"I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." Job 3:26 (NIV)
I can relate to this scripture, and I am sure that a lot of you can too. Been there, done that. And it is no way to live your life.
I once lived in a world of CONSTANT drama and like most people, I had no idea that I was actually feeding into it. All I knew was that everything and everyone in my house was in a perpetual state of confusion, turmoil, anger, bitterness and panic. The verbal and physical abuse that went on in my home was ever present. I spent my time trying to figure out how to put out the fires. I would go to bat for my family no matter what they did or said, I would find any and every excuse for their behavior. I have since learned that psychologists call this "co-dependency."
In my confused state, I was creating bigger fires. I couldn't stand it if anyone was mad or upset with me, so I ran around cleaning up messes that I had no business being involved in. Oh sure, I spent plenty of time venting to my mother and close friends (who I thank with all my heart for never giving up on me) - but in the end; I could not or would not follow through with the decisions I made during those venting sessions. When I would try to put my foot down, it led to horrific fights that could go on for days - so I just stopped trying to draw lines. I erased the lines. I went from being angry to beat down without any desire to defend myself.
I used to get so angry, confused and upset that I would literally bang my head on the wall or the floor. I went to counselor after counselor and was told that I was manic-depressive and was put on an array of medications over the years; all of which left me numb and unable to feel anything. I just agreed with the doctors and for years I took my medicine like a good little girl; still feeling angry, confused and upset, but numb. I told myself that things weren't as bad as I thought because after all, I was mentally ill. (HAH! I am NOT!) I quit taking that mind numbing medicine and wha-la! I began to see things exactly as they were. I wasn't crazy - but I was living in chaos.
At that point I began asking "how do I make the drama stop?!?" The first step that I took was to stop defending wrong behavior, no matter WHO it was. Wrong is wrong and Right is right. I still got angry and I would scream my head off, but it didn't do any good. Why? Think about it....if someone is screaming at you, do you even care about what they are saying? I don't. This is where the desire to defend myself began to disappear. I was quickly becoming just a shell of a person. The reason....look at what I said my first step was. Although ceasing to defend wrong behavior is a true and correct step, it was not the first step I should have taken. The first step, should have been to get on my knees. It all could have stopped so much faster, but pride kept me in the state of mind that I could fix it and if I couldn't, then I just wasn't trying hard enough. You know, the whole "I made my bed, now I just have to lay in it," mentality.
Putting down that pride led me to realize more and more every day that I cannot fix anyone but myself. I sure can't fix anyone that doesn't even see that they have a problem. I got on my knees and I prayed that God would change me. The slow and steady change in me, caused the drama in my home to intensify. The more I prayed and the more I changed, the worse it got. Slowly, I began to let go. I began preparing to go out the door that God was opening. I didn't think my heart could be broken any further, but the pain of walking out that door was excruciating.
Sound silly? I can assume that some may be thinking "this woman walked out of an severely dysfunctional home, and she says it was excruciatingly painful?" Yes, that's what I said. That home was all I had known for my adult life. No matter how bad it was, I had hopes and dreams for my family. It was painful to admit that the hopes and dreams I had fantasized about, would not play out the way I envisioned them. BUT God - has given me new hopes and dreams and I trust Him. He set me free and I will follow His lead!
"My days have passed, my plans are shattered. Yet the desires of my heart turn night into day; in the face of the darkness light is near." Job 17:11-12 (NIV)
Day in this scripture is translated (yome) meaning: full life, season or process of time, promise after trial.
Darkness in this scripture is translated (Kho-shek) meaning: misery, destruction, death, ignorance, sorrow, wickedness.
Light in this scripture is translated (owr) meaning: (in every sense) bright, clear, happiness, morning sun.
Things didn't turn out the way I planned, but I lived and learned through the trials of my past. Misery cannot and will not consume me ever again, I am not afraid of the darkness anymore. "I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord," (Psalm 121:1-2) God has a plan for me and without those experiences, I would not have the knowledge needed to handle His plan. He has given me a vision and for the first time in years; I am excited about my future. A new day has dawned and I cannot wait to see how it unfolds!
