I don't have any living biological children, but I have plenty waiting to meet me in heaven. That use to sadden me to the core. I wept and pleaded with God for children. I have an old prayer journal that was devoted solely to praying for children of my own.
This is what is helpful about journaling: I read the phrase, "of my own" and think to myself, Really?! I didn't recognize how selfish that prayer was. I was unappreciative of the gifts that were right in front of me the whole time. I realize how far I have come, how my faith has grown.
My spiritual eyes are open; He answered that prayer long ago. God has given me so many children in my lifetime, more than most women will ever have. He gave me some of those children for a very short season, and I don't know anything about them now. But I have faith that somehow they remember that silly girl or silly woman and know that she loved them deeply. Others, God gave me for a number of seasons. Each of them was loved and cared for with my whole heart. Two were given to me for what I hoped was a lifetime and they will always have my heart.
In the last year, God has brought me three more "children." They are grown women, but God has shown me that they are my spiritual daughters. I pray that their season as my children will last a lifetime. This I know - even if this season doesn't last a lifetime, I am determined to pour as much love into them as He has poured into me, His adopted child. The enormity of this position in their lives could be daunting...BUT GOD...He gives me the words, the prayers, the thoughts, and the guidance to meet the challenge. I have made mistakes already, but that just goes with the territory of being a parent. I ask for His help and I seek my husband and Mom for advice frequently. I am grateful to my husband and my Mom for always welcoming my newest adoptees; they know my heart and I know theirs - all are full of love for each in need of a family.
These girls are each wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, strong willed, and worthy of all the love God and I can show and give them. They each have a struggle similar to the other, and they each have a different root to their struggle. Though they have one particular struggle in common, the three are different as night and day. Each posing her own challenges, which keeps me praying and seeking God:
One, I have known for close to 30 years, although I hadn't seen in 10. She was friends with my girls growing up and spent a number of week ends in my house. Both of her parents have already gone on to be with the Lord - I cannot imagine not having my mom around to run to and I am 53! She is done playing games with her life, is determined to be a better mom to her own almost-grown daughter, and is hungry to learn the Word and grow a closer relationship to God. She calls me Mama and introduces me as such. That gives me all the feels, because she truly means it. My prayer is to live up to the name.
Two, walked away from a life that would make soap operas cringe. She has recently restored a relationship with her father that no one thought would ever be possible. She has made amends with a man that truly adores and loves her and whom she greatly wronged in the past. She recently made a decision that demonstrated one of the most selfless acts of love that any mother could ever give. She works hard to share what God has done for her and show His love to others, while dealing with her own emotional trauma. This lady has a call on her life and I am inspired by watching her grow. My prayer is to be her biggest cheerleader.
Three, where do I start with three? So young, hurt, and broken. Deserving of being truly loved and accepted. Learning to let down her guard and trust. Finding her worth, because she is worthy of all the beautiful things that God has for her. I could easily spoil her, but that is not why she was brought to me. I was recently made aware that I was slipping into my old enabling ways and had to nip it in the bud (so to speak). She and I are learning from each other. I am using what I learned from past mistakes with one of my other daughters. She is teaching me to stand up for myself again. She is my onion - every layer different than the last. Each layer a new and promising challenge. My prayer is to see her truly become the beauty inside her heart.
And with that I say - Thank you Jesus for showing me that I DO have children of my own. I am a girl mom.
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