude oler, sentir y realmente percibir el sabor de mis abusadores. Sí, esa palabra abusadores es plural y no es un error. Ésta es la parte dónde les digo que aquí empieza mi testimonio: a la edad de 4 años y medio fui víctima de abuso sexual (cuando menos recuerdo 3 veces) por el esposo de una niñera. Me sucedió otra vez a los 13 años por el hombre con quien estaba casada mi tía en esos tiempos. Estos incidentes me llevaron a lo que llamemos abuso sexual auto-infligido durante muchos años. Con eso quiero decir que no valoraba ni a mi propio cuerpo, ni a mí misma, ni a mi pureza. En mi mente, ya no era pura — así que ¿por qué no ir de caza? Y así lo hice ¡por AÑOS! ¿Qué es lo que buscaba? Bueno, el amor, ¡claro está!  Razoné que el acto sexual equivalía al amor, así que fui de caza para encontrarlo. No me daba cuenta que estaba llenando una maleta de mentiras, decepciones y dolores de corazón. Y anduve con ese equipaje por muchos, muchos años (mínimo una década) y francamente, me había convencido de que era un orgullo.

Ahora que saben esa parte de mi historia, permítanme hablarles sobre el miedo y lo que les puede hacer. Cuando se me volvieron los recuerdos hace 2 años y medio, sentí que me estaba volviendo loca. Hiciera lo que hiciera, las escenas retrospectivas me golpeaban como una ola tras otra. No dormí por más de 4 días, no podía pensar con claridad, no podía dejar de llorar. Tenía miedo de cerrar mis ojos y miedo de mantenerlos cerrados, tenía miedo de estar sola, pero tampoco quería estar con nadie. Más aún, me metí a una clínica psiquiátrica para sentirme segura. ¡Estaba hecha un desbarajuste! Aún después de regresar a casa (estuve en la clínica por menos de 24 horas), todavía estaba hecha añicos.  Hice mucho examen de conciencia. No podía entender cómo algo que no me había venido a la mente hacía 10 años por lo menos ya podía regresar y consumir mi mente así. Leí libros, recé, leí la Biblia, lloré y estuve como en duelo. Y ESO era! Duelo: nunca lo había enfrentado debidamente. Estaba casada, con dos niñas y cuatro nietos y era una persona cristiana; así que según mi mente — todo estaba en el pasado. ¡EQUIVOCACIÓN!

Había seguido mi camino y ya no era esa niñita asustada ni esa joven asustada y con el alma cicatrizada que buscaba amor en los brazos de cualquier hombre que me volteara a ver. Después de todo, estaba casada desde hace unos 20 años. Pero vivía en un mundo de sueños, ya que de verdad todavía estaba asustada y llena de cicatrices. Nunca había llorado por la pérdida de mi inocencia. Había llorado por muchas cosas pero nunca específicamente por el abuso que había sufrido. También había seguido a culparme (a mi manera) por toda la situación. Así es, los que sufrimos abuso siempre encontramos la forma de absorber la culpa. Estoy consciente de que no tiene sentido culparme por lo que pasó cuando tenía 4 años y medio. Es un fenómeno que he observado en mucha gente que ha sobrevivido el abuso sexual — no encontramos sentido en algo que no tiene sentido, así que debemos tener la culpa. No comprendo cómo podemos racionalizar y llegar a esa conclusión, pero muchos lo hemos hecho. Ahora esto lo sé: ¡el diablo es un MENTIROSO! Nos ataca y hace todo lo posible para mantenernos oprimidos y alejados de Dios porque sabe que si nosotros los sobrevivientes corremos a Dios…¡le va a ir muy mal!

“El ladrón no viene sino para hurtar, matar y destruir; yo he venido para que tengan vida.” Juan 10:10 (RVRVC). Puede que haya robado mi inocencia, pero ¡NO PUEDE robarme la fe, ni matar mis creencias ni destruir mi vida! Y ESO es porque nos trabaja la mente para convencernos que NOSOTROS hicimos algún mal – que de alguna manera tenemos NOSOTROS la culpa. NO! No escuchen esa mentira, ni se la guarden el corazón. El Señor nos ama, a cada uno y a todos nosotros. Él llora por nuestro dolor y le duele la pérdida de nuestra  inocencia. Dios y SOLAMENTE Dios puede cambiar el giro y darnos “la paz de Dios que sobrepasa todo entendimiento…” (Filipenses 4:7a)  ¡Qué declaración tan impresionante para mi vida! Abracé a Dios con todo mi ser y me propuse a obtener esa paz y vida abundante que Él me había prometido. Profundicé en Su Palabra — iba a vencer esta situación de una vez por todas. Estaba destinada para una vida victoriosa ¡TENÍA QUE TENERLA! Después de acabar con el luto y haber sacado todo ese dolor de mi ser, el próximo paso era reconocer que “YO” no podía vencer este asunto. Lo tenía que entregar a Dios. Tenía que dejar que ÉL venciera mi enemigo. ”El Señor no libra con espada ni con lanza. ¡Del Señor es la batalla!” (1 Samuel 17:47b) Sólo necesitaba escucharle a Él, a prepararme para hacer lo que me indicara.

 ¿Y el paso final hacia la victoria? … El perdón. Así es – dije el perdón. Era difícil y no lo quería hacer. Imploré y supliqué, todo menos perdonarlos! ¿Cómo perdono a alguien tan depravado?¿Cómo sería posible “dejarlo así no más”? Aunque en ese momento habían pasado 41 y 32 años, ¿no sería eso, como quien dice, dejarlos ir sin castigo? Me tardé unas semanas en entender que no los estaba dejando sin castigo. En realidad, estaba liberándome a mí misma de la mentira que satanás había utilizado para mantenerme en cautiverio durante años. Fueron unas semanas bastante difíciles. No tenía que haber sido así. Podría haberme liberado inmediatamente si sólo hubiera hecho lo que el Señor me pidió en un principio.

La primera escritura que se me sugerió era Mateo 6:14-15, “Porque si perdonan a los hombres sus ofensas, su Padre celestial también les perdonará a ustedes. Pero si no perdonan a los hombres, tampoco su Padre les perdonará sus ofensas.” ¡Espera! ¿Qué? ¿Eso quiere decir lo que pienso? Porque yo no he perdonado a esos hombres enfermos y depravados ¿podría perder eso yo también? ¡Ay, Señor, eso duele!  Me había estado martirizando con una mentira por tantos años y ahora comprendí la verdad. Ya me había liberado de la mentira de satanás, y ahora realmente me correspondía a mí dar el siguiente paso. Luché con esa escritura, tratando de entender “cómo” llegar a perdonar. Pasé muchas horas de rodillas. Después de un par de semanas, oí dentro de mi espíritu, “Me preparas un banquete a la vista de mis adversarios; derramas perfume sobre me cabeza y me colmas de bendiciones...” (Salmo 23: 5 RVC)

Y allí en ese momento  ¡lo hice! Les perdoné. Ya no tienen poder sobre mis pensamientos, mis sueños, mi corazón ni mi alma. Porque “Me infunde nuevas fuerzas y me guía por el camino correcto.” (Salmo 23: 3 RVC) Realmente estoy bendecida y le doy gracias a Dios cada día que me ha dado. Ya no soy ni víctima ni sobreviviente  ¡Soy un persona victoriosa!

Ok, so I have been working on this since October 3rd.  I have written on paper and then I get distracted, I can "see" exactly what I want to say, but it doesn't look right once I have it written.  I want so badly to do you justice, I want so badly to write an awesome tribute to you - but it just isn't working as I envision.  Instead, I will just write you a letter....here goes....

Irenie Weenie Poo-poo; (Hiya kid!)

Seeing you laying in that hospital bed on September 29th was shocking, but once I prayed for you I felt peace for you and peace with whatever the good Lord had in His plan for the outcome.  I almost lost it when the doctors told Paul "her brain stem has been severed and she is brain dead, you will soon need to make the decision if you want the machines turned off."  I won't lie - my faith DID waiver in that very moment.  Thank God for our cousin Jim standing there to catch me when my knees went weak and to tell me (firmly yet gently) that God is still God and that the promises He made to you would still come to pass, NO MATTER WHAT.  That I had hope and not to let go of it.

I have always loved and cherished that you are one of my sister-aunts, but never more than the last 10 months that you walked this earth.  The conversations and prayers between you, myself and Gabe.  The text messages and phone calls of your excitement about your renewed faith gave me more joy than I could ever express.  I have known and seen your "hidden" anger for years and I never knew or understood where it came from, but I always appreciated your wit, dry sense of humor (cosmic revelations), and quirky style.  Little by little I watched that anger disappear and by May, when you rededicated yourself to Christ - you had done a complete 180!  I was so very happy for you, so excited for you, so full of joy for you!

In August, when I was pet-sitting for Trish and you were so excited about a promise the Lord had made to you - I KNEW it was serious when you volunteered (insisted actually) on driving all the way to Hominy to have dinner with Gabe and I so that you could tell us in person.  I am sorry you are not here to see it, but God cannot and will not lie - it WILL come to pass!  I Believe it! 

And the last text you sent me on September 27th is ingrained in my heart "I prayed for you and Gabe last night and again this morning, I was just getting ready to pray again and God told me that He heard me, your breakthrough is on it's way. I cannot wait to see the miracle unfold."

Well, lady - you have the FRONT ROW SEAT! It is here! And I am honored that you played a huge part in bringing it to pass. Gabe and I cannot ever thank you enough for your prayers, your support and most of all - your love.

Not a day goes by, that I don't see something of you out here on the missionary field in Mexico. Whether it be our first apartment in Puerto Vallarta, where our next door neighbors had purple exterior walls, some lady walking down the street in funky clothes and mismatched socks, the cardinal that flew up in front of our truck outta nowhere (we didn't even know there WERE cardinals in Mexico!), the street dogs that just look at you wanting to be loved, or the sound of the waves rushing over the beach. Everywhere I look, God let's me know that you are very much a part of this and that you are with me.

Your faith, your joy, your wicked-wonderful smile (that I see in my memory every day), your encouragement, your strength and even your weakness - I thank God that I had the privilege of being your sister-niece.

Standing there, in that cold and dimly lit operating room as they unplugged your life support...

I just held your hand as you gasped for your last breath and your heart stopped beating......it was surreal, it was heart-wrenching. It was beautiful, it was tragic.

I will forever cherish my memories of you, down to that last moment when you left this earth and stepped into His presence.  Love, Sha-nay-nay

La Explicación de Mi ESPERANZA, 8 de junio de 2016

Me han comentado en numerosas ocasiones que debería compartir mi testimonio con otras personas — que hay otras mujeres en el mundo que han pasado por alguna o por  todas las pruebas que yo he encontrado en mi vida. Nunca me imaginé que mi historia pudiera ayudar a nadie. Siempre he tenido el corazón de siervo, ayudando a cualquier persona en cualquier forma posible. Y todos los que me conocen, saben mi vida como un libro abierto. No tengo secretos. Pero, ¿Cómo podría ser posible que el compartir mi historia pudiera ser una "ayuda"?

En los últimos meses, el Señor se ha estado comunicando conmigo sobre esta Esperanza que está ardiendo dentro de mí. Siempre ha estado allí, y a pesar de lo que me pasaba nunca se extinguió. Aún en los momentos más obscuros — momentos en que honestamente deseaba entrar en coma para jamás despertar,  o las veces que deseaba tener el “valor” de acabar con mi vida — ¿Qué es lo que me detuvo? ¡LA ESPERANZA! Una Esperanza ardiente, inexplicable. No sé de dónde venía, sólo sabía que la tenía. Y ahora, el Señor me ha puesto en el corazón la necesidad de explicarles mi Esperanza.

Tengo dos escrituras favoritas que son la base de mi Esperanza. El primero es Hebreos 11:1, “Es pues la fe la sustancia de las cosas que se esperan, la demostración de las cosas que no se ven.” (Reina Valera Antigua)

Ahora vemos esta misma escritura traducida de la versión The Message (El Mensaje) de la Biblia, “Ahora, la fe es la CONFIANZA en lo que esperamos y la seguridad de lo que no se ve.”  Siempre he “sabido” que hay una razón y un propósito para mi vida. He probado varias cosas, pensando que ahora sí estaba encaminada hacia mi propósito, sólo para descubrir que eso no era. En vez de darme por vencida, lo tomaba como una lección en la vida. Ya ven, sin importar qué tan fieles somos, todos nos equivocamos y erramos del camino que el Señor nos ha preparado. Él sabe que nos equivocaremos y sabe que a veces nos vamos a lastimar, pero está allí para levantarnos y abrazarnos cuando volvamos a Él. Nos pone los pies otra vez en el camino de dónde nos habíamos extraviado. (Y si ustedes se parecen a mí de alguna forma, podrían haberse salido del camino más veces de lo que quisieran admitir.)

El domingo pasado en mi iglesia, el Pastor estaba predicando y dijo algo que me apuré en escribir porque es TOTALMENTE  RELACIONADO con éste artículo. Dijo que “La Palabra de Dios + La Esperanza (la expectación/anticipación) + la fe = la manifestación. La Esperanza forma la imagen (de acuerdo con la Palabra de Dios), la fe actúa sobre la imagen y crea la sustancia (confianza)…hasta que se convierta en realidad. Pero tienen que actuar constantemente sobre esa fe y mantenerla en primer plano. Ayer estaba yo platicando con un buen amigo sobre la idea de cambiar el enfoque de mi blog de artículos sobre Lupus y el Dolor Crónico hacia artículos sobre la Esperanza, basados en mi testimonio personal. En ese momento él estaba escuchando un sermón en el radio y compartió lo siguiente conmigo. “En la lengua griega, las palabras Esperanza, Expectación, y Embarazo tienen la misma raíz y son intercambiables. Cuando Esperamos (algo), el Señor nos ha impregnado de lo que estamos en expectativa — como una madre embarazada que siente el principio de esa semilla de Esperanza.”

Ahora veamos las definiciones de algunas de las palabras de Hebreos 11:1, las palabras de mi pastor y lo que mi amigo compartió conmigo:

La Fe es LA SUSTANCIA: la realidad fundamental que es la base de todas las manifestaciones externas. Esto es la CONFIANZA.

Lo Esperado (LO ANTICIPADO): el pensar con certitud que algo va a suceder; el considerar que algo es razonable, requerido o necesario.

LA MANIFESTACION: una expresión perceptible, externa y visible; una demostración pública de poder y propósito

¿Esas cosas les bendicen el corazón a ustedes como me bendicen a mí? Espero que realmente sí. Pero si no, esperen un momento, que todavía no acabo. Dije que tengo 2 escrituras favoritas sobre las cuales baso mi Esperanza.  Aquí está la segunda:

“Sólo yo sé los planes que tengo para ustedes. Son planes para su bien, y no para su mal, para que tengan un futuro lleno de esperanza.” (Jeremías 29:11, RVC) ¿Ven esa palabra “Esperanza”? Esta escritura dice literalmente que Él nos VA A DAR nuestro destino ESPERADO/ANTICIPADO. No sólo en el cielo, sino también aquí en la tierra! Observen en el capítulo 6 de Mateo donde Jesús enseña a rezar a sus discípulos, diciendo “Padre Nuestro que estás en los cielos, santificado sea tu nombre. Venga tu reino. Hágase tu voluntad, en la tierra como en el cielo. El pan nuestro de cada día, dánoslo hoy. Perdónanos nuestras deudas, como también nosotros perdonamos nuestros deudores. No nos metas en tentación, sino líbranos del mal.”  ¡Esto está impreso con tinta ROJA, gente! Eso quiere decir que Él lo dijo, y por lo tanto ¡lo creo!  ¿Por qué? ¡Porque Él no tiene ni la capacidad para mentir!

Déjame compartir una versión de Jeremías 29:11 traducida de The Message (El Mensaje). “Yo sé lo que estoy haciendo, lo tengo todo planeado — planes para cuidarte, no abandonarte, planes para darte el futuro que ESPERAS (anticipas). Cuando me llames, cuando llegues a mí a rezar, escucharé. Cuando me vengas a buscar, me encontrarás. Sí, cuando me busques con sinceridad y lo quieres más que nada, me aseguraré que NO TE DESILUSIONARÁS. (Decreto de Dios)”

Sin importar donde haya estado en mi vida, ni las tragedias que me hayan sucedido, ni mis errores, ni qué tanto me haya alejado de Él, ¡Él me ama! Desde el momento en que lo acepté como mi Señor y Salvador y profesé con mi boca que Jesús Cristo murió en la cruz por mis pecados — Él me ha amado y esperado pacientemente mientras llegaba a enderezar me vida. Y me ha prometido que puedo esperar ser bendecida de una manera de abundancia (estoy bien consciente de que ya estoy bendecida), pero Él promete bendiciones más allá de lo que pudiera imaginarme. Y yo sí tengo una imaginación muy activa — así que estoy esperando algo fenomenal porque Su Palabra dice “Los que Esperan en Mi no se quedarán desilusionados.” Isaías 49:23

Me doy cuenta que esto no es mi testimonio en sí, pero sentí la necesidad de explicar de dónde viene mi Esperanza antes de proceder a contar los detalles brutales de mi pasado, Pero no se preocupen — no se lo voy a echar todo de una vez. Mi Esperanza es que esta obra llegue por lo menos a una persona. Una persona solitaria que comprenda que sea lo que sea que esté pasando en su vida…HAY Esperanza. Y Él está esperando que Le busques, que Le grites, que creas en Él, que Lo aceptes como tu Señor y Salvador, y te lloverá con sus bendiciones. Rezo que este blog les bendiga y que continúen a seguirme en este trayecto.

Freedom:  voluntary; without restraint; without cost; to set at liberty.

It is a word that has been heavy in my mind and on my heart.  I didn't truly know its meaning until the last few years.  Matter of fact; I didn't even realize I was in bondage.

- Bondage to memories that haunted and tormented me.  Memories of things that no child should have to endure. 

- Bondage to an abusive marriage, being convinced that I wasn't a good Christian if I couldn't make it work and walked away.  

- Bondage to a chronic and debilitating illness, convinced it was my cross to bear.

Believing that I was paying my dues.  All those old adages playing in my mind; "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it."  The whole This Is It, mentality.  You play the hand you are dealt.  Thinking that I could never find, deserve or have joy in my life.

How wrong I was:  Through prayer, trial and error, study and just deciding to BELIEVE - I have been liberated.  I am set free.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1  I am set free.  I can stand up for myself.  I have been given the "right" to defend myself.  I no longer have to bow down to a slave master, doing every dirty deed he demands of me.

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love, he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."  Ephesians 1:4-6  Adopted children have the same rights and privileges as biological children.  Our "adoption" is our freedom from slavery and has granted us to the right to be holy and blessed.

"The is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.  If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed and heirs according to the promise."  Galatians 3:28-29   All Christians are the same to God.  Once you become a Christian, you are a direct descendant of Abraham.  An heir to his (last will and testament) to all that the Lord promised to him.

***There it was!  The blessing is for me - so I accepted it.  Freedom is for me - so I took it!***  

If you are in bondage in any way, shape or form - I am telling you - you do not have to be.  Freedom, blessings and joy unspeakable are yours for the asking. 

The blessing is for you - FREEDOM IS FOR YOU 

(If this message has touched you or you are struggling with an issue of bondage, I would love to pray for you.  Please message me here or www.facebook.com/hopentheword you can also private message me on the facebook page.)