I don't speak a lot (publicly) about my pending divorce. I will not drag my ex through the mud as so many others do. It was 24 years of our lives and there were a lot of good times and I have plenty of great memories. I will always love him, and I pray that he will be happy and blessed in his life. Maybe someday we can show friendship to one another (that is my hope), right now the wound is too fresh and bleeding and I know that I have broken his heart; which was never my intention. My heart is broken that I have lost people that have been my friends and family for 24 years - divorce should never include everyone. I am divorcing my husband, not my family. I am sad about this awful situation, but I understand their feelings. He is hurting and he needs them. Just like I am hurting and my friends and family are holding me up (physically and prayerfully).
I have never understood the divorces where people feel they have to be mortal enemies for the rest of their lives. That is just ridonculous to me - you are divorced now - STOP FIGHTING! I refuse to have that situation in my life. I refuse to hate anyone. I refuse to fight - I am choosing to love. My prayer is that one day, love and deep friendship will prevail. Until the wound quits bleeding - I have to love from my side of the fence.
I said all of that, in order to share my devotional from March 13. It was written by Kristen Armstrong (ex wife of Lance Armstrong), she wrote to "to help anyone find peace, hope direction, and forgiveness through life's hardships." The book is called: "Strength for the Climb: A Daily Devotional." The March 13th entry has been heavy on my thoughts and in my prayers. It has made me understand that not only am I going through the biggest heartbreak of my life, but I also need to deal with the bonds of my illness. I have prayed for strength and healing, but I have taken for granted that this is just my life. Pre-Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Arthritis and Bulging Discs ARE NOT my life! They are what I have, but they are NOT what I am! I must be free of the prison I have put myself in...
THE DOORLESS PRISON: "Awake, awake, O Zion, clothe yourself with strength...Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion." Isaiah 52:1-2
Wake up, my friend! Shake off the layer of dusty disappointment and the cloud of despair. God is calling you to rise up in strength and come find your seat by Him. You are withering away in an open-door prison!
The chains around your neck are heavy and imposing, but they are not attached to anything. Muster all the strength and courage you have and free yourself from bondage and captivity.
What is holding you here?
What lies have your believed about yourself? What is it that you find so unforgiveable? What wound do you have that just will not heal? Ask God to meet you HERE, to heal you HERE.
Invite Him in, and He will come like a great tide and wash you free of dust. He will bear the weight of the chains holding you down. His light will shine brightly on the open door of your self-imposed cell. Flee. Be free.
Amen! Right? Open the door - walk out with your head held high, Oh sweet child of God. He has a purpose for my life and he has a purpose for yours too. He knows the reason that I endure this illness and He knows the reason I endure this heart ache. He has a plan and I want to follow it.