Ephesians 4:26-27 - Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
I am angry, sad, depressed and don't know what in the world to think. All I know is that I absolutely do NOT want to play this stupid "game" for another single minute! I can't do it, I don't want to do it. I hate feeling trapped. I am backed in a corner and I stood onthat rug and it was yanked right out from under me!
This hurts so bad. Physically, emotionally & mentally. I am forced to keep going because other people want me to, other people need me to. Why?
The nurse called yesterday to tell me that my leg xrays were normal (so it "shouln't" be hurting). Well guess what?!?! It DOES hurt! It hurts like a #@%-€&-#¥&%@!!!! It feels like wood peckers are inside of my thigh bone, trying to peck their way out. It feel like my bone is going to explode. Everyone looks at me like I am crazy when I say that it feels like it is dying. Why do they look like that? I am not being dramatic - I am being as serious as possible. Dont look at me like that, you don't understand!
The nurse also said that my bloodwork shows that I have some kind of strep infection, "so be sure and keep your doctor appointment" on June 30th!!!!! What the.....? 6 weeks!!!! Whatever. She did finally bump my appointment up to June 23rd. Whoo hoo. (Doesn't matter I guess that I have had MRSA 4 times ina year! And I get every Iinfection within a 5 mile radius, just about) She said "it's strep not staph." Guess I better research the 2.
Next, she said "your ANA came back normal" surprise, surprise - now I have 2 negatives and 2 positives! I already know that that test will come back negative if you are not in the middle of a flare! So - ok - now "I don't have lupus." FINE! That is FABULOUS! What is wrong with me then???? Tell my why the only symptom of lupus that I dont have, is the rash on my face?!?!?! It's B.S.!
I would love it if I didnt have this disease. I would love to have my life back. I would love it if I no longer had to be in constant pain, no swollen, puffer fish legs, no falling on my face for no reason, no neuropathy, no rash on my feet, no constant throbbing n my joints, no more fatigue and malaise, no slurred speach, no concentration/memory problems, no rashes from the sun, no mouth and nose sores.....I could go on and on.
So, tell me doctor - what IS wrong with me?
Dang it ! I am just so tired and freaked completely out. It is so hard to hang onto my faith right now. But I have to - get away from me, you stupid devil! God isn't dead, he is still on the throne, and he will not abandon me. I have to get past the anger and frustration.
I realize she is a new (to me) doctor, but I am NOT starting over. She has all my records from my last 3 doctors, physician assistant and nurse practitioner. I dont have time for her to start from the beginning and play guinea pig with me. Its crap and not fair!
And the dentist looked at the growth in my mouth and said he id 99% sure its not cancerous, that it is a papaloma (not sure of spelling) and needs removed by a surgeon. He said it will continue to grow until it is cut out.
Soooo - my leg xray is normal and the growth is not impeding my ability to breath (yet). Whoo hoo! I must be fine! I will go run a marathon now! Because all of this must be in my head!
I am praying to get over the anger and frustration.