"People put you down enough, you start to believe it...The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?" Vivian (Julia Roberts) Pretty Woman
The first time I heard that line, I loved it. It touched my core, I thought it was beautiful, poignant, thought provoking, and so "real." It didn't occur to me that it was also devastating. I just went along with the fairy tale of the movie; he built her up, helped her find self-confidence, and they all lived happily ever after.
When I dig down to the nitty gritty of why I loved that line, I am sad for the woman that loved it. She loved it because she lived it.
I know how easy it is to fall for the lies and negativity about your own self. How? Why? I can only speak from where my mindset of negativity came from. It was a slow and gradual conditioning, some people call it brain-washing. Being bullied in elementary and middle school, hanging with the wrong crowd, looking for love in all the wrong places, being cheated on, lied to and forgotten. Getting myself into the first of many abusive relationships, etc., etc.
Here is the short list of lies I believed (so easily): Being told I was worthless, fat, ugly, no good, damaged, lazy, fake, a drama queen, overbearing, not a real woman because I couldn't have kids of my own, no one else would ever want me, no one really cares about me. Along with many other derogatory comments about my physique, anatomy, thoughts and feelings.
None of those things were said on a continual basis. Just at strategic and opportune times. Kind of a "kick her while she is down" thing. Over time, each person I allowed to treat me that way was worse than the last. Until I became so immobilized that all I could think about was being in a coma. Yes, my big dream was to be comatose!
Those things eat away at your soul. They chip away at your heart. Before you even realize it, you are believing lies about yourself. Why is it that those lies are easiest to believe? Because they are usually told when you are at your lowest, when you are desperately searching for an answer to your depression and misery. Because you have heard it so long, it must be true. Because it is easier to blame yourself.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Do you know that it is just as easy to speak positive as it is negative? Well, maybe not at first. Especially if you are pre-programmed to speak negative. It will sound weird at first, and maybe disingenuous, but just try it. And then keep trying it. It takes 7 days to create a habit.
So, I challenge you: find something you like about yourself, it can be ANYTHING: your eyes, hair, intelligence, smile, style, your cooking, your pinky toe - it doesn't matter what it is, pick something. Now, write it on a sticky note and put it on your mirror. Read it, out loud to yourself every morning for a week. And smile at yourself when you read it. Pretty soon you will be adding to it. Go ahead. Try it.
Find a reason every day to give yourself a positive truth. Be grateful for something. Smile at something or someone (even if you have to do it in secret). Find laughter and participate in it. Vow to stop believing the lies about you. You live inside of you - you know better than anyone what is true about your character.
A very wise woman said something to me one day that was more thought provoking and beautiful than that quote from Pretty Woman. She said it years ago, but it was one of the sparks that helped ignite my journey out of those lies. It was a long road, but I began to have a new sense of wonder about possibilities. I started looking in the mirror, literally and figuratively. I dared to look at a new dream for myself that did not include any semblance of a coma.
She said: "Just because someone says something about you, does not make it true."
That nugget of positive truth, led me to loving the woman in the mirror.
Who said it? Who was that wise woman? ....my Mother.
*Picture taken 2 years ago, as a message to my brother. But got me back into notes on the mirror. The notes are a road I travel when the lies try to open their ugly mouths.