Divorce is never easy. My things have been packed away in my Mother's garage for months. On Saturday, I moved them all to a storage facility. I was do depressed to see that after 24 years, my life was compacted into a 5' x 8' storage unit. I kept looking at it, thinking "this is it? This is all I have to show for a 24 year relationship???" Those feelings of complete and utter failure began to creep in. What kind of woman divorces her husband of 21 years?!?!? How can I possibly be a Godly woman? Who will ever have me? Why couldn't I have tried harder or tried differently? Why? Why? Why? How? When? and on and on...
The answer is that it is just my STUFF! It is not my heart. It is not my soul. It is not my god! It is stuff. Stuff is like Doritos - they make more. My marriage didn't work, we both failed and no one is more to blame than the other. We both failed each other and we didn't give up without a fight. It was not a matter of "oh well, it didn't work, move on." No, it was 24 years of trying and failing. I know in my heart that I tried everything I could think of and that I prayed and prayed. Some may think I am fooling myself, but I know the truth - God answered my prayer, by opening the door and showing me the way out.
I am so blessed and so many times, I don't take the time to recognize it. I am always ready to move on to the next thing. I haven't spent hours and days working on a particular study in a very long time. It has been quite refreshing and enlightening, to say the least. I have a friend that I do some studying, praying, worshiping and praising with. This friend pointed something out to me a few weeks ago (you know who you are, friend); I was told by my friend "you are the most impatient person I have ever met!" The fact that I lack patience is not surprising to me, but the fact that it seems to impede my life; was pretty surprising.
So, I would like to share what I have been studying with all of you, in hopes that you may also be blessed. Here goes:
Who suggested that Job's spiritual integrity be tested? Satan said that Job only served God because he was rich & blessed. "Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face." Job 1:10,11 (KJV)
What permission did God grant satan, in testing Job? God gave satan permission to take all that Job had, but could not lay a physical hand on Job. "And the Lord said unto satan, Behold, all that he hath in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So satan went forth from the presence of the Lord." Job 1:12
Satan took away Job's riches, his cattle, his sheep, brought disease and pestilence to his fields and his children. Job lost EVERYTHING. Job cursed the day that he was born and questioned God's goodness, but that was just that - questions. Job NEVER cursed God. He wanted to die, but he never cursed God.
To quote a friend "In times past, I always thought it was not a good idea to let the Lord know about your frustrations.. just opening your heart to him, often times we hear preachers talk about "questioning" God, how its not a good idea to do that,, the things is, HE already knows oun very thoughts,,He knows what goes on in our puny little mind.. so yes, God is a big GOD,, he can handle it when we just open up,,lay down our frustrations, our disappointments, our questions, but, in all things Always give Thanks,, for we know that everything has a purpose... Even the wicked for the day of destruction."
"Hold your peace, let me alone, that I may speak, and let come on me what will. Wherefore do I take my flesh in my teeth, and put my life in mine hand? Though he slay me, yet will I trust him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him. He also so shall be my salvation: for an hypocrite shall not come before him." Job 13:13-16 Job wanted to die to escape the pain and misery, but he knew where his salvation came from and he refused to stand before the throne as a godless man. He knew deep down, that all that was happening to him was for a reason and even if he didn't understand it now, it was not for naught. He had FAITH!
"For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me." Job 19:25-27 Job knew that God has reason for this period in his life. He knew that he must work faith and patience and that he would come through on the other side. He knew that he would SEE God! He knew that he knew that he knew.
Job's wife could not stand all that was lost, she begged Job to curse God and die. "Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still remain thine integrity? curse God, and die." Job 2:9 She should have offered Job what we call "constructive" criticism. Even though it is sometimes hard to hear, we need to hear from our closest loved ones when we wander from God-given path.
It all goes back to my questions on Saturday: What have I done? Is this it? Who will have me? Why didn't I try harder?.... I walked through the door that God opened. I have since learned that I am a GOOD wife! I am a Godly woman! I am stronger and wiser than I ever thought possible. I have a path set before me and I WILL follow it. God has someone just for me and when I am ready - that someone will be there, to be my prayer partner, my teacher, my student, my friend and yes, my constructive critic. Until then, I will continue on this journey of God working patience in me.
To be continued in part 2