For the sake of this article and this ministry, I will refer to the woman as the victim of emotional and psychological abuse. Although women are also great manipulators, (statistically) women are less likely to be narcissistic abusers of men in intimate relationships.
“Now the serpent was more cunning than any other beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said,’You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.” Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die, for God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:1-5
In order to understand this study, we must first look at a couple of definitions:
MANIPULATE: to control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously. Manipulation is the exercise of harmful influence over others - to attack another’s mental and emotional sides to get what you want. The manipulator seeks to create an imbalance of power. This is accomplished thru exploiting the victim’s weakness and stroking their pride.
It is a type of lying.
Speaking falsely (in ½ truths) for the purpose of deception.
In order to deceive someone into thinking and/or behaving in a certain way.
GASLIGHTING: a form of emotional and psychological abuse designed to gain control over the victim. The tone of the abuser alternates between concerned & kind, to angry & abusive. The victim is slowly programmed to distrust her own judgment, perception, and sanity. The goal of the abuser is to bring his victim to the point of depending on him to define her reality.
Gaslighting has 3 main components:
Convincing the victim that the abuse she suffers is her fault.
Convincing the victim that she did not experience what she thinks she did.
Separating the victim from those who support her.
In Genesis 3:1-5, Satan prompts Eve to question what she heard God say about the tree of knowledge, and asserts that her account is incorrect. Satan caused her to doubt what she knew was true. He spoke ½ truths to her and appealed to her desire for wisdom, ultimately deceiving her into disobeying God.
The Bible tells us that Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44), and that he masquerades as the angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14). We (women) are also given a strong warning regarding manipulators and gaslighters creeping into our own lives. 2 Timothy 3:6 says, “For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts,” (NKJV)
I am in no way saying that women who are victims of this abuse are ignorant, unintelligent, uneducated, or sniveling idiots. In MOST cases, it is quite the opposite. Statistically speaking, narcissistic abusers seek out the smartest women in the bunch, however; they have an ulterior motive. They begin with flattery, “sympathy,” and then love-bombing. They appeal to our sensitive and humorous side. Beginning, most generally with our sense of humor. And then worming their way into our sensitive side. Once they gain our confidence, they can begin their “investigation” into our past hurts, traumas, and problems. Quickly snagging us by expressing sympathy through telling their own traumatic “stories,” pulling us into their web of deception. And now, the hook is set.
For the sake of Christianity in marriage/dating relationships, narcissists will often use Ephesians 5:22 over their wives. Submit, submit, submit. “I am the king of this household.” The problem is that there are some key verses here that they conveniently leave out. Back up to verse 21 where it says to submit to “ONE ANOTHER” in the fear of God. Spring forward to verse 25 where he is told to love us much as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Is this narcissistic, manipulative, gaslighter willing to die for us? Absolutely not! Granted, if you leave them, they will most likely “threaten” suicide…it’s part of the game, don’t fall for it.
I am not just giving you statistics here, I have learned this by experience. I have been that woman. I was that woman throughout more relationships than I care to admit, the last being over two decades. Also, I am not claiming complete innocence in those relationships/marriages. I was not the nicest person to be around. I was mentally ill and emotionally unstable due to childhood trauma. I could hold it together in front of a crowd, but with those I trusted, I had many meltdowns, angry, raging outbursts, and emotional shut downs. I believe the reason I became a victim of this abuse was due to my incessant need to be loved by a man and my eagerness to disclose my painful history in an effort to be loved by any man that listened to my story. That eagerness led me to let down my guard, give trust to those who hadn’t earned it, and ultimately imprison myself in my own head.
Thank GOD, I came out of it with a much better understanding of Matthew 10:16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” It means don’t be taken advantage of and don’t be a manipulator.
If you are in a relationship that is abusive in any way, I will not say, “just leave.” or “Run! Now.” I know that that is impossible at the moment you are discovering that you are, in fact, abused. Mental and emotional abuse are tricky situations because you have been systematically programmed to believe that you “don’t know what you are talking about.” It has only been recognized by Domestic Violence organizations in the last 15 or so years. I say this because, about 10 years into my last marriage, I went to a domestic violence shelter in search of help. When I spoke with the counselor, she said, “well, he doesn’t hit you so you don’t have to believe things he says about you that aren’t true. If it’s that bad, just leave.” It took another 10+ years for me to open my eyes and SEE that, “Yes! This IS abuse and I am being abused.”
My advice to any woman who is realizing that she is a victim of this type of abuse is:
PRAY! Ask God to give you confirmation and scripture to help you hang on and depend on Him to get you out.
Look for any little miracles around you. See them with your spiritual eyes and appreciate them and thank God for showing them to you. Mine was in the spring, I would sit and watch my hibiscus open in the mornings.
Begin to look for beauty within yourself. Find something physical about you that you absolutely wouldn’t change if you had all the money in the world for plastic surgery. Mine was my eyes; I love the color of my eyes. They are blue, but not just any ordinary blue, they are almost navy, with tiny little specks of greenish brown. I would think to myself, “I have the perfect combination of my parent’s eyes.” My Dad’s were sky blue and my Mom’s are hazel.
Compliment yourself for even the smallest of accomplishments. By the end of my last marriage, I was barely able to get out of bed - I was sleeping 18 to 20 hours a day. (partly because I had a chronic illness, but mostly I was shutting down due to depression and mental exhaustion). My compliments to myself started with the simple act of getting out of bed and making it. Gradually I began to compliment myself on the way I fixed my hair, trying a new or made up recipe that I thought was delicious, or just getting through an hour without doubting myself.
Do something for you. Preferably something that has ZERO to do with your abuser or that he knows nothing about. I am not saying to be a liar or manipulative. I am saying carve out 15 minutes a day or even every other day to: read a book, watch a silly sitcom, paint your toenails, sit in a bath, scream in the shower, day dream, search out scripture. Something you can do with … JUST YOU and even better if you can bring God along.
“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
What does Deuteronomy 31:8 mean for you, my sister? It means: God is with you. He goes before you. He won’t stop fighting for you. Don’t be scared, the God of all creation is in your corner. Be encouraged!
